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Fred or dead

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Robbo Robson | 15:11 UK time, Monday, 20 July 2009

Having watched the final round of the Open, I got up early Monday morning and clambered into the loft - actually I sent the lad Darren up there 'cos the hole into the attic must've got a lot smaller since I left me golf clubs up there.

I was out on the course by 8am. And I tell you I was playing it like Tom Watson. Tom Watson in the four-hole play-off that is.

There were lots of potential sentimental faves out there. Lee Westwood - a top golfer but somehow his walk never convinces me. He's got the Agassi waddle, hasn't he? But he got very close.

Then of course there was dad-to-be Ross Fisher who said he would pop up to see the missus if she went into labour. These golfers are flaming loaded, surely they could've brought the midwife up to Turnberry for the week. I had visions of the wife swearing her head off at poor old Ross as he asks her not to grip his hand so tight as it'll only affect his putting.
Tom Watson
Then of course there was the spry 59-year old. Tom's hardly got a grey hair on his head, he's still got this jaunty little strut and were it not for a neck with more creases in it than a tortoise's you'd never know he was approaching the bus pass stage.

But at the end he looked like a tortoise of 279, didn't he? That putt on the 72nd hole wasn't so much tired as decrepit, and you knew he was done for.

I don't think there's ever been a less celebrated winner of the Open Championship than Stewart Cink. He seems a nice enough fella. He's certainly gracious and not at all vain or he wouldn't be going for the two-tone look on his bonce, with the tanned face and the lily-white head. Every time he doffed his hat he looked like a huge walking ice-cream cone.

But the thing was, no one apart from his family and my mate Tony Thompson (who had money on him) wanted him to win. Cink wins and there's not much of a story. Tom wins and it's the story of the century.

Cink's another of these American golfers who puts a lot of his success down to God. Sports people thanking the Lord for making it possible always make me feel uncomfortable.

Apart from anything else, why wasn't God rooting for old man Watson when he let that last approach shot drift over the back of the green? Mind, in the play-off He certainly moved Tom's balls in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform.

I only played nine holes of my round. It was hard to concentrate on your pitching wedge with TMS blaring out of your transistor radio. At one point I tried to let some other fellas through but they just stood with me on the 10th tee listening along. By the time Freddie bowled Siddle there were eight of us, ears cocked in the direction of Jim Maxwell, as the mighty man claimed his five-for.

When Johnson started clubbing it around and Clarke was sounding unruffled I was beginning to get that nausea in the pit of the stomach again. The feeling of four years ago came right back. I'm sure I still have irritable bowel syndrome as a result of watching England trying to knock off 130 against wicked Warney. As opposed to Ponting, who must have irritable bowled syndrome, heh, heh.

Curiously, when I got to the Blue Bell for a lunchtime glass of your cheapest cava, there seemed to be an awful lot of employed people imbibing medicinal refreshments to overcome something that 'could well be swine flu'. At least that's what the SMS to their workplaces said.

There's one thing the result at Lord's has proved: we must do everything in our power as a nation to achieve three things: world peace, the arresting of global warming, and the maintenance of Andrew Flintoff's Test career. I've got a plan:

1. Find some young strapping lad who's willing, for the sake of his country, to give up his knee for a transplant. A small fee and free tickets for every Test Match should suffice.
Andrew Flintoff

2. Give the man a shocking ultimatum: no Tests, no beer. It's as simple as that. You can do as much faffing about with Twenty20 as you like but we can guarantee your dressing-room mini-fridge will be drier than the wife's sponge cake.

3. Emotionally blackmail the bloke. Tell him if he doesn't play we're going to bring back Darren Pattinson or Liam Plunkett. Failing that we'll maintain a 24-hour vigil of sobs and wailing outside the man's house until he gives in.

Then again, maybe, just maybe, the decision not to carry on after the Ashes has freed him up to just run in and bowl like the utter BFG he is. (Big Friendly Giant, unless you're Australian).

You have to say that if there is a God then he was working in England's favour. The weather, the decisions, the fact that the Aussies displayed dodgier pulling techniques than a tipsy Teessider in a tawdry nite-spot. Even the end of play on Sunday night fitted England's bill perfectly.

This Ashes series is already developing into a classic. But if Fred's unfit, you can't see our lads taking 20 wickets every time. Remember the hoo-hah about Beckham's metatarsal? That's nowt, nowt compared to the Battle of Flintoff's Knee. (With a nod and a wink to Mr. Cink, thank God he's ours.)


  • 1. At 4:06pm on 20 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    Robbo, Golf? errr what.. no.. sorry! Even your musings can't get me interested in that (just my council estate mentality, if thier are no windmills or obstacles... its not real golf!)

    But man, the cricket was out of this world! My god, i do little work at the best of times but this morning i had the phone switched off and set my "out of office" up on the emails!

    Anything we can do to keep the lad fred for the test's i say we do it... Can we freeze him and just thaw him out every Ashes? And how developed are robotics these days, a bionic knee wouldn't go a miss.

    I have been saying since the Cardiff miracle session that if we win at Lords that silly little urn is ours... It is all coming to pass!

    Lay off the golf though fella... Apart from that blinding!

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  • 2. At 4:13pm on 20 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    If Tom Watson can get that close, at the age of 259, with a neck like a crocodile handbag and a replacement hip made from old meccano bits, why is Freddie making a fuss about a nobbly kneecap?
    Think again, my son! (Although threatening his beer was a bit below the belt, you miserable sod).

    Ross Fisher seems like a nice lad. But, caught the wrong way, he's a bit too much like Alan Partridge is his Sports Casual range.

