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Hugo Rifkind, late of People in the Times, this one's for you.
Now a columnist - having left People in the more than capable hands of ex-media correspondent Adam Sherwin - Rifkind gnaws his fist over the pictures from Ascot and, in the process, reveals his editorial policy on the gossip page.
"As the custodian of the Times People column, my motto was simple: 'No chefs, no milliners, no Paris Hilton.' I broke the first often, and the third one more than once. The middle one, never. Silly hats send me into a shouting rage."
Paper Monitor, feeling contrary, saw this and thought of you, Hugo. That'll teach you to break that third rule. (The Guardian notes that this hat is sponsored by a plumbing firm - bet you a pound to a penny that it's another stunt in Pimlico Plumbers' ceaseless quest for publicity. Here's an earlier one.)
His successor is settling in nicely at People, with a particularly pleasing allusion to Narnia today (More details in the Times).
Sherwin took over in the paper's recent redesign, a move which meant new byline pics for its columnists. Notable is uber-writer Caitlin Moran, who sports her Serious Caitlin face for today's opinion piece on abortion, and her Crazy Caitlin face in the new celebrity column seemingly modelled on both Celebdaq and G2's mighty work of poison pen genius, Lost in Showbiz.
Meanwhile, speaking of poison pens, the Daily Mail lists 10 reasons to buck up despite all this economic gloom:
• "Tim Henman won't get knocked out of Wimbledon - he's a commentator"
• "You can lie on your CV and still get hired by Sir Alan Sugar" (and work in Brentwood? How depressing)
• "Heather Mills has moved to New York"
Harsh! Especially as it then goes on to list 10 reasons to be miserable, all of which are very serious and leave no room for jokes at Heather's expense. And with a £24.3m divorce settlement, she can afford it.