Caption Competition
13:34 UK time, Friday, 21 November 2008
Winning entries in the caption competition.
This week, to mark John Sergeant's self-imposed and premature exit from Strictly Come Dancing, your captions please for the former political correspondent rehearsing with his partner, Kristina Rihanoff.
The competition is now closed. Full rules can be seen here [PDF].
Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:
6. stigmondo
"Oh blimey... Heads up, Lembit's arrived."
5. rogueslr
It was all going so well, and then the music started...
4. The_Bob_Glasgow
Rehersals get underway for Prescott: The Musical.
3. RMutt-Urinal
John and Kristina forfeit the Strictly chauffeur and so practice for the Tube ride home.
2. Derek53
"Right - that's the stomach patted - just got to rub my head now..."
1. beachcred
"No Kristina, You hold the umbrella like this and the microphone like this..."
The 
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~55~RS~)
Comments
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Although John was rehearsing his mind was still on the Guardian that sat on the chair in the corner.
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John still wasn't comfortable with the air banjo
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Don’t worry about quitting, John. Jo Brand can shave her hair and replace you, and nobody will even notice.
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Kristina Rihanoff explains that she doesn’t feel John’s replacement has the same charisma, but is still looking forward to dancing with Jeremy Paxman
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As a Sergeant-at- Arms he’s fine – it’s his legs that are the problem
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Don't worry about quitting, John. Jo Brand can shave her hair and replace you, and nobody will even notice.
(let's try again)
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Kristina Rihanoff explains that she doesn't feel John's replacement has the same charisma, but is still looking forward to dancing with Jeremy Paxman
(resubmitted)
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As a Sergeant-at-Arms he's fine - it's his legs that are the problem
(resubmitted)
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So, Rihanoff and Sergeantoff then
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John looks (at the) back at (of) what he's going to be missing the most about Strictly Come Dancing...
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Rehersals get underway for Prescott: The Musical
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Yeah, dancing with my arms around her when she's facing away from me is much more fun
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Rihanoff and HeRanOff
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John decided he needed to devote more time to his "How to Tell the Time through the Medium of Dance" DVD
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John rehearses for his starring role in "Beauty and the Beast on Ice"
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John admits he didn't think his heart would take much more dancing with Kristina
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And then, if the traffic is approaching from the front ...
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And that's what it's all about.
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Dancing at Lunacy
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Unfortunately, even Kristina couldn't face John dancing without laughing
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John wonders whether it's wig or dyed
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Not so much Saturday Night Fever, more Friday afternoon slight temperature
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The Dashing White (-haired) Sergeant
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The two foot rule from his high school dance days was a hard habit to break
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With John's stomach and Kristina's top, they fitted quite well as dancing partners
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John felt let down by the title of the show. Now, if Kristina had been just a little more strict ...
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Ballet-hoo
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He desperately wanted to be the Fred to her Ginger
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Cutting in on the invisible man was proving difficult for John
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John decides to quit after he overhears the judges' plans to include the splits in next week's dance
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Look, John, we both can't lead, OK?
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John had only been following instructions to "dance like Blair," but had followed Tony, not Lionel
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John was feeling confident on the cha cha front, but the hip hop segment was profoundly worrying
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At the audition, John is upset after being told he is too old to play Billy Eliot
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Shame! Poor John was hustled!
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Tangoing-going-gone
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Whilst Christina Aguilera's husband continued to age, she was reaping the benefits of her workout routine.
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John glances in the mirror and realises he should have worn a striped shirt.
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Kristina's air cymbals were no match for John's air banjo
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At the audition, John is upset to be told that, not only is he too old to play Billy Eliot, he's also too old to play Bruce Forsyth
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John thought the Highland Fling was a great idea because he wanted Arlene to admire his legs.
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Perhaps, he mused, if I copied her hair as well, the judges may be kinder..
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Tired of his hand 'slipping' down her back, she decided to take matters into her own hands
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Hip hop? More like plastic hip replacment hop.
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Tripping the light fantastic had been John's dream, it was just he was stuck at the tripping stage.
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'Whaddya mean "hip 'op"?'
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John (thinking). Thank God I don't have to wear a leotard and tights
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Dasvidanya!
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You know when you've been Tango'd!
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John is counting silently,
"..two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, step,step, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, twirl left, damn, right, now I lost count again,"
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John was looking forward to this week's dance - the Quickstep out the door.
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This is John Sergeant reporting from Westminster... Oh! Rude words 1 through 8!
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John and Kristina forfeit the Strictly chauffeur and so practice for the Tube ride home.
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I do wish she'd stop saying "OK John, once more with feeling" because that was my idea too!
