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Paper Monitor

10:38 UK time, Tuesday, 7 June 2011

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor is getting all luvvie today and channelling one of the two giants of the entertainment industry and pasta sauce world, Loyd Grossman. The other being Paul Newman of course. So in a rather nasal, transatlantic twang, ask yourself: "Who would live in a house like this?"

According to the Daily Telegraph it's asbestos-ridden, with dodgy wiring. The Times calls it modest and says it has just one bathroom. In the Daily Express, Vanessa Feltz describes it as "somewhat small and pokey".

Know who it is yet? Doh, Will and Kate of course. It has been announced that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are going to use a "modest" flat as their base when in London.

As starter homes go, it's not too bad. It's near a nice park, in a good area and is secure. The local schools are excellent too. Oh, and it's in Kensington Palace. It's a detail the papers seem to skip over rather quickly, preferring to comment on how the couple are "keeping it real".

It has to be said the papers are using the couple's soon-to-be-neighbours, the Duke and Duchess of Kent, as the yardstick of what is extravagant. In comparison anyone else might seem a little unassuming and low key.

But there is someone else channelling a famous figure in today's papers. Simon Cowell is getting all Elephant Man on us in the Sun and Mirror and claiming he's "not a monster". He's not talking about his looks or high-waisted trousers, obviously. It's to do with axing Cheryl Cole as a judge on the US version of the X Factor. He defends his actions, saying:

The truth was I was protecting her. I just want people to be in the best place at the right time.

For Cheryl, probably the best place for Cowell is at the end of her knuckleduster-clad fist and the right time for that is now.

Personally, Paper Monitor finds it impossible to read his words without hearing the rasping sound of John Hurt's voice in one's head and imagining Cowell swathed in a cloak, with a hood over his head and lurking in the shadows. Remember everyone, he is a human being.

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