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England go nuts with KP

Robbo Robson | 15:03 UK time, Tuesday, 5 August 2008

First of all, well done Vaughany. Shows what a bright bloke he is that he ducked out before the selectors had to fire him.

Interestingly, national selector Geoff Miller had no intention of sacking the skipper and was sure he had a big score around the corner. There must be a lot of bloody corners at HQ is all I can say. English Test players seem to have that luxury all too often. Colly's hundred was magnificent but he shouldn't have been playing - the same with Strauss last year. The selectors have spent so long with their fingers crossed, there must be a severe threat of digital arthritis.

Me, I'm not glad to see the back of Vaughan, not least cos that's where the straggly bits of his heinous mullet gather. That hairstyle alone is proof positive that his judgement had become clouded. It has been clear that Vaughan was the best skipper around, not least during his absence in Australia, but his batting has been pretty rank for a while. The gap between his bat and pad has been marginally smaller than the gap between reality and fiction in the brain of the average Newcastle United fan.

So Vaughan goes and his replacement is... Super Kev, a man who gets up more noses than a prop forward's finger; a man whose ego is so large, the rest of him has to live in an annexe; a man who has always felt like he was drafted into English cricket from Billy Smart's Circus (Inter Galactic Tour).

Now I love KP, if only cos he doesn't fit in. His ridiculous switch-hitting has had the MCC duffers slipping off their deckchairs and slopping Pimms down their ties. His glory-hunting's had the old boys of England's past demanding the bloke sit in stocks on the square at Edgbaston while Geoffrey Boycott takes him through some seriously long anecdotes.

But then he defies the stereotypes. The 2005 last day hundred, when he saved a game by hoicking the fastest bowler in the world into the crowd time and time again, was summat no other batsman could've done, even if the residents in the Blue Bell watched the whole thing through their fingers.

Trouble is, how does someone like that, a showman, a big-head, a me-first-you-lot-later kind of sportsman, get a whole team to play for him?

People'll tell you - well Kev'll tell you - that he has a good cricketing brain. Maybe it's time he took it out of the drawer and replaced the one that currently fills up the gap between his ears.

kp_get.jpg

Kev'll also tell you that he'll be instinctive cos that's what got him where he is today. Fair enough but skippers tend to have to think a bit before they get on the park. Flintoff is instinctive too and he couldn't captain a pedalo, let alone HMS England.

My biggest worry with KP - and Moores the Merrier - is that they're so desperately keen to tell you how POSITIVE they are. I'm fed up of Peter Moores grinning away like a blinking twerp every time England come up short. It's like some monstrous, skinny grey reincarnation of Steve McClaren. There's nowt to be positive about when your batters look like they couldn't pull an inebriate spinster at a swingers' party let alone a short ball from Gunter. There's nowt to be positive about when your frontline pacemen wouldn't get an invite to the same party cos they've forgotten how to swing.

I'm not asking them to turn into Frazer from Dad's Army but reality always seems to be a distant concept to these blokes.

I'd like to see the selectors seize the opportunity to draft in a couple of promising players along with Bopara. Rashid for Panesar, maybe? Shreck for Anderson? Denly for Strauss? There's nowt to lose, is there?

Still, who the hell else was there? Strauss? In his current frame of mind, he makes the average Italian football coach look like Evil Knievel. Key? Maybe but you could be back to square one where a bloke's not getting enough runs but he's got a brain. Freddie? Erm, let's just let the bloke get on with it, shall we? Cook? Yes, but he's a little wet behind the ears.

So here we are: the only choice is the wrong one. It's clear that Pietersen is going to fall short when it comes to man management. I mean if KP can be England's captain then what next?

Gordon Ramsey presenting CBeebies ("now kids, it's time for that *!#?ing waste of space Bob the *#!?ing Builder")? Mike Gatting as fitness coach ("One more pasty each, gentlemen, then it's last one to the ice-cream van pays")? Dale Winton as the caped crusader in Batman 7 -Time to Redecorate the Bat-Cave ("Ooo-er! Now I can see why they call you the Boy Wonder!")?

Amy Winehouse as Ambassador to Bolivia? Jade Goody as Poet Laureate? Boris Johnson as London Mayor?

But at the end of the day, you've got to welcome it, haven't you? It's not going to be business as usual with this bloke in charge. At the press conference Geoff Miller looked like the dormouse in the teapot to KP's Mad Hatter, and it is a surprise that someone quite so timid-looking has made quite such a bold choice. Pietersen could be bloody hopeless but he could be unbelievably inspired too. You just don't know. He doesn't know!

So at least it's going to be interesting... As he kept saying himself "Tarm