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After asking Kristina to dance facing away from him, John finds those nagging pains in his chest go away
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And I always thought the American Smooth was Richard Gere.
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Saturday Night Leaver
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Go, go, quick, quick, go
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John enjoyed seeing the back of her, but the judges will enjoy seeing the back of him...
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Past de deux
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Tha cast rehearse for the upcoming musical version of The Plank.
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Billy Elliot 2 - Electric Boogaloo
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John (thinking). I'm going to be ever so popular at weddings.
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Yes, it did get away but it was this big. Honest!
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Kristina was convinced there was something wrong with the ballet class's mirror
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John: Rather wish they were still doing the minuet
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After not getting any joy from the judges in the past, I have decided to withdraw from this week's caption competition
:-)
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John was thinking of starting an act with Kristina as Apache dancers - he was already half-scalped anyway
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John even had to rehearse the "wave goodbye".
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"That man in the corner is looking at me as if my stomach is about to pop out form under my shirt!"
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Kristina decides its safer to face away from John after she notices the shape of his trousers
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Kristina had been hoping for a younger man as dancing partner, perhaps Bruce Forsyth
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Palais de Dunce
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I'm a ventriliquist, get me out of here....
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Last of the summer rumba
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I'm a puppeteer, get me out of here....!
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And this John is your body position so that you can induce the reverse swing in the latter overs, especially when it's overcast at Edgbaston. Well it's about as relevant as trying to teach you to dance!
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Strictly Signing Semaphore is not going to get that past the moderators...
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Taking the air guitar to new levels...the air ballroom dancing championships begin.
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John was never the same after exiting Strictly Come Dancing but he found daily comfort in his imaginary friend Dolly.
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Taxi!
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John had been prepared to continue until he saw the film 'They Shoot Horses, Don't They?'
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John's main problem was remembering the tune, he kept drifting back to the Dr Who theme 'Rubbery rump, rubbery rump...'
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Too much starch. Definitely, too much starch.
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As a dancer, Sergeant was rank
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The X-it Factor
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Kristina was shocked when she realised that John had slipped out of her grip and slid in behind her.
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Christina was expecting John to turn with her as she piroutted but his mind was on other things.
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So we creep up behind them like this and I'll grab Arlene and you take out Craig.
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Parker and Lady Penelope prepare to join Strictly Come Dancing
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The Madame Tussauds waxwork of John Sergeant performed considerably better than the real thing.
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"And a 1-2-3-4-into air guitar"
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Bolshy ballet
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The choice of "I'm a Little Teapot" as backing track for John's jive was sure to go down well.
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The best supporting role goes to John's buttons...
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The tandem skateboard was only a prototype, but after the first test-run John knew it needed more speed.
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...ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
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Don't worry John, the 'Dancing on Ice' judges will be much kinder to us next year.
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Belly-dancing seemed more his natural forte.
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John concentrated hard on keeping 'Little John' under control....Ann Widdecombe, Ann Widdecombe, Ann Widdecombe
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And with your left arm firmly gripping Craig Revel Horwood's head, you bring your right hand down firmly.
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"...and to use the correct terminology she may now be 'well up for it'. John Sergeant. BBC News. Chinawhites."
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Audiences were unimpressed with Swayze's last minute replacement.
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It was beginning to dawn on John that his bloated sense of self importance and this last ditch attention seeking had deprived his talented and gorgeous partner of her place in this competition. He reflected on the poor reward for her near infinite patience with him and her talent for structuring routines that made light of his inadequacies and showcased his few talents. Not least he was beginning to realise the extent to which he had let down his large number of supporters who had loyally and at some cost voted to keep him in the competition to date.
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I'm sorry Kristina, it's just that Arlene Phillips keeps pestering me to do that Hot Gossip number.
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Kristina had always believed that they would go all the way, but John just didn't have the stamina.
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Pants People
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The part of Pinocchio was coming along fine - it was the Blue Fairy that causing concern.
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"Nice to see your back. To see the back of you, nice."
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Bugger this for a game of soldiers, I'm off.
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"John, darlink, just in case you don't get the Doctor Who part, this is how to be a Cyberman."
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John decided to take his talent one step further and try out singing "Puppet on a string" on Pop Idol.
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Left, two, three.
Right, two, three
Middle Ground, two, three...
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Bawd at BBC disappoints again.
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"And if I place my left hand at this height...I can make it look like an accident!"
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And the first person I ever taught to dance was Peter Crouch.
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"Don't stare at her bum, don't stare at her bum, don't stare at her bum"
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"John, remember, until we're in 'hold', it's not a true Conga."
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What do you meaning you're resigning over the telephone voting. This isn't Blue Peter you know.