    A splendid read as ever - but, the picture of Freddie is distressing... He'll never catch the ball like that.

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  • 3. At 4:14pm on 20 Jul 2009, tricky-knee59 wrote:

    Brilliant Robbo - brilliant.

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  • 4. At 4:45pm on 20 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    Bit slow on here... Robbo say something about Rafa (anything... good or bad), you'll have thousands of posts in no time...

    Infact i'll do it...

    Rafa's transfer policy has at times been questionable!

    Ooooh, take that you die hard reds!

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  • 5. At 5:02pm on 20 Jul 2009, GazUtd wrote:

    I knew it. I could see it all morning. Robbo patiently sitting by his Commodore 64 waiting to see if the cricketers could actually come up with a win at Lords.

    The English cricketers that is, of course. The Aussies have won there more times than Ian Poulter's tailor has had a bad LSD trip.

    So it was either a blog about the greatest story in the history of sport, ever. Or England winning a test match for the first time in 753 years.

    And Stuart Cink had to spoil it. I didn't like his God bothering afterwars but surely if it's true it must mean this God bloke doesn't like the oldies. Maybe that's why they say the good only die young.

    My uncle had money on Cink too, which meant I thought Watson was a shoo-in as the last time he backed a winner was in a lion over a Christian in the first at the 14:25 in Rome.

    Wonder will Red_Sam make an appearance this week or will be have to make do with 50 or so comments until you tell us that Rafa spilt a cream bun on his tie on Wednesday.

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  • 6. At 5:03pm on 20 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    Ref 4 RedBlueArmy92

    Aaaaargh... Don't do this! Stories about Sam being taken out by swine flu are nothing but unfounded rumour: he may still be out there... and you bring up Rafa!

    Michael Owen scores the winning goal for ManU on his first outing, Keano suggests that Ronaldo was a snip at 80 million, and Beckham met 'at arsal in LA... To Sam, these are drips of virgin blood on Dracula's lips, and you bring up Rafa?

    You're the guy who brought the rain to Lords on Saturday. Remember that.

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  • 7. At 5:05pm on 20 Jul 2009, Chris Charles wrote:

    4.RedBlueArmy92: The reason it's slow is because there are a plethora of features around today and Robbo hasn't made it on to the front yet.

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  • 8. At 5:22pm on 20 Jul 2009, The Marvellous Mechanical Mouth Organ wrote:

    Robbo, you got back from the pub very quickly to write this!

    The Cava must not have been chilled!


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  • 9. At 5:28pm on 20 Jul 2009, OdinTheAardvark wrote:

    re Flintoff's knee: have the ECB considered replacing the knee with one from a gorilla? Even the ECB could afford that - after all, you can get two ape knees for a penny!


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  • 10. At 5:28pm on 20 Jul 2009, JoeDavisRoach wrote:

    I wish the BBC would fire this fourth rate comedian and invest the licence payers money in something a bit more worthwhile.

    All this pretend stuff about the "Blue Bell" etc is really a bit sad.

    If your going to have these kind of nonsense articles could you not hire someone with a bit of talent to write them?

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  • 11. At 5:36pm on 20 Jul 2009, kevfullo wrote:

    Alright Robbo
    i live about 20 miles from Flintoff's Mams.i'm 36 but i've done nowt knee wise since i was 16 so he can have mine, not far for the transplant ambulance to go. or failing that i'll show you where to start the wailing /sob vigil.
    p.s. which is best, chicken or pork parmo?

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  • 12. At 5:44pm on 20 Jul 2009, U14029869 wrote:

    This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.

  • 13. At 5:46pm on 20 Jul 2009, vanjoh wrote:

    After the last test, I predicted on these very pages that Cardiff underachievers Strauss, Bopara, Swann and Broad would come good at Lord's. Well, I was half right! To be fair, that's more than usual.

    Bopara and Broad are on their second warning. Failure at Edgbaston and they're out.

    By the way, I'm with RedBlueArmy92 on the subject of The (yawn) Open. Crazy golf is the people's game.

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  • 14. At 5:47pm on 20 Jul 2009, andrewtheboom wrote:

    Flintoff will play test cricket again. We'll wheel him out for the next Ashes series. You heard it here first.

    And that's fine because Flintoff is crap against anyone who isn't Australian anyway.

    Watson and his turkey neck isn't the only sportsman who can manage a comeback.

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  • 15. At 5:49pm on 20 Jul 2009, GazUtd wrote:

    Sam's brother making an appearance for him this week then.

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  • 16. At 5:51pm on 20 Jul 2009, GazUtd wrote:

    Jesus, just one word of advice. Well one paragraph of advice.

    While some of your points might be valid you lose any semblance of credibility when you quote the fountain of idiocy that is Wikipedia.

    Now can you ask your oul fella why he let Cink win yesterday?

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  • 17. At 5:53pm on 20 Jul 2009, MeaningOfLife42 wrote:

    "2. Give the man a shocking ultimatum: no Tests, no beer."

    Haha, classic.

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  • 18. At 6:07pm on 20 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    Number 12, i resentify the comenation that Robbo's readerers are stoopid just becoz we dont have fancy book learnings like what you have had, and wee spended are time in the pub getting boozified and drunken!

    Seriously though what happened to a merciful christ? Mate every week someone says they don't like the robbo, and a load more people say if you don't like it don't read it... But if you dont read it then how do know you won't like it?? But to go to the lengths of some serious investigation (well typing robbo in to google) and then posting your little diatribe against (as you point out) a comedy CHARACTER is clearly a massive waste of time fella... The beeb just spent a gigillion pound on the golf, i don't like golf... but i wont be writing any letters to the powers that be... Suppose there are bigger things to worry about... but many thanks for dying for my sins... that was cool!

