A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
It's been quite a while since Paper Monitor has turned its attentions to the philosophical ponderings of Britain's leading conceptual columnist, Tracey Emin. Time to remedy this oversight.
Today's Independent readers find Ms Emin thinking hard about her upcoming show in Los Angeles as she relaxes next to a swimming pool in the shadow of an old monastery in a "Roman province". Well, who can't relate to that?
The show, as such, seems to be more of a concept than a reality at this stage. And even in Ms Emin ultra-relativist universe, she knows that won't get the turnstiles spinning. She needs a title to focus her thoughts.
"I'm filled with some ferocious excitement. I have a brilliant title: You Left Me Breathing. I like it because it has lots of different connotations." Lots eh? Such as... "Being half-dead. When someone leaves you standing – crying – as you sob and inhale the air you realise how important breath is. The same as when making love with uncontrollable passion…"
And then we get a peek under the bonnet at the furiously threshing creative engine that drives Ms Emin's exploits.
"Yes, I'm very happy with this title. And that's the starting point with all shows… Once you know where you are going you can work towards it."
So where has Ms Emin set her YBA GPS for?
"I want to make a series of crazy sex paintings – half Tony Hancock The Rebel, a quarter Tracey Emin and a good 25% alcohol induced. I want to push myself to the limit… to get to that point where I'm afraid to go to the studio the next day for fear of what I might have done."
And then the line that is guaranteed to inflict desperation and despair on anyone, even blissed-out Californians who, don't forget, are going to have said sex paintings inflicted on them.
"I had a dream last night…"
Good luck Los Angelians. Paper Monitor has spied an exit strategy, in the form of the Sun's reporter Oliver Harvey, who has been put on shark detail. "We swim with Jaws". And there it is, a picture of the razor sharp-toothed Great White launching itself out of the water.
Blimey, and to think Paper Monitor has been scoffing at the suggestion of a man-eating shark off the coast of Cornwall for all this time. But wait… Harvey isn't in St Ives, but 6,000 miles away off the coast of South Africa.
Paper Monitor feels duped, humiliated, almost as if it had been goosed on live TV.