A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Ooo! Ooo! A fun new game, inspired by those Monitor letter-writers who enjoy spotting strangely confluent headlines on this very website. Perhaps Paper Monitor will call it Spot the Confluence (OK, that's a bit rubbish, suggestions welcome).
I'M THRILLED TO BE PREGNANT, SAYS THE VIRGIN MARY - page three of the Daily Express.
POPE: I WON'T WEAR A BULLET-PROOF VEST - ditto.
The mind, truly, doth boggle. Not that Paper Monitor is suggesting that one has anything to do with the other. Oh no.
Meanwhile, for anyone out there having a less than perfect Monday, reassurance arrives courtesy of page 13 in the Daily Mail. However bad things get, at least you're not pictured out on the razz in a navel-grazing slapper dress accessorised with what may - or may not - be a vomit stain and just one fishnet stocking, the other being worn by your new bezzy mate. Classy.
Does said picture appear in the paper's gallery of tired and emotional young people enjoying the UK's 24-hour "continental cafe culture"? No, but it fits the bill - it's Britney Spears and Paris Hilton stepping out in Hollywood.
The Daily Mirror also chronicles Britney's two-week party since dumped "K-Fed". It ain't pretty. Just a few pages on, the paper runs a "how sexy are you?" quiz. Let's just say that Brits scores rather less highly than she once would have.
And being a Monday, there's a Diana lead in the Express. There was a mix-up at the lab, you see, and that led to...
Oh, now look what's happened. Paper Monitor's all but lost the will to live.