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Paper Monitor

14:25 UK time, Tuesday, 31 May 2011

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor likes to help out those in the audience who have eyes only for the Financial Times over their egg and soldiers in the morning.

In the other papers there is news of people known as "celebrities", but while we want to keep you informed we would never do anything as tawdry as use their actual names.

So we go to the front of the Sun. There they have a picture of the one who has the face that is now as expressionless as a cyberman mask. He's in trouble for sacking the one from the girl band with the tasteful tattoos.

On page seven, they have a picture of the one who's famous for being a more famous one's sister and also having a bottom. She's, er, gone to the tennis.

Then, on page 13, there's the one who was in the film about wizards based on a series of children's books. Her newsworthy occurrence is going out for a walk with her midriff showing.

Over in the Daily Mirror there's a treat on page 19. The Barcelona team has been celebrating their final victory over European Cup minnows Manchester United by dancing with the one whose hips are never mendacious.

There's a veritable cornucopia in the Daily Star. The one who wears dresses that wouldn't make Heather Mills very happy has been spending too much on her... dresses.

Also on page three of the Star. The one who is the sister of the one who was famous for singing and having a bottom - er, not the one above - is denying having split from her partner.

And on the centre pages there's a story that almost defies description. The one who used to play an overweight person in the soap opera that's set in Manchester has a two-page photo shoot.

She's been dressed up to look like Jessica Rabbit.

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