    Robbo mate, i can only apologise for these people, last week thy're calling you a journalist and this week a comedien! Do a mcnulty and wipe thier comments out!

    And Zoots, i brought the rain AND the victory! Where are my shillings!

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  • 19. At 6:16pm on 20 Jul 2009, vanjoh wrote:

    I suspect the two Robbo haters above are actually characters dreamt up by a certain actor and comedian.

    Blimey, next thing they'll be telling us that Alan Partidge isn't real!

    Actually, I have lots of "fancy book learning" and I think Robbo is absolutely brilliant. Loved the bit about his wife's sponge cake, for some reason...

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  • 20. At 6:20pm on 20 Jul 2009, TYMFTR wrote:

    This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.

  • 21. At 6:20pm on 20 Jul 2009, Hipkissisnotabluenose wrote:


    i'm surprised you havent adressed the sale of stewie downing to the mighty villa


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  • 22. At 6:24pm on 20 Jul 2009, GazUtd wrote:

    We all love Robbo's wife's sponge cake Vanjoh if we're honest.

    RedBlueArmy the Beeb spend most of those gigillions on a new slo-mo camera that they spent the entire weekend playing with. Unfortunately they forgot that everyone would rather see golf in HD and didn't have enough money for both.

    Unless the books are released I guess we will never know if Robbo's weekly seven pounds fifty he gets for this column could have got us both. But we may as well blame him anyway.

    Robbo, it's all your fault, always has been, always will be.

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  • 23. At 6:37pm on 20 Jul 2009, backinwhite wrote:


    What you seem to miss is that readers and contributors to Robbo's blog know he is not "real". His blog, however, is real, and so can be used as a basis for regualar debate. We read it with a willing suspension of disbelief, as we would a novel, but this does not stop us discussing its content, nor are our discussions any less valid tahn if Robbo was real. My view is that the humour, whilst a post modernist take on the inverted snobbery of the working class Northener, is enjoyed in the same way as a beloved characer in a long running serial, be it on radio, television, or the written word.
    As always, if you don't like it, jog on!

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  • 24. At 6:52pm on 20 Jul 2009, Robokopthe3rd wrote:

    Robbo. This was quite funny, but you`re better at the old footy blogs. But I always make sure that I read your blogs, very very funny normally. Looking forward to the new footy season. Will you be making any predictions for Prem league and Championship? Where do you think your boro will come? Have you had a holiday this summer? What did you think about Villareal thumping that other team 27-0? How are boro doing in their frendlies? Am I asking too many questions?

    To all those other bloggers out there...

    Of course Robbo a ficitional Eh Up Ecky Thump Northener. But the point is not whether he is a real person or not...he writes funny blogs that are not meant to be taken too seriously (like Owen scoring on his debut against the mighty Malaysia...Thats for you Man Utd fans to complain about us Scousers having a go :) Go for the bait :) )

    Anywway well done England in the cricket. I think they can win the Ashes, and that Freddy will not retire from Tests.

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  • 25. At 6:55pm on 20 Jul 2009, Malt Loaf wrote:

    I don't get it with Flintoff. He gets some tail-end wickets and all of a sudden he's a national hero again. Where was he during the preceding sessions when the breakthrough was needed, with both bat and ball?

    I just don't get it.

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  • 26. At 7:01pm on 20 Jul 2009, Peter wrote:

    As a Stocktonian i try not to venture south of the river too often - matchdays are enough for anybody.
    Anyway to get to the point, on the odd occassions i have headed in that direction i have been in the Blue Bell for a jar or several - i was therefore disturbed to read that the pub is actually a figment of your imagination.
    I am now concerned i am only actually writing this comment in your/my imagination and any visits to any pubs Blue Bell or otherwise are entirely fictitious.

    I would have commented on the Golf and the Cricket but as these probably don't exist either i don't see why i should bother.

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  • 27. At 7:06pm on 20 Jul 2009, Spitfire wrote:

    JesusFChrist! (or was it Brian?)They must think you're Lord God Almighty.

    "Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall do likewise."

    Calls to get real from the One who himself, may or may not have ever existed?

    Oh the irony. The irony.

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  • 28. At 7:17pm on 20 Jul 2009, vanjoh wrote:

    A Doctor speaks: Many Middlesborough supporters are exhibiting symptoms such as Peterb400's, being unable (or unwilling) to distinguish fantasy from reality. It is understood to be a defense mechanism caused by the severe trauma of relegation. There is a profound, irrational fear that the team will continue to fall through all professionally recognised divisions until they are eventually reduced to trotting out at the local recreational ground, watched by one man (Robbo) and his dog (Robbo's dog, Bob). There is only one remedy, sell Adam Johnson to Everton. We could do with someone tricky on the left. 'We' the doctors, that is.

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  • 29. At 9:05pm on 20 Jul 2009, JoeDavisRoach wrote:

    JesusFChrist - I feel your pain and can only assume you user name is borne from the maddening frustration of knowing this fictional clowns salary is being paid by license fees.

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  • 30. At 9:11pm on 20 Jul 2009, Robbo Robson wrote:


    Sadly, if it came to that, it would be me, but it wouldn't be my dog - can't stand the pavement-pooping slobbering little things.


    Foolish man. Best display of English fast bowling for years and you don't get it.

    AS for this fella who doesn't think I'm real. Come to Teesside, look up Blue Bell, pick one and we'll see you for a pint. I could be offended but I've decided to turn the other cheek, like your good self.

