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Paper Monitor

11:52 UK time, Wednesday, 16 February 2011

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor likes to give you a regular dose of the celebrity news, purely out of anthropological interest. But it would never do anything as demeaning as to name the people involved. So here is your latest tranche of Mystery Celeb.

We start, as is only right, in the Sun. The front page is dominated by a picture of the singer who was married to the footballer who fans dislike, but grudgingly admit is rather good.

It shows her lower back tattoo, which Paper Monitor understands to be colloquially referred to as a "tramp stamp" in the US. She was at an awards ceremony and admitted having a "girl crush" on the R&B star who appreciates the value of umbrellas, but fails to appreciate the value of clothes not falling into the category "diaphanous".

A bottom was apparently patted in an encounter.

Inside we see the former singer who is married to the footballer that fans love, but grudgingly admit hasn't been very good for ages. Anyway, the big news is she looks well despite/because she is expecting her fourth child.

On page 17 we have the female singer whose pop iconoclasm seems a bit like that of the much older female singer who was famous for pop iconoclasm. The younger one recently travelled in a giant egg. Now she appears to have a face like a Klingon.

Over on page three of the Daily Star and they have an intriguing story about the man who is on the talent shows and appears to have an increasingly limited range of facial expressions. Apparently Americans are naming their babies after him.

The paper also has more on the trouble and strife between the woman who used to be a model known for a very considerable breast enlargement, but is now more like a personal uber-brand, and her ex-husband, the man largely known for one hit single some years ago and his association with the aforementioned woman.

Readers also get treated to a very-belated celeb Valentine's roundup. It features the veteran model who once got in trouble over white lines, and the fiance who isn't very famous but is in a band.

Then there's a picture of the older gentleman from a rock band of older gentlemen, who was once memorably referred to as the "Goblin King" by a young ex-girlfriend.

The Daily Mirror doesn't have as much "sleb" coverage today.

But it does find space for a picture of the man who was in the Swedish pop foursome who once bestrode the cultural life of the planet. The one with the beard.

The news? He tried on one of his old catsuits.

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