A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Once again, Paper Monitor diligently flicks past all mention of vuvuzelas - a stern test of resolve given the Sun's decision to despatch a reporter to Ascot's Ladies Day in a hat fashioned from the blusterous instruments.
No, with £11.5bn of spending cuts freshly announced, these are serious times - although Paper Monitor's mental arithmetic is stretched by a Q&A in the Times, which states that the £17bn worth of savings outlined in just over five weeks since the new government took office works out at £500,000 a day.
Doesn't £17bn divided by 37 days equal something just south of £500m? Paper Monitor doesn't have enough fingers to be certain.
And then there's the inquisition of BP chairman Tony Hayward by the US Congress over the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.
West Ham supporter Mr Hayward is currently, according to the Guardian, "America's most hated man". So Paper Monitor is gratified that the hapless businessman is offered the proverbial cup of sweet tea and soothing shoulder massage by the press back home.
The Daily Mail describes with pathos a scene "almost too painful to watch", as Mr Hayward offered his apologies "like a nervous best man".
Andrew Gimson of the Daily Telegraph is yet more gallant in the BP chief's defence, lambasting the "self-important, self-righteous and self-promoting" politicians who conducted the grilling.
Mr Gimson continues:
So Mr Hayward was given a tough time. That is what a scapegoat is for. We congratulate him on his steadiness under fire, his inability to engage in abject displays of emotion, and his refusal to answer "yes" every time he was invited to plead guilty.
It's almost enough to make you forget Robert Green's own ordeal at the hands of Americans.
Which would bring us to the Daily Star, which is offering each reader a free vuvuzela. Except Paper Monitor isn't talking about them.