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  • 31. At 9:16pm on 20 Jul 2009, DavidLeigh wrote:


    An interestingly subtle choice of photos you have chosen.

    1. The humble demeanour of a true champion.
    2. The arrogant countenance of a lesser sportsman.

    Both, however, are heroes to different schools of thought. That is perhaps what entertainment is all about.

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  • 32. At 9:17pm on 20 Jul 2009, Spitfire wrote:

    Robbo! while He is there downing pints, could He not perform a miracle on the Knee as well?

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  • 33. At 9:18pm on 20 Jul 2009, bluenose in salisbury wrote:

    Jesusfchrist, for God's sake get a life. Your average reader of this blog is fully aware of the possibility of 'Robbo' not quite telling the full truth about his disposition. I'm sure he supports Boro and has a pint in a pub when he feels the wife needs a bit of space, so give the bloke a break.
    As soon as I read the term 'licence payers money' I have a vision of a bloke who never quite fulfilled his potential in the employment stakes and so has a pop at someone who did.

    Keep it up Robbo.

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  • 34. At 9:18pm on 20 Jul 2009, Robbo Robson wrote:


    I'd like to be able to ease the pain but you know, son, the only thing I can suggest is to stop reading. I mean if you've got a headache you don't keep bashing it against a wall. Eh?

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  • 35. At 9:23pm on 20 Jul 2009, vancouveral wrote:

    Hi Robbo, with regard to the Americans and their God. They are great people and have some wonderful qualities but they are ridiculous when it comes to "God". When hitting home runs or scoring touch downs they point to the sky or kneel down for a little prayer. They believe that "God" was at their shoulder helping them along, he was so busy doing this that he couldn`t help the starving millions in Ethiopia or the genocide victims in Rwanda. It is hard to comprehend how a country that is so far advanced in so many ways that they are in the 19th century when it comes to religion.

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  • 36. At 9:27pm on 20 Jul 2009, GazUtd wrote:

    #34 Robbo - Surely by this logic you should have stopped supporting the Boro a loooooong time ago?

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  • 37. At 10:47pm on 20 Jul 2009, RandomNiceGuy wrote:

    First time poster, long time reader.

    I may not always find Robbo's (the person or the persona) blogs funny, and I may not agree with the views contained in them. But I don't expect to be amused or entertained by a blog; I read a blog to view someone else's opinion(s). And that's my opinion on a blog.
    You wish to be entertained by the BBC? Go and watch Eastender's or something. Want to read someone's opinion on the latest sport's stories as they see it (that's what it says at the top of the page)? Then read and stop complaining (unless you have an opinion on the topic and not the blogger). Whatever the BBC pays Robbo, they pay someone people far more who contribute far less to the world. Go complain about them.

    But back on topic; let's hope the Ashes can continue to be this exciting by the final test, and Flintoff can be the talisman he's been until the very end.

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  • 38. At 11:24pm on 20 Jul 2009, captainmatt_williams wrote:

    Maybe by the logic of Tom Watson's age defying performance we should get Beefy Botham to replace Freddie. At least it would save us the interminable banter with Athers and co.

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  • 39. At 03:33am on 21 Jul 2009, CarefreeCoors wrote:

    After completely skipping the golf tripe, even as an Aussie I enjoyed the cricket part. "Aussies displayed dodgier pulling techniques than a tipsy Teessider in a tawdry nite-spot", laugh out loud funny.

    And I'm glad you were man enough to admit that the Gods were smiling on England throughout the entire test. Those Umpires need to take a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror. Regardless, Australia were average at best and Flintoff was, well, his usual brilliant self. Out of all the dislikable blokes in the English line-up these days (KP, Strauss please stand up), I can't help but reserve absolute admire for Big Freddy.

    I predicted 2-1 to the Aussies at the start and I'll stick with that. But an England victory would surely be the perfect send off for a great man.

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  • 40. At 08:22am on 21 Jul 2009, Whiteoutloud wrote:

    Hey Robbo, I was wondering. Is the Blue Bell an Internet Pub aswell and this is the reason why you always seem to write your blog from there?
    It would be a great excuse for the missus.

    Hey up love I'm just off to work.
    "What about your lunch love?"
    It's OK honey I'll pick up a growler from behind the bar!

    Work never seemed so inviting. You lucky S#D.

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  • 41. At 08:49am on 21 Jul 2009, richballen wrote:

    #37 Zantetsuken - "You wish to be entertained by the BBC? Go and watch Eastender's or something."

    You've clearly never seen an episode of Eastenders. If people want to moan about 'waste of licence payers money' they should take issue with about 90% of the programming, instead of a blog written mainly by the public for free!

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  • 42. At 09:18am on 21 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    41 and others... As for the BBC wasting our licence fee, anyone one with small children will agree that the worst offender is "In The Night Garden" I have a three year old daughter obsessed with it, and it is the creepiest thing i have ever seen!

    JFC (#12) Any advice for how i can complain about this show? Any techniques for moaning like an old woman you can pass on which you have found particularly annoying and useful in the past?

    I know he's only a fictional character, and it will break thousands of hearts... But Iggle Piggle must die!

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  • 43. At 09:58am on 21 Jul 2009, Eddy Cordoza wrote:

    31. DavidLeigh:

    Just because Flintoff raised his arms in the air and closed his eyes while chewing gum doesn't make him arrogant. It was a massive moment, finally achieved during the twilight of his career, against England's biggest rivals at the home of cricket - why shouldn't he enjoy it? But listen to him speak and he always deflects praise on to his team-mates. That's not an arrogant man. And to describe him as a 'lesser sportsman' to a 'true champion' (Watson) makes me suspect you'd enjoy a good Disney film.