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"I'll try out for Prime Minister next - that'll be a piece of cake after this"
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...Here's my handle, here's my spout.
When the water's boiling tip me up and pour me out!
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I'll show them next year in 'Strictly Comb Over'...
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... now imagine you are Jo Brand in Dr Martin's ... look bored and fed up
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BBC dumbing down has predictable gut reaction.
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I'm a little Teapot short and stout. Here's my handle and here's my spout....
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John, I'm afraid your robot is leaking fluid
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Lard of the dance.
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John was Strictly's first recipient of the Foxtrot Oscar.
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Kristina’s intolerance to tardiness was evident when she started to dance without him.
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There may be trouble ahead...
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John longed for the simpler days of the hokey cokey
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This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
Dick Van Dyke had let himself go in recent years.... but the musical box still worked!
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JOHN!!! look its really not that hard, do it slowly with me... rub your belly first.... and then start tapping your head.
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Hands up all those who think the judges should be voted off!
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"...and this, John, is how you further manipulate the public by giving a modest little farewell wave..."
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"Right turn, Clyde"
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John suddenly suspected he knew where his hair dye had gone
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She claimed it was the natural colour, but John was certain he could see the roots...
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NO! I said I'd like a Chi Tea Latte, NOT a Tai Chi Party!
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No, your other left, John
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Carry On Sergeant...
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No, John: we don't rehearse with the javelins. We are saving them until Saturday.
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You sneak up behind Craig Revell Horwood, put your left hand over his mouth, then slap him on the head.
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"I'd like to see John Piennar do this."
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Does my bum look big in this?
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I know you're used to politics John, but this is how we do a 'U' turn on the dancefloor.
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" ... or are we human ? "
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Cha Cha Cha-Ra for now
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All together now with the 'Jaws' music - duh-duh ........ duh-duh ........ duh-duh ....... duh-duh - duh-duh - duh-duh.
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"Not me. I use Waltz and Go"
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The Mouse Dance Ballet ?
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'Imperfect everyman': " I see you baby (shakin' that ass)".
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Now I know what they mean when they say,
GET ME OUT OF HERE!!.
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John was finally glad to see the back of Kristina.
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Kristina thought that rehearsals would go much better if she couldn't actually see, just how bad John was.
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John knew that his martial arts classes would prepare him, should Mrs Thatcher ever again appear unexpectedly behind him.
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Waist Size Story
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Mmmmm I think I fancy a chippy tea tonight!
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Now I know what they meant when they said,
GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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You put your right arm in, your right arm out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about
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John had very nearly perfected this weeks dance, Peter Crouch's 'robot'. Kristina, frankly, was struggling.
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I had to go, I could not measure up to that.
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But there isn't an S in YMCA
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1. Is this tight-rope strong enough for two?
2. should we practice walking the plank?
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"Left, Right, Left, Left .... mmmh could really do with a pork pie"
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If only I had a 'dancing dummy' thought Kristina, not realising John was standing behind her.
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Okay John, follow me through, once you have got the judge in a head lock, use your right hand to tickle him, that should get him laughing.
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"You'd think the BBC had better things to report on than me quitting this pointless show."
"Yes John, it's almost as if the Government's spin machine has told the BBC to make this into a big story to distract people from the fact the country is going to the wall."
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Kristina: Ok John, for our last dance, we'll try an old favourite.... # you put your right arm in, your right arm out.... #
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After much persistence, Sergeant storms to the top of the leader board with an accomplished macarena
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It's a wig, it must be a wig. I wonder if it would fit me?
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Kepple and Betty were training hard, but still no sign of Wilson at rehearsals
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"...I remember having hair like that..."
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Then gently twist the light bulb into the socket. Very good.
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John thought to himself, "Hmm, I just need to do Hell's Kitchen and I'll have matching trousers for this shirt"
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The puppeteer pulls his strings and poor John is danced off the stage.
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I'm a little teapot...
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No, no , no. It's "Oxygen masks are located above your heads"
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Kristina tries a new tactic with John, the thinking girl's toe crusher.
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"John, do we have to go back to basics every time? Come round here and hold me properly like I showed you or I'm quitting..."
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The Helen Mirren lookalike contest was as good as won, she felt.
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Im a little Teapot short and stout,
I cant dance well so they forced me out!!!
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1-2-3 and left, left, left left left
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John's first day at Shop Window Mannequin School was going well
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Here's a little tea pot short and stout,
Here's my handle
Here's my spout ect ect
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So you put your left foot in, your left foot out...? Okey dokey, now we both turn round? Is that what it's all about?
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We've been doing this for twenty five minutes. I think it's about time for another collapse and some of that Russian first-aid.
