A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Firstly Paper Monitor would like to make it clear that today's review of the papers was assembled in an entirely legitimate way.
Paper Monitor read all the papers itself and the views expressed here are definitely Paper Monitor's own. Any telling observations were conceived on the premises and definitely not culled from the mobile phone voicemails of celebrities.
Moving on, we start in the Daily Mail. Sandra Parsons is away. Who is Sandra Parsons you may ask? Well, she is arguably the least controversial of the Daily Mail's columnists.
But it is her holiday substitute we are interested in. It's only Brian Sewell. Yes, the man who makes the Queen sound like, well, a pearly queen. Only he could knock out a couple of thousands words on the prevalence of gay themes in Coronation Street and make you read it.
His erudition is supreme. Only he could arrange for references to Audrey Roberts and the following phrase - "Armenians exiled in the Twenties were notorious for assisting other Armenians" - into the same piece.
From the coruscating to the, er, slightly less coruscating, it's over to the i paper. Simon Kelner has recently been replaced as editor of the Indy by Chris Blackhurst.
He's now editor-in-chief, a position which usually suggests you are neither editor nor chief of the editors. But he still has a column, although yesterday's poignantly notes: "We can get used to anything, even moving from page 3 to page 16."
Paper Monitor never wants to find out it's being made Paper-Monitor-in-chief, or be metaphorically moved to page 16.