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  • 44. At 10:49am on 21 Jul 2009, Robbo Robson wrote:

    You're right, son. Watched that In the Night Garden with me grandson - who loves it! Makes Teletubbies look like University Challenge. Admittedly I make less sense than Iggle Flaming Piggle sometimes but I'd gladly walk through that spooky set of primary colours with a crossbow and a mission to destroy.

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  • 45. At 10:52am on 21 Jul 2009, LtUoTwOnN wrote:

    Top blog again Robbo.

    Some people around here seem to be so one-dimensional in their thinking and have little respect for anybody else's opinions. I blame football. The loudest whingers posting are the footy fans who seem to display the same lack of respect as there idols. I love most sports, including footy, but I also have respect which seems to be sorely lacking these days.

    A word of comfort to #42. My daughter was obsessed with In The Night Garden and now she doesn't bother with it - 6 months later. It is a pile of pants but I kind of liked Iggle Piggle. Bit harsh on the poor lad to call for his head. Try and get your daughter into Tikkabila. Much more fun. Rather like the Playschool of old.

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  • 46. At 11:19am on 21 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    When my lad was of the age, I didn't bother with the new-fangled kiddie programmes. I used black and white videos of my favourites: Andy Pandy, Woodentops, Real Madrid v Eintracht, Psycho...

    Dunno how much he enjoyed them, but I had a great time.

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  • 47. At 11:21am on 21 Jul 2009, etienne123 wrote:


    SMS? Wtf? Don't you mean a text.

    Bet you say lunch as well.

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  • 48. At 11:21am on 21 Jul 2009, hodgy926 wrote:

    This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.

  • 49. At 11:36am on 21 Jul 2009, legrandblue66 wrote:

    Ahaha! 'ow I laugh at you Eengleesh, 'aving to pay your licence fee while us French can read Robbo's blog for free. Revenge for Azincourt at last.

    By ze way oo eez Freddie Fleentoff?

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  • 50. At 11:42am on 21 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    44,45 and 46...

    I am glad i am not the only one that has these feelings about In The Night Garden... The Mrs and the little one go mad at me if i change the channel as well... I think it may be brain washing them?

    Zoots, if you ever open a nursery, my kids are going... thats the sort of education the youngen's need! Surely DiStefano is a better role model than the Tombliboos???

    And LtUoTwOnN, i think the three year olds almost done with this acid inspired nightmare, but trouble is i got a 6 monther following close behind... As for Tikkabilla thats the s***!

    Although i will confess the first time i heard about Mr Tumble, i thought whats Ronaldo doing on cbeebies!

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  • 51. At 12:05pm on 21 Jul 2009, Peter wrote:

    There is only one remedy, sell Adam Johnson to Everton. We could do with someone tricky on the left. 'We' the doctors, that is.
    Vanjoh - you can have him ,he certainly is tricky his greatest trick has been convincing people he is a left winger (his ability with crosses is worse than dracula)
    He can beat a man and earn free kicks but as he has no crossing ability whatsoever he is only likely to succeed if he plays inside and runs at people rather than going outside and giving the ball away.

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  • 52. At 12:06pm on 21 Jul 2009, WhitleyBayWonTheVase wrote:

    Unusually lenient on the failing English golfers there Robbo.

    Westwood blew it, yet again. A man who could so easily capture a major if only he didn't show less bottle than a Tetrapak production line. As for Fisher, well he probably delivered the worst start to a final day that was humanly possible for him.

    I'm surprise there for no mention of Chris Wood. Seeing him stood on the range pacing with hopeful expectancy - not a chance mate, not a chance.

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  • 53. At 12:11pm on 21 Jul 2009, WhitleyBayWonTheVase wrote:

    #48 - David Berkowitz was a complete psychopath and it's not really that funny to made comical reference to a man who murdered six people in cold blood.

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  • 54. At 12:15pm on 21 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    53: in fairness, Seinfeld done it quite well? But i watched the Spike Lee movie... definately no reason to laugh there!

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  • 55. At 12:21pm on 21 Jul 2009, youngblueblood wrote:

    what's popping redblue?...looks like Robbo has done a "juve" and bribed
    his way out of his cave. been away for sometime and i'm kinda grateful
    for that cos i wudavbeen been sick to face all these crickey shit. you've been around i can see, but can't really fathom the kinda fun u grab in this bore fest of a sport.what's your take on Owen..i have always have a soft spot 4 that bloke and i secretly wish he'll do well.. what happened to simpletruth..there lots of footy topics Robbo..bring on the footy!!!!!!!!!

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  • 56. At 12:33pm on 21 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    The best thing about "In the night garden" is that girl who, when all the boys are sad, lifts her dress and makes all the boys happy again. See...who said childrens tv wasn't factual?

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  • 57. At 12:40pm on 21 Jul 2009, MrNeutron wrote:

    Iggle Piggle's a braindead freak, Upsy Daisy's a tramp, Makka Pakka's OCD, and the Tombliboos are scarily co-dependent, but it could be worse. My young'un only started to lose interest in it when he came across some naff piece of animated sh*te about talking trains called Chuggington. Compared to that and Mister Bl**dy Tumble, ITNG's high art.

    Beware, parents.

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  • 58. At 12:47pm on 21 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    ref 56 There shall be no banter here!

    Blimey. We never had any of that in "Andy Pandy". "Looby Loo Does Tricks" took us to the edge, though all she did was suck on her lollipop.