[John fakes a funny turn, and stumbles to the ground]
" ...help me Kristina, I'm having trouble breathing again"
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John Sergeant wins Strictly Come Dancing
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The repercussions of Jacqui Smiths new trafficked humans legislation were felt across many aspects of society as men were quick to avoid any potential prosecution by ditching their partners.
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The judges welcomed creativity but an upmarket Conga was a poor choice
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The BBC unveils its new Test Card model
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Kristina: Right. So pick up your ten gallon hat, thong and chaps and we'll plan to meet at the club later for a full dress rehearsal.
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Even as a mirror image, John's best side fails to impress the judges.
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"Then you bend at the waist John, and that's how you bow out gracefully"
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"First one hand goes up, then the second hand, raise both above your head and you shout "I Surrender !""
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Next year I'm trying out for Morris Dancing!
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John: Are you sure this is how we do the macarena?
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It was while waiting for the nail varnish to dry that John thought "Enough is enough".
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You put your left feet in, your left feet out!
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Our ham in Havana
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John: " If I move my arm this way, do you get the new DAB reception?"
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'And the exits and here, here and here'.
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walk this way...
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The invisible man and his wife were eager to help John and his partner with their dancing practice
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'I may be rubbish at dancing but I play a mean air guitar!'
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With the International Space Station now fully open, John and Kristina practised for weightlessness.
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Premature evacuation.
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John's audition for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's manequine "Truly Madly" dancing scene were going well.
Although he could have sworn he signed up for the other role...
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Well, if Madonna can do it at her age ...
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Patiently John waited for his moment, the chloroform ready in his hand...
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Only two people put their hands up to bid for shares in RBS.
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He was only eating an egg banjo.
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Kristina, no doubt the BBC's ratings will shoot through the roof!
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Ah my favourites, Andrew Marr and Sophie Raworth!
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Kristina Rihanoff: "Now then John, double pirouette and stretch..."
John Sergeant: "I'm a little tea pot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout..."
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The new Barbie and John dolls hit the shops just in time for Christmas
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Rehearsals for the re-make of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's classic "dancing for the King" scene got under way with a new Dick, Van Dyke...
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sergeant at dance
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Kristina was getting fed up with John's mimic game
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The seriousness of the situation suddenly becomes apparent to John Sergeant when, for a moment, the back of Kristina's head looks like Maggie's.
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Right or Left? Never did care that much!
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Sergeant relives his glory moment of interviewing Lady Thatcher, keeping back the press and holding the microphone, in "Thatcher - The Musical"
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Was it me or was it her?
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Fred Astaire had really let himself go after discovering Krispy Kremes.
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Why am I doing this? Whay am I still doing this? Oh no I am being 'argumentative' within myself!!
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"Then you bring the right arm sharply forward to connect with Craig's face..."
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Perhaps I'll get a part in Terry Wogan's Christmas hit video.
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Right..so this is the final rehersal of how we are going to wave goodbye to the public..but i still cant help but think its a bit too "queeny".
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On 'World Philosophy Day' a pair of thinkers contemplate life without navels.
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Cha-Cha-Cha Changes,
Turn! And the face is strained...
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I cannot move my arms! Who over-starched my shirt?!
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Britain's latest two additions to the ranks of the unemployed have a Full Monty moment in the dole queue.
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Cor! I'd like to drag her across the floor!
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If Arlene doesn't like our routine for 'I lost my heart to a Starship Trooper' then we may as well go home.
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Kristina: "John, I think you're still standing too close for me to do my 360 degree spin"
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Attempts to replace difficult TV personality with hologram only partially successful.
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John dances with the grace of the great Nijinsky, especially when he won the 2000 Guineas.
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Send three and fourpence, we're going to ... oh, never mind.
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Kristina had been careful to keep her ears covered but a lapse in concentration and John could see he was dancing with a Vulcan.
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Last Tango in Peckam.
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I think that flamenco guitar player is miming
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John was so bad at dancing he didn't even know he had to hold Kristina in his arms.
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typo correction........
Last Tango in Peckham.
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John was doing his best to support Kristina's ridiculously short forearm.
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Old Giuseppe the carpenter was very pleased with his new musical-box, with the two ballet-dancers pirouetting in time to the music ... it was a pity he was never very good with men's faces though
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John Sergeant's audition for the remake pop video "Prince Charming".
Seems he was labouring under the misapprehension that there was a role of ugly sister up for grabs.
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In her secret tower Lady Thatcher scowled at her magic mirror, " Mirror, mirror, on the wall, kindly explain what happened to the promised public disgrace and humiliation of the Newsman that you promised me."
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"John at last finds a job with no strings attached."
