In your younger days, you wanted to be Billy Bremner, scoring against Chelsea in the cup final after extra time. You could do all the moves, all the faces. Then you discovered youth culture and decided that you’d rather be Joe Strummer, saving the world against evil capitalists and Jeff Lynne fans. You even dabbled with a bit of James Dean and Eddie Cochran, trying to get the hair and the pose right.
Later, you were pleased enough if someone reckoned you looked like Van Heflin, or even Gene Hackman. So long as they didn’t mention Clive James. By now, your ego is busted, your expectations are supine in the looks department. And then one of your kids improvises a portrait of the father, using an upturned, empty egg shell. There it is, jeering at you from the kitchen table.
Life: is this all it’s cracked up to be?
Stu Bailie presents The Late show on Radio Ulster, every Friday from 10pm until midnight. See his playlist here.