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  • 59. At 1:04pm on 21 Jul 2009, EmergingFromGorse wrote:

    BFG = Big Friendly Giant? Surely that should be Big Fat Gut.

    Flintoff is a disrespectful p!sshead. If he was a footballer he'd get hounded by the media for being a drunken waster, but as he's a cricketer it's all fine and dandy.

    Two of his wickets weren't even legit anyway.

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  • 60. At 1:09pm on 21 Jul 2009, megj181 wrote:

    Oh Dear Robbo! I gave up half way through. It seems like you are using your blogs nowadays to squeeze in as many puns as possible, which really aren't funny or clever. If you had any pride, you would stick to what you're good at. And if the BBC had any sense, they would get rid. I like reading the BBC blogs to get an insiders view on the goings on in the world of sport, and you make it sound like you can't be bothered to do it properly.

    On the subject of the sport. I was rooting for Cink. All were hailing Watson as the greatest sportsman, and if he won, wouldn't it be the most fantastic achievement in the history of sport? Well, quite frankly, No. It would have been great don't get me wrong. But I think everyone got a little carried away. CInk played awesomely and consistently for the whole tournament, something Watson failed in the last half hour, and thoroughly deserved the trophy. As for the Cricket, I don't know what you said, cos I stopped reading, but what a great job England! Well done lads!

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  • 61. At 1:14pm on 21 Jul 2009, roost-dad wrote:

    Robbo, i'm a long time reader, first time poster, don't always agree with you or find you funny, but this blog is a little gem!!!

    Freddie to guide us to an ashes win and then hang u his test boots will do fine for me, sorry to see him go, but doing it in style at least!

    And my 3 year old twin girls loved In The Night Garden, grew out of it (even if it did feel like an eternity), and are now in to old school Scooby-do....every cloud and all that!!

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  • 62. At 1:31pm on 21 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    Ref 49 Kegrandblue66

    If you're freeloading on the beeb in revenge for Agincourt, don't tune into the Archers by mistake.

    As for "Freddie Fleentoff", posting 59 will provide one analytical perspective, although it may lose something in the translation.

    Your English is very good for someone from Pekham.

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  • 63. At 1:52pm on 21 Jul 2009, dyrewolfe wrote:

    Great blog, as usual Robbo.

    "the Aussies displayed dodgier pulling techniques than a tipsy Teessider in a tawdry nite-spot".

    Absolutely hilarious!

    Have to admit to having no interest in golf whatsoever, but I did love the way England built up the Aussies' hopes by letting them bat through to the final day...only to cruelly crush them before lunch...

    Seriously though, despite copping a couple of lucky decisions from the umpires, it was nice to see our lads generally outplay our Antipodean adversaries over the 5 days and we were still worthy winners.

    As for Freddie, he should be given a bionic knee transplant and reserved solely for Test matches, with all the beer he can handle, to compensate for missing out on one-dayers, T20 and the IPL.

    EmergingFromGorse = bitter Aussie?

    Cheer up son, your lads have another 3 matches to get revenge.

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  • 64. At 1:52pm on 21 Jul 2009, EmergingFromGorse wrote:

    # 62 - Peckham contains a 'c', you -o-k (which contains two more).

    As for # 37's comment..."You wish to be entertained by the BBC? Go and watch Eastender's or something"....two words that can never under any circumstances be used together are entertainment & eastenders. Actually you can save a lot of time in life when you first meet people by asking whether they watch eastenders. If they say yes then you don't have to bother wasting any of your time on them.

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  • 65. At 1:58pm on 21 Jul 2009, EmergingFromGorse wrote:

    # 63....bitter Aussie?! No mate, born and bred just the 12,000 miles from Australia here in the UK, with absolutely no Oz connections!

    But, let's face facts, Fat Freddie gets lauded for being a drunk who occasionally performs to a decent level, whilst any footy players who touch a drop are pilloried endlessly. The lack of respect he displayed when the cricket lads visited the war graves in Ypres was shameful.

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  • 66. At 1:58pm on 21 Jul 2009, Leviticus wrote:

    " Cink's another of these American golfers who puts a lot of his success down to God ". So? And why not? And what do you put the minor celebrity of your medicrity down to?

    You might be a ' smart assed ' Godless Philistine Robbo but not everbody is. But for the sake of accuracy, Stewart Cink didn't put his win down to God, he just acknowledged God in his life and gave thanks that his wife led him to a relationship with God which gives meaning and purpose to his life.

    A meaning and purpose that goes a good deal beyond the scribbling of a second rate blog, largely consisting of the vacuous cynical sneering and self indulgent smirk in the context of your gold fish bowl life that apparently has little other meaning outside of sport and football in particular.

    Stewart Cink may not have been the peoples champion or favourite but as a man of character he is probaly more than you will probably ever amount to.

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  • 67. At 2:00pm on 21 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    Ref 64

    Thanks. Made a mistake with "legrandblue66" as well.

    Don't have time to go through all of yours.

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  • 68. At 2:08pm on 21 Jul 2009, dyrewolfe wrote:


    Look out! Another humourless bible-thumper at #66.

    Whats so wrong with being a godless Philistine? We are entitled to not believe in the existence of the entity you worship.

    All Robbo said was that people who put their sucess down to their faith make him uncomfortable. Whats is so wrong with that? For the record, I share his opinion.

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  • 69. At 2:18pm on 21 Jul 2009, Ranger034 wrote:

    I was at the cricket on Sunday and it's always a pleasure seeing Freddie run in and terrorise the aussie top 5. In his pomp there isn't a better fast bowler, unfortunately injuries have cost him the chance to be called a great test bowler. In my mind, he is one of the greats in Ashes history, and as a top cricketer that title surely must be priceless.