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Um Kristina, is the toilet through there, you see my stomachs feeling a little odd.
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Russia's alternative dance troupe: The Bolshy Ballot
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'.ah...right...so I have to try to rub my tummy and tap my head at the SAME time...gotcha'
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"Don't worry about holding your stomach in, John - it's ME they will really be looking at"
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"I should have had a V8"
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"I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here's my handle, here's my spout..."
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Hey i can really do the Hokey Kokey!
You put your left arm in........
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Now for your next challenge John. Hold the pole like this.
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You lead, Christina, I'll catch up later!
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"I hate my life," pondered John, "but I also love my life," he thought as he covertly eyed up his dance partner.
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interpretive dance had never been John's strong point
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Sgt. 'peppers' lonely heart.
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John was just wondering if there was anyone more stupid, unattractive and badly co-ordinated than him when a BBC messageboard moderator walked in...
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No John - after the twirl, we're supposed to be facing each other!
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"Shall we just share the next taxi?"
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"Er... Kristina... are you sure the AK-47s will arrive in time for the actual performance?"
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Does my tum look big in this?
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Vloody Vodka and the Smurfanhoff practice without glasses the first few times.
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Kristina decides to cancel her internet dating subscription
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With her t-shirt on inside-out, Kristina has to be held up against a mirror for John to read its message
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Johns' next quest will be as a clothes horse - the right arm will be for the hack's mac and the right hand will be for the hack's hat.
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John's next quest will be as a clothes horse - the left arm will be for the hack's mac and the right hand will be for the hack's hat.
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And now John, swing your right hand across as hard as possible and wipe that smug grin from Craigs face.
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"..then just sneak up on Revell-Horwood an' grab him by the neck like this..." remarked Rihanoff
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After several rough afternoons with aching feet, John decides to take up Tai Chi instead.
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Why am I doing pretend ballroom dancing?
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At least I am better than Quintin Wilson
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I want to stuff Craig's 1 point bat where the sun doesn't shine
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"I'm a celebrity, get me out of here".
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When John signed up to EXIT, he hadn't realised it was for euthanasia
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Even John can't do 'I'm a Little Teapot'
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Playing musical statues was not part of the job description.
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John is practising his new job - a model in Littlewoods catalogue
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left arm up, right arm around ..... left foot forward .......... left foot back ......... left foot shuffle .... left foot vote for someone else pleeeeeeease
PS Well done John, glad the public are standing against bullies! You are doing your left foot best and thats what counts
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I don't do mornings
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Thinks John,
" I do so well at home by myself with a chair.
Shall I sit on her?"
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Kristina gives a "3 finger salute" should have been 4 to the judges
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Look out! .... Behind you!
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I hope that bra-strap holds out in front of the judges tonight!
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Unfortunately the mouse had eaten both cardboard cut-out 'partners' and was now feeling just a little bit queasy.
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no matter how much he tried to smile it wouldn't work, he couldn't move a muscle...if only he hadn't accepted the Botox from Arlene...
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Oooh! Pardon me Kristina - it must have been that Cicken Vindaloo!
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It all started when they asked me to do a news reel.
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Having left Strictly Come Dancing John rehearses for his next role with the Royal Ballet.
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After leaving, John admits that he missed his 'routines'.
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I'm a little teapot here's my spout, here's my handle and her's my resignation.
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I'm a little teapot here's my spout, here's my handle and here's my resignation.
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Dance Macabre
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That's it John, Arlenes' head in the left hand and then swift downward motions with the right hand.
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Seargeant cheques out.
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Mystery solved! All these weeks both have been learning the same part, no wonder I kept getting it wrong says John.
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It's great in rehearsal but then she turns to face me on the show and everything goes south.
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John wondered if anyone would notice that he'd just arrived from the new 'Talent for Tennis?' competition.
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That's the way to do it !
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John starts to get confused as he begins to learn his fifth dance move-the S. This comes after learning the Y, the M, the C and the A.
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No John....we give them the two fingers like this!!
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John's checked out...
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Strictly Come Dancing action figures set to be this Christmas' must have toy.
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"So, you see, you can hold the crossword puzzle in this hand and still be free to flush with the other."
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John Sergeant: Strictly Done Chancing, but does he have the XL Factor?
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"Wait ... do I push pineapple and THEN shake the tree?"
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Who would have thought there were two invisible men?
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"More passion John! Imagine I'm Mrs Thatcher..."
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Nobody puts Sergeant in the corner.
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"Don't think I don't know you're copying me behind my back."
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John and Kristine audition for their new roles in Thunderbirds are (a) Gogo - though clearly there are no strings attached this time !!
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"OK, John...if your're going to drag me along the floor can you at least get right into the corners where there's still some dust."
