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Paper Monitor

11:16 UK time, Tuesday, 21 August 2012

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So you're Madonna. The Queen of Pop. You're in the south of France, it's scorchio, the waters are azure. It's dip time. And you're not un-fond of flashing the flesh. What to wear (if anything at all)?

A high-necked, long-sleeved top and trousers, of course! And a snazzy baseball cap. Oh, and trainers.

Apparently the Queen of Pop was probably donning a white UV-protection swimsuit - and it leaves the papers perplexed.

"She must be bathing, Mad", ventures the Daily Mirror on page three - a speech bubble extending from her lover's head concludes "That's way too much material, girl".

The Mirror's fashion and beauty director Amber Morales is a bit discombobulated:

"I just can't figure Madonna out. She can't wait to get her kit off on stage and is flashing her nipples and bottom at random recently", she cogitates. "It's really not a flattering look, Madge. You spend your life in the gym and have a penchant for flashing your rock-hard body - this is the perfect opportunity to do just that."

The Daily Mail is similarly concerned (speculating that the attire might be white as Kabbalah believers think white clothing attracts "positive energy") - although the Sun's Bizarre columnist Gordon Smart seems relieved that the Queen of Pop "has finally managed to cover herself up". Smart reminds readers that "it's just weeks since Bizarre created a fake jumper for the singer to protect her modesty on stage - but now she's gone to the other extreme with her beach wear".

But he admits: "That's one way to get her washing done".

Real-life royalty in the shape of Prince Harry has been donning some swimwear. His choice of attire? A pair of snazzy patterned red trunks.

Accessories include shades, a hat, trendy necklace and a batch of bikini-clad women. "Girls and booze galore as the news hits Vegas that the party prince is in town," squeals the Mail, which features the story on its front page. "It's a hard life, isn't it, Harry?" sighs the paper inside.

And don't forget our penguin friends, also fond of water-based activities. Choice of swimwear: a thick layer of mud - at least for the little critters featured on page 29 of the Mail, who got caught in a lake of the brown stuff while en route to the ocean in south Georgia.

Something to try next time, Madonna?

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