    During Tea, one aussie said to me 'What's the chances of Shane warne being asked to don his green cap again?' and then 'Might have a punt that warney will be the leading aussie wicket taker by the end of the series'. I loved the fact that an aussie so early in a series was grasping for a straws, they are sensing this series could go belly up for them soon. The first couple of sessions at Edgebaston are crucial for the aussies, ponting looks in danger of letting the crowd's and decisions by umpires seriously affect him. Once again a compelling series of cricket, for all those T20 lovers who want this form of the game out, you guys are clueless!

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  • 70. At 2:30pm on 21 Jul 2009, used2beprofi wrote:

    despite the first post from redarmyblue92 or whatever some of us do enjoy your musings on all other sport and that includes, of course, golf...

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  • 71. At 2:45pm on 21 Jul 2009, Leviticus wrote:

    dyrewolfe wrote:

    Look out! Another humourless bible-thumper at #66.

    Look out! We don't do God in the world of sport do we? Unless of course you want to take a cheap shot at someone who does. Tee Hee. That's alright. And I thought the Neanderthals had died out. Nope, still evolving.

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  • 72. At 3:23pm on 21 Jul 2009, Malt Loaf wrote:


    Not being funny but religion doesn't belong in sport. It belongs in a church, on a Sunday, which is where Cink should have been instead of playing in a major championship...

    Anybody remember when Jonathon Edwards refused to compete in a major championships because the triple-jump final was on a Sunday, saying to compete would compromise his religious beliefs? Didn't take him long to change his tune when he realised the triple-jump final was ALWAYS on a Sunday.

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  • 73. At 3:29pm on 21 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    Sorry used2rofibep, i do not like golf... and i guess i have lost my status of Robbbo's biggest fan, god darn it! (sorry 66/71)... I don't follow it, so the puns and jokes are lost on me... I have summised some old guy almost won, but he didn't and then the guy that did win thanked the big fella (God that is, not Freddy Flintoff, though carry on as he has the 2 will be hard to tell apart).

    And youngblueblood... Nah much, watagwarn wit you homes? I think SimpleTruth09 has been wiped out, my theory is someone "crossed the streams" a la Ghostbusters? But lets not temp fate...

    I'm sure there will be plenty of footy blogs coming up though??? As for Owen, the simlpe truth is I just don't know???? Until it all kicks off in August none of us do... But i think it will say alot about how long Fergie has left, depending if he flops or flys...

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  • 74. At 09:06am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    "Look out! We don't do God in the world of sport do we? Unless of course you want to take a cheap shot at someone who does. Tee Hee. That's alright. And I thought the Neanderthals had died out. Nope, still evolving."

    Please tell me you see the irony of a god lover saying that the Neanderthals are still evolving. Please.

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  • 75. At 09:17am on 22 Jul 2009, lufcforever1986 wrote:

    Thats what I love about these blogs, it can go from light hearted banter about cricket to a deep philosophical debate as to the merit of religion in sport (surely if God loves us all equally, he just watches as a neutral for the love of the competition doesnt he/she/it?).

    If Freddy really was getting away with being a "p!sshead" then surely we the public wouldnt know about it?

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  • 76. At 09:29am on 22 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    Bloody 'ell. We'll need Clarence Darrow on the job to sort out this lot.

    I thought the Neanderthals were a sub-species who became extinct, so they couldn't evolve into anything.

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  • 77. At 09:59am on 22 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    Ah man, in the merits of good taste i didn't make a creationism joke, and now i see two people have made them! Grrrrr!

    Next time an oportunity arises to mock someones beliefs, i'm going for it, no holding back!

    And 75... Was this ever about cricket, i thought it was a debate about how In the Night Garden is a massive waste of our licence fee? I've been wrong before though...

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  • 78. At 10:11am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    Never waste time when an opportunity arises to mock someone elses belief system...

    I had completely forgotten about the cricket talk in this blog, and feel it's probably rude not to say something about it. Flintoff is over-rated because he plays well against Australia, so the Australian's talk him up. They did the same with VVS Laxman who is about as useful with the bat as iggle-piggle himself.

    Speaking of, where would iggle-piggle fit into the evolution debate? Or was god manically bombing LSD when he decided to create him?

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  • 79. At 10:17am on 22 Jul 2009, lufcforever1986 wrote:

    77, it was.... once..... long ago.

    Fortunately I've not had to sit through In The Night Garden, though I refuse to believe its the worst thing on the beeb. I really could have done without that muppet Whiley telling me every band is the next big thing on the Glasto highlights for a start.

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  • 80. At 10:40am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    Barring Kelvin Mackenzie and John Gaunt, whiney Jo Whiley is the worst person in the media, be it TV or Radio, she always gives me an overwhelming urge to saw my own ears off with 'Steptacular' by Steps.

    Shut up Whiley. Now Annie Mac on the other hand...

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  • 81. At 10:45am on 22 Jul 2009, lufcforever1986 wrote:

    Couldnt have put it better. Though I must confess my hatred for her is mostly born out of my hatred of all things radio 1 (there is a point when you should stop trusting new music!), that said she is the worst culprit.

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  • 82. At 10:52am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    Listening to SAGA down Elland Road?

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  • 83. At 10:59am on 22 Jul 2009, lufcforever1986 wrote:

    Nah I'm just sick of the thousands of soundalike indie bands and dance music that Radio 1 peddles so freely.

    Just because its new neither makes it good or progressive.