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Trying to learn the steps for Thriller was the final straw for John, despite having got the Corporeal look down to a tee.
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Oh my god Kris, you'll never guess whos just walked in!!
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'Right, she's not looking, I'm off to the celebrity jungle'.
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John's unique approach to dancing made him the ideal new GMTV presenter.
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"How's your Hip Hop, John?"
"Absolutely fantastic! I wouldn't be dancing today if it weren't for the hip replacement."
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They were half way home before they realised they'd left the pane of glass in the DIY shop.
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Mrs. Thatcher, could I ask you to comment?
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John Sergeatn practices what he will do to the Strictly judges when the revolucion comes.
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Aren't we supposed to have tea towels and trays
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"Slow-Slow-Quick..and in your own time, nice and easy, whenever you're ready-Quick-Slow..."
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Any army sargeant will tell you:
Marching is left right left right attention!
Dancing is left left left left suspension!
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Well I did warn you I had two left feet.
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"Now, what's that expression in politics to describe your dancing style, John?"
"...conservative? "
"Ah, I remember - Landslide!"
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Staring at the platinum coiffured hair , John's mind wandered to that evening in Paris when he so nearly got to Tango with his Iron Lady...
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After being reduced to "I'm a little teapot" John decided enough is enough.
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"OK, enough practicing, John...if you get any better we could be voted off."
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John contemplated the ramifications of a premature withdrawal from Kristina....
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"Ah...but Kristina...can you rub your belly and pat your head at the same time? I bet the judges can't."
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OK John, so it's 1..2..3..4.. up, back, forward, SLAP ............. then move onto the next judge.
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"Twist and turn and push away... twist and turn and push away...
It's all gone too far, Kristina. - I'll have to do something about my snoring...it's driving the wife crazy."
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John had been trying to convey the state of the UK economy through the medium of dance.
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Who said I couldn't dance - I'm the Dashing White Sergeant
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"I've had the time of my life" -John
"no-one puts John in the corner (well yet) - Kristina
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"I've had the time of his life" - Kristina
"I wish I could have the 'time of my life' with you" John.
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Kristina is leading me a merry dance.
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Is this the zimmer cruise dance, as off in a few days time?
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Me... and... my... shaaaaadow.
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I could follow Kristina anywhere.
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"Grease lightning not nor Dirty Dancing
but possible tango in............................"- Kristina
John- "Do you think that my moves stopped me getting invited to all these political parties?
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When I've finished on Strictly, I'm going to take up Morris Dancing... and lose another two stone.
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It was at times like these that John's fourth-grade pilates instructor's words rang through his head; "Be the ball!! Be the ball!!".
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Kristina: Imagine we're on a balance beam twenty stories up. Don't look down.
John: I just looked down. Now what?
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John: Well you can see your feet now can't you?!
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The thought of me winning this caption competition would be a joke too far.
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Its 1990 the British Embassy Paris. Mrs Thatcher sweeps past.....but in John's dream she grabs more than the microphone.
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While Helen Mirren was pleased with the results of her face lift, Jo Brand wasn't so pleased with her gender-realignment surgery.
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After four hours, John was starting to lose patience: Kristina clearly wasn't getting the hang of patting her head and rubbing her tummy at the same time.
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Ok, lets practice this again, you grab a judge by the scruff of the neck with one hand and give them a good slap with the other.
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"I'd much rather be sat in my office."
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"I'd rather be sat in my office"
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"There is something far more interesting out that window."
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"My heart is not really in this"
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"One more sharp twist, I'll have a coronary."
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"god, my hair is nearly as white as hers"
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"John will you please take your moves more conservatively, as I am finding the drag move very toring."
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"John I know this is a huge change from your every day job... But could you please take your moves more conservatively, as I am finding the drag move very toring."
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That's the only perfect 10 i'll be seeing this series.
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Passé Doble?
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"No. I said, 'I'll take the lead.'
Please, turn 'round.
Anyway, your left arm is way out! I am not that fat!"
Oh, bother.
ps - I love John - he is not fat. And I miss so much seeing him and others of the BBC. Unfortunately, I am now in Canada for these past 7 years, so I have not seen the dance programme. Please get me home! Please! Sorry, I think I have distemper.
Mark.
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John couldn't stop staring at the piece of chewing gum stuck in Kristina's hair...
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You put your right arm in,
Your right arm out,
You do the hokey-cokey
And put the judges' noses out.
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"Tonight darling, let's dance the ' Pass a Don't Blame' for them all".
"I'm doing my best!".
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Taping the step sequence to the back of Kristina's head worked well, until she turned to face him.
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Oh blimey.. Heads up, Lembit's arrived.
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Now remember, when opening yet another pair of gloves from Aunty Doris at Christmas, try to look pleased..
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Out of work Investment Bankers retrain as lollipop men..
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It was all going so well, and then the music started...
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Wait a minute, wait a minute. So it's one, two, three ... four?!
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When I was told I would be gyrating behind a hot, Russian girl, this is not quite what I expected.
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John could talk the talk and, walk the walk, he just had problems when it came to dance the dance.
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When John entered the competition he dared not dream that he might go home with a trophy. Imagine his surprise at getting a Foxtrot Oscar from the judges.
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1.Just think of 'Sn'-Arlene,John.
That's the problem,Kristina!
2.Sid James never had this many laughs in "Carry-on Sargeant!"
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"Come on John,shut the judges up once and for all."
"Isn't that still a jailable offence,Kristina?"
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"So, John. What happened to a life lived in fear and all that stuff.......?"
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This air guitar routine will really blow them away
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We had the chance but we were scared.
We walked away.
WE LIVED OUR LIVES IN FEAR!
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Holding the judges head with your left hand thus, proceed to smack them about the head with the right.
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Attempt at introducing Robot Dancing into the American Smooooooth.
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Hong Kong Phooey didn't really do it like this, did he?
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The synchronized 'Farewell' dance was proving more difficult than it first seemed.
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Isn't scissors-cuts-paper usually played face-to-face?
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Yes, my partner has a cloak of invisibility, as well!
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The synchronised watch-wearing started badly.
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So, Eddie Izzard supports me then? Hang on a minute, that is Eddie Izzard!
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John was looking forward to going home and having a nice gin : sloe, sloe, quick, quick, sloe
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"I'm a little tea-pot, short and stout...
Here's my handle, here's my spout."
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The jig is up.
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Sergeant denies public to become private.
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That's great, John, but if you were three feet nearer you would actually have your arms around me, as planned!
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The modern reimagining of 'Beauty And The Beast' bombed at the West End..
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John learns that Kristina used to be a hitwoman for the KGB and happily gives her four final assignments
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John decides to go out with a flourish and leaves a message for Andrew Sachs on his answerphone
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John's new job of 'trolley dolley' was going to be as hard to achieve as Strictly..
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"You can make as many cock ups as you like, as long as people vote for you...and I've always stood by Mr Blair's advice."
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"Michael Jackson promised to let me do this one in our video."
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"Now, if I can just get the public to boycott the next vote, I'll have established complete control."
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Winning the 'Strictly' Xmas Party Musical Statue competition was a bitter pill to swallow for Sergeant.
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A lot of the viewers who responded to the call to "Vote for Sergeant" actually thought they were voting for a military coup
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"I thought, philosophically, if I have to shoot myself to save the other contestants, that wouldn't be funny."
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Keep my eyes on the back of her head and don't look down until the photographer's gone
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I never realised this would create such a furore when Jonathan and Russell suggested it to me in the pub last week
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"What's it to be, John...Tango, Salsa, Merengue?"
"I'm OK, dear...I've brought sandwiches and a flask of tea."
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Determined that the show must still go on even with out him, John teaches Kristina how to go solo
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"Yes, it's all coming back to me now - Michael Foot, 1982 Labour Conference dinner dance..."
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John noticed Rob Falconer in his usual seat in the rehearsal room and consoled himself with the thought that it was nearly that time of year when the hobby magazines come out for those long winter evenings.
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John decided the Puppet Show Dance was just one dance too far!!
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John was getting worried - Christina was undoubtedly Truly Scrumptious, but he looked more like the King than Dick Van Dyke.
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John didn't mind a Russian partner - but he'd been hoping for one from Poland or Lapland...
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I'm a Little Tea Pot, Short and Stout, There's Kristina, See Her Pout.
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Sargeant tried his best to imitate the waxwork dancer at Madame Tussauds.
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#412 - Thanks, laughingTruffle. Some of the magazines are out already. Where do you get your name from - do the pigs tickle?
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Don't blame me, I voted Obama!
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Dancing in check, after Sergeant loses stripes.
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#418 sorry - was just an amiable jest - your submissions are fast reaching 40! my name was decided for me by the registration process as my original choices had been taken so I used one of their suggestions.
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Taxi for Sergeant
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After the leaking of a BNP membership list, Johns partner no longer wishes to look him in the face
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god I need a scotch
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...."Then when you've signaled the flight out onto the tarmac you make this sign to hold it for the next hour..."
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Sergeant's honourable discharge
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She's talking out of the back of her head!
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Of course, with the actual lollipop in your hand it makes more sense.
