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Paper Monitor

10:57 UK time, Friday, 8 June 2007

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If there was an annual prize for the most desperate, tortured pun in a headline, the Sun would have won it today, allowing other subs to relax for the rest of the year.

“Longhaul-denballs” is the gem on a piece about David Beckham’s prospective flights from LA to join up with England.

Now Paper Monitor knows that wife Victoria’s nickname for David is Goldenballs. But that means this pun only really works if you pronounce “longhaul” as Inspector Clouseau or the policeman out of ‘Allo ‘Allo! might. Strange.

The staff of Metro are also in punning form.

There's an extraordinary story of a man in a wheelchair who ended up being carried for nearly four miles at 50 mph after becoming stuck in the grille of a lorry.

“Chair-ton Senna”. Given that the poor man was terrified, it's hard to raise a chuckle.

On Monday Paper Monitor started a carnival of eating, based on a wilful misreading of a Times diet which promised a loss of 5lb by the end of the week (that's tomorrow). No trouble has been spared in eating far more than Paper Monitor normally would, in sheer stubborn defiance of the idiotic promise of losing so much weight in such a short time.
And so we're pleased to announce that a quick hop on the hi-tech electronic scales in Paper Monitor's bathroom this morning showed a loss of 2lb since Monday morning, in spite of quite shameful gluttony. Now then, just time for double porridge. (It's made from oats, which grow in Britain, you know.)

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