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Paper Monitor

13:02 UK time, Monday, 1 January 2007

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's a new year, and on this day it is traditional for thoughts to turn to a new you. For those rather too replete with festive, er, spirit, the papers are full of advice.

The Daily Telegraph, for one, offers pages and pages of advice for those bleak January mornings when resolutions to eat healthily, think deeper and exfoliate fall by the wayside. So what tips might Paper Monitor glean?

Its life coach urges a detox of the mind to gain "self-knowledge and self-understanding" as a public service to others - and yourself. "Start with the good stuff first. Sit back and ask yourself what were the highlights of the past year. When were you happiest?" Well, that's easy, dear readers - any time an observation cracked a smile on your lips. You see, Paper Monitor's happiness is dependent on yours. What do you mean, that's not very healthy?

Right, moving on to diet. There's a box of Quality Street sitting by the editor's desk and it's hard to resist their sickly sweet allure. Queen of the body detoxers, Carol Vorderman, suggests a sesame snap as a treat instead. Yeah, right.

Fitness. Feel that burn! "Invent your own mini triathlon; for example 2,000m row, 20km bike ride, 3km run." Mini?!?!?!?

The paper's fashion experts suggests that "if you have become predictable like Liz Hurley, be brave and reinvent yourself as Emma Thompson has done so successfully." But Paper Monitor's entire wardrobe is made up of white jeans! (Although that is where any resemblance to La Hurley ends.)

Hmmm, this New You malarkey isn't going very well. But never fear, in tomorrow's paper Team Telegraph will explain how to "balance your working life with the life you want." But Paper Monitor works to live, and lives to work.

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