A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Hard news tends to be thin on the ground at this time of year, leaving the media to fall back on old faithfuls. But Paper Monitor can almost taste Times' writer Valentine Low's ennui at being handed the story of Prince Edward allegedly hitting a dog with a huge stick.
The whole episode is like one long stifled yawn.
"As festive traditions go," runs the opening paragraph, "it is as integral a part of the Christmas holiday as turkey leftovers and high street sales..."
That's the spirit - believe and the world will believe with you.
"This year it was the turn of the Earl of Wessex..."
Attaboy Valentine, you sell that story hard.
"The rumpus had all the usual elements of the annual Royal-Family-as-heartless-barbarians fixture."
What? You're still reading? Haven't you got better things to do like sculpt the hardened goose fat in that unwashed baking tray into a monolith, or break off some hardened wax from the Christmas dinner table candle holders.
Such a post-modern approach might suit your news-weary Times subscriber but these stories are a tabloid's bread and butter. And when it comes to the theatre of news, Paper Monitor is more a fan of pantomime than Pinter.
Over to the Mail: "Edward faces probe after lashing out at dogs."
"Prince Edwards could face an RSPCA investigation after he was accused of setting a 'sickening example'..."
The Express: "Animal lovers in uproar as Edward 'beats Labrador' on a shooting trip"