A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Oh, things are horrible at the moment.
The Daily Mail carries a picture of the Queen with a barely perceptible frown and the headline: "One's MPs are corrupt, one's Parliament crumbling, one's garden is being invaded by the BNP and one's economy slides ever-nearer to bankruptcy. No wonder one is... NOT AMUSED".
It's really hard to think what could cheer you up. But what's this? A picture of a cloud in the shape of the United Kingdom. O frabjous day. The Sun has it too, with a slightly suspicious-sounding quote from the girl who took it. "When I got the picture I was on cloud nine."
Sometimes in the cloistered world of journalism, it's difficult to find the right tone for a news story. The Sun has one such quandary. It tells a tale on page 21 of two Chinese gangs who fought a bloody battle in a restaurant. They inflicted "terrible injuries" on each other. Serious? Funny? The Sun chooses the headline "I COULD MURDER A CHINESE".
After several months away from newspapers since being given his marching orders by the Daily Telegraph, Craig Brown is back in business.
The Daily Mail trumpets the satirist's arrival at the top of page two.
And last of all, the award for tortuous pun headline of the day goes to the Daily Star's "GURK, GUEST & STAY" about the Gurkha immigration story. Ouch.