A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Some people say it's every woman's prerogative to be late. The same applies to Paper Monitor.
And now we're here we want to scrutinise the press's scrutiny of the fairer sex. Germaine Greer it ain't.
The secret of Kate Winslet's hourglass figure is ruthlessly exposed by the Daily Mail. Under the headline "It's just an illusion", the piece reveals that our Kate's voluptuous but slim figure is caused by "cunning black panels" that slice inches off her waist.
The Mail is delighted though at the number of "ladies of a certain age" who will take part in Strictly Come Dancing. It's "Strictly Cougars" announces the Daily Mirror, before salivating over a "showdown of the 60s-something glamour pusses".
Those set to sparkle include the "immaculately preserved" Lulu, Edwina Currie who is "game to strut her stuff", and the "never knowingly under-dressed" Nancy Dell'Olio.
Meanwhile the Sun gives prominent coverage to Peter Crouch's belle Abbey Clancy who "cuts a sensational figure in a string bikini" during a family holiday in Italy.
Further inside, the paper snipes at female stars who were out and about last night. Kelly Brook "must have used a whole tube of Colgate to perfect that Hollywood smile", while PJ Harvey is mocked over wearing all white at the Mercury Music Awards.
"The bookies favourite would have needed a healthy supply of Daz to get a stain out of this spotless white dress."
There is even lingerie advice for any Geordie football fans. The paper reveals that Newcastle United has brought out a range of "sexy" new lingerie, including a French Maid's outfit, in the club's black and white colours. Paper Monitor wonders if the club has got Wor Jackie mixed up with Phwoar Jackie.
Exhausted by the objectivisation of the sisterhood, we are going to lie down with a copy of Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex.