A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
At last, a use for newspapers. Burn 'em.
This is the suggestion from the Guardian for those who are chilly, in possession of a fireplace and short of coal and firewood. The peg is a spuriously-sourced piece in Tuesday's Metro, in which an unnamed charity shop assistant in an unnamed charity shop in Swansea said pensioners were buying old books to burn as fuel.
The Guardian's eco-living correspondent is aghast at the idea of book burning, and suggests phone directories and cowpats instead.
"If you're still intent on combusting hard-crafted words, then you might as well set fire to this very newspaper instead. Buy yourself a briquette press, soak a load of old copies in the bath, then spend a few hours making your own paper briquettes. Once dry, they will burn much like logs."
Meanwhile, 'tis the season for turning over a new leaf. At the start of the week, the papers latched onto diet tips and boot camp-style fitness regimes. Today the fashion desks carve the new year's fashion commandments on stone tablets.
So what to wear in 2010?
Sugar-almond shades of lemon yellow, ice blue and blush pink, says the Daily Telegraph. And kitten heels. Yes, they're back from the 90s. And bodysuits. No word on whether designers have nailed the issue of poppers. (Paper Monitor doesn't know any of you well enough to explain in any more detail.)
The Guardian piles in with ankle boots, double denim, pale shades - "rose pink, oyster, putty" - and chinos, another refugee from the 90s.
"Question - How does a pair of chinos get promoted from Sarah Palin territory to fashion basic? Answer - you roll them up.
Pale grey takes them further up the fashion food chain and makes them very easy to combine with your new pale blazer."
It gets even more confusing on the issue of belts.
"Nothing says you 'get it' like wearing a basic belt in the 'right' way. 2010 is all about the slim belt with a slightly worn feel. The fashion way to wear it is to do the buckle up then pull the end down straight rather than threading it through the loops."
Um. Don't get it.
Ah! Now you're talking... the Times's fashion editor turns her attention to snow boots and picks seven cosy styles with "that all-important traction". Sensible lass. And its Mutton Dressed As Lad column champions long-johns.
Sensible. Very sensible.