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Paper Monitor

12:13 UK time, Monday, 17 December 2007

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There are a number of stressed figures in the public eye this week. Many will be looking for reassurance that they will escape the next seven days unscathed and make it through to Christmas with their sanity intact.

Where can they find this reassurance?

Why, in the pages of our esteemed tabloids’ horoscope columns, of course.

The enigmatic Italian Fabio Capello (born 18 June – Gemini) is due a stressful day with his unveiling as manager of the England team.

But the Yoda-like sage of the Daily Mail, Jonathan Cainer, advises that the stars say coffee is the answer.

"Have a double espresso. In fact, have two... Talk lots of nonsense at great speed. Make unnecessary moves." Hmmm, a very Italian solution.

Over at the Daily Express Justin Toper sounds a little cynical, with mysterious echoes of those who say Capello is a short-term mercenary.

"Obviously, you've prepared yourself to make a commitment, otherwise you wouldn't be talking... Is that the sound of wedding bells or cash tills?,” he writes.

The Sun’s Mystic Meg has reassurance for a manager who was unceremoniously dumped by Real Madrid.

“It can feel risky to believe in love again but you are a relationships expert tonight.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown (born 27 June – Cancer) will be waiting to see the aftermath of the Basra handover and how it is going to impact on British deployment in Iraq. It is a tricky time.

The 1970s prog rock-haired Toper admits: "This isn't an entirely stress-free time." And Cainer concurs: "Almost every time you open your mouth, you will say something that upsets someone."

But over in the Sun, owned by Rupert Murdoch, who is reportedly a fan of Brown’s style, there are sweet words.

“You are smart shrewd and ready to shine in all you do,” says Mystic Meg

What of the badgerish Alistair Darling? The chancellor is due in the House of Commons to make a statement on the loss of discs full of personal details by the HMRC, and is also still reeling from criticism over Northern Rock. How will he fare?

Cainer sums up the situation perfectly. "Lately, you have begun to fear a situation is untenable."

But there are positive vibes from Toper. "The Sun close to Mercury in Sagittarius tends to make you more talkative... You may even stun others into silence today."

Paper Monitor can’t wait for this moment of serenity in the Commons bearpit.

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