A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
"Left hand meet right hand. It's important you stay acquainted so that our newspaper doesn't have amusing juxtapositions."
Or so the office mantra should have been at the Daily Mail.
Sandra Parsons, the latest columnist to try and fill the shoes of the late, great Lynda Lee-Potter, is frothing enthusiastically on the subject of pornographic pop, oversexualisation of children and Rihanna advertising S&M.
Agree or disagree, it's a pretty coherent broadside. And while it's illustrated by a picture of Rihanna, she's reasonably modestly clad. Well, clad at least.
But some readers may find their eyebrow fluttering at Parsons' line: "In the ordinary course of life, young teenagers would have no need whatsoever to know about sadomasochism."
Riffle, riffle, and Paper Monitor flicks forward from Parsons' berth on page 15 to page 19. There you can some big pics of an alleged bunga-bunga party (see here for a discussion of the term).
There's a big picture of two young women seemingly about to kiss, with a third approaching. But the Mail finds even more space for a picture of a woman dressed in "tight-fitting police uniform and pouting". She's dangling a pair of handcuffs.
Now this might not quite be Rihanna, but it's hardly L'Osservatore Romano.
And speaking of unVatican-like stories in today's papers, the one that sticks out is the tracking down of the girl from the Athena tennis girl photo.
The famous 1976 photo, a rear view of a blonde girl on a tennis court, holding a racquet and lifting up her dress to reveal her bottom, is the centrepiece of a new exhibition.
The "girl" is now a 52-year-old mother of three. The papers can't resist this one surely. Most of them go big on it, including the right-on Guardian. Only three seem not to feature it - the Daily Telegraph (although it goes big on bunga bunga), the Independent and one other.
Can you guess?
Err, it was the Daily Star, who obviously felt not enough flesh was being flashed in the original photo.