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  • 84. At 11:03am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    Admittedly radio 1 is poor, some of the dance they have on later at night is sound, and Zane Lowe is generally pretty good. Other than that...

    You can't write all new music off though, have you seen the Saturdays?!

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  • 85. At 11:06am on 22 Jul 2009, lufcforever1986 wrote:

    Yes I have, very nice, I could watch them all day, could I listen to them all day? No

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  • 86. At 11:08am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    I genuinely can't recall any of their songs. No bad thing.

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  • 87. At 11:14am on 22 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    In alomost all cases if its new it means it is neither good or progressive... Radio 1 is the devil... Thats what royalalbertdock told me any how? As for Jo Whiley, couldn't agree more my god she is a pretentious fart of a woman...

    As for Iggle Piggles evolution i believe it is a simailar thing that led to Steve Bruce being created... Mother Nature just gets it wrong sometimes!

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  • 88. At 11:22am on 22 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    Re: Zane Lowe being pretty good...

    I walked passed him in Camden about 3 years ago as i looked up at him, he stared back at me and said "yeah... it's me" and nodded his head like he was the flipping Fonz or something... Easily one of the tw*tiest things i have ever seen...

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  • 89. At 11:22am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    Who is this Mother Nature? Is she Mrs God...because she seems to be meddling in his business quite a lot. And if god created everything, why was Iggle Piggle not in the bible?

    "And then, Noah ushered Upsy-Daisy and Iggle Piggle onto the ark..."

    In fairness to royalalbertdock, if ever there was a solid case against evolution, it would be potato-head Bruce.

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  • 90. At 11:25am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    Hahaha fair play to him, i'd be a massive **** too if i got paid to just play my ipod on the radio.

    Whether he meant it as banter or not, either way he plays some decent tunes.

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  • 91. At 11:27am on 22 Jul 2009, lufcforever1986 wrote:

    And here we are back on Religion, Robbo's blog, its not just an entertainment, its an education.

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  • 92. At 11:32am on 22 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    Didn't Iggle Piggle evolve as the result of an intimate liaison between Jolean Lescott and a smurfette?

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  • 93. At 11:36am on 22 Jul 2009, Spitfire wrote:

    Robbo, like another great man I think highly of, Jeremy Clarkson, have this gift to surprise you just when you think, "surely they have already offended all those who could take offence."

    Last week, followers of Benitez. This week, God.

    I fear it is all going downhill after this.

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  • 94. At 11:55am on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    "Didn't Iggle Piggle evolve as the result of an intimate liaison between Jolean Lescott and a smurfette?"

    Ah god imagine Lescott and Bruce's offspring. Sweet Jesus, Mary, and royalalbertdock that'd be bad.

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  • 95. At 11:57am on 22 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    Zoots that is a very plausible theory... the more i think about it the more i see it... Briliant! They even have the same hair cut (nearly?)

    93: He is lucky this week as God's followers aren't as touchy as Rafa's... Nor is thier faith given as blindly!

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  • 96. At 12:03pm on 22 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    In answer to 94...

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  • 97. At 12:14pm on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    hahaha he has a slight air of "Eartquake" of "Natural Disasters" fame in the old WWF!

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  • 98. At 12:26pm on 22 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    I saw Earthquake and Typhoon at the Princess Hall in Aldershot, it was quite a while after they left the WWF, and as the location tells you, there career's were on the down-turn... Their comes a point where being a professional fat-man is just very, very sad indeed...

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  • 99. At 12:34pm on 22 Jul 2009, Why don't we just sign that Lionel Messi? He's supposed to be alright... wrote:

    I once saw 'Rowdy Roddy Piper' in a pub in Birmingham when they were doing some show over here a couple of years back. Needless to say hordes of men my age were holding pints aloft going "HHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO" i don't know whether he appreciated, but he should have.

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  • 100. At 3:43pm on 22 Jul 2009, GazUtd wrote:

    i don't know whether he appreciated, but he should have.


    In the words of the greatest man ever to exist...

    "I believe that famous people have a debt to everyone. If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

    In closing, you people must realize that the public owns you for life!"

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  • 101. At 4:15pm on 22 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    I don't remember saying that.

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  • 102. At 4:17pm on 22 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    Bet you still claimed a shilling for it though, Ay Zoots!

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  • 103. At 4:30pm on 22 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    Too right, mate. Deification doesn't amount to much without a few bob behind you.

    I see that KP is out for the rest of the Ashes. That's a BIG loss, to my mind. He hadn't per4formed, so far, and the way these guys operate, he was due a good showing just when it might have mattered. And, with FF still fragile...

    Anyway, we'll see. Bell is being touted as a possible replacement. Hmmm...

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  • 104. At 4:54pm on 22 Jul 2009, RedBlueArmy92 wrote:

    KP out?... that's not good at all. Especially with Brett Lee coming back (unless he is still injured, anyone have good news for me?)

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  • 105. At 5:13pm on 22 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    The Brett Lee situation is fifty fifty, at best. If he turns out on Friday, against Northampton, and gets through that match, he'll be in for next week's Ashes match. If he doesn't turn out on Friday, he won't play at Edgbaston

    At least, that's the current Aussie line.

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  • 106. At 8:28pm on 22 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    Ref 100 Gaz Utd

    OK - time to come clean: it wasn't me who said it. And how much better a world it would be if every ref was a Homer.

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  • 107. At 8:35pm on 22 Jul 2009, GazUtd wrote:

    You tried your best and you failed. The lesson is, never try.

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  • 108. At 9:05pm on 22 Jul 2009, Zootmac wrote:

    I'll try to remember that.

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