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Sergeant withdraws after Forsyth Saga
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"Hey, is that Robert Peston over there doing back flips?"
"Yes...it's now official - we're in a recession."
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Kristina had let one go but ever the gentleman John just wafted it to one side.
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John quickly realised that his shirt was perfect for this Texas Square Dance routine but the new cowboy boots were killing him!
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As the new "Dancer" range of mannequins came off the productions line, Quality Control Manager Arlene noticed a small problem...
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Backing dancers rehearse for Madonna's Sticky & Sweet tour of America. Kristina plays the part of Sweet.....
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Bilko withdraws after final comedy appearance!
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Right - that's the stomach patted - just got to rub my head now...
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"So I hold them close with my left-hand and karate chop on the neck with my right?" asks John as he plans his revenge for the SCD judges.
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The one that got away
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Cashiered!
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Waltz all the fuss about?
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Vixen Dancer awaits inept Prancer to Dash, er (!), out for another Donner
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"Your dance partner's over here, Mr. Sargent"
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John reveals Claus in his strictly contract as reason for leaving
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“NO John. It’s one, TWO, cha, cha, cha…”
“Well, I’m leaving anyway. Ha, ha, ha!”
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"NO John. It’s one, two, cha, cha, cha…"
"Well, I’m leaving anyway. Ha, ha, ha!"
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Sergeant withdraws after coming under fire from snipers
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Remember, when you hear me say "1, 2, 3.. 1, 2, 3...", I'm marking the time signature of the Waltz, not reciting your scores from last week...
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And this year's 'Brown-Darling' award for distracting the Public goes to.........Johnny Sergeant and the Pirates.
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It only goes to show, you cannot keep a Goodman down...
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Sergeant to self: "It's no use, I'll never get a waist like that..."
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Kristina gasped when John mentioned the size of his payoff from the BBC.
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Desperate to find a dance in which he excels, John rehearses a new 'robotics' routine for his Christmas special comeback.
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No, here's the microphone, Kristina
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So let me get this right; it's 'pat your stomach and rub your head'...?
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Place the sack of cash over your right shoulder, holding it firmly at the bottom and don't forget to thank Mr Thompson on your way out.
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"Get it right this time Kristina, and I promised I'll read the Guardian aloud to you"
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The BBC are to reimburse people who voted for John, so atleast his family will get their £600 back...
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The BBC are to reimburse people who voted for John, so atleast his family will get their 600 quid back...
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John was worried; he really shouldn't have left that message on Arlene's answerphone...
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Yes, apparently 2 million people can be wrong...
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More signs that the Alexander Litvinenko poisoning has increased the hostility between Britain and Russia.
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Madonna's new man can certainly 'Vogue'.
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The judges comments had really hurt poor John. Kristina decided to teach him the comforting benefits of tree hugging.
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If only John could guarantee this many votes again, he'd be a dead cert for the PM spot.
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The lady's not for turning
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The Judges will probably be watching your fingers, John, so do THIS.
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Don't worry it's much easier in the pool John.
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Suddenly John realised just how Lembit felt.
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...but if I am expected to hold her right hand, what on earth am I going to do with the left....I must think of something!
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John was having second thoughts about strictly synchronised swimming
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The truth about the night before: “Yes John, they thought a surprise replacement of me with Margaret Thatcher would do your pas de deux the world of good.”
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No Kristina, You hold the umbrella like this and the microphone like this...
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Hold the bottle over Craig Revell Horwood, bang it on the bottom, and the ketchup will cover him.
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"I'll be up front and you can be the backfatter"
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Strictly Plumb Prancing
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Kristina finally realised that the only dance move John had left to master was the Robotic...Not.
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At least this Seargent didnt appear on the BNP members list.
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The new John and Kristina "Dancing Horrors in Wax" attraction at Madame Tussauds becomes a massive hit with the fans.
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"I like low scores and I cannot lie;
All the judges can't deny.
When an MP walks in with a bulbous chin;
And he's bouncing 'cross the stage..."
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Shock news. John Sergeant returns to Strictly Come Dancing with new partner.
Dame Helen Mirren.
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John practices for his new TV role on Dale Winton's Hole in the Wall
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When not advertising car insurance, Churchill enjoys a spot of mime.
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The John Sargeant action figure was never going to be top of anyone's Christmas list...
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"What do you see, you people staring at me..."
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John quits to return to his first love........ Mime!
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brilliant, you've mastered that move John....
now stay still...
next we spray you silver, all over....
then we put you on a box in the High street & wait for those tips flooding in !
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I'm not an ambi-turner.
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simple simon says 'raise your left arm'...
ah got ya' your out
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it's no good I'll never get the hang of this YMCA routine
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