A survey highlighting the riches of the daily press.
High fashion. Worraloadarubbish, eh? Quite literally, when wild-child-on-brink-of-40 Alexander McQueen kicks over the traces and dresses models in hubcap hats and wimples seemingly fashioned from carrier bags. The Daily Telegraph calls it a "kitchen sink" collection, as in everything but.
Well, nobody's spending any money at the moment, so why not? As if to ram the point home, McQueen - a British designer always keen to do things differently - stages his show in a Parisian scrap yard.
Even Liz Jones - the Daily Mail's fashion/lifestyle/ex-husband correspondent - makes the eminently sensible observation that "wear his trademark 'bum cleavage' low-rise trousers to the office and you will probably be sacked".
Time for a spot of gonzo journalism to test this theory? Chances are there is a news editor out there thinking this very thought, and Paper Monitor hopes it is not the news editor sitting two seats away in Monitor Towers.
It's March, for goodness sake!
By the by, isn't "wimple" a pleasing word. There's something about the way it sounds. Puts one in mind of a soothing drink laced with honey. Or perhaps that's just because one is nursing a nascent cold.
There is also something rather pleasing about the tale of the Mayflower, a stub-legged Shetland pony, recounted in the Daily Express. And the Mail, Telegraph and Metro.
Her little legs are so short, passersby mistakenly think she is mired in the mud and dial 999 to call out fire-fighters to rescue her.
"Get Shorty" is the Telegraph's headline, while Metro opts for "My stumpy pony".
And it's getting expensive, at £250 a pop, says the Express, quoting the Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.
Or £1,970 for each call-out, according to "government estimates" in the Mail.
Or nearly £8,000 in total, says the Telegraph.
Metro offers no price tag which, in light of these disparities, is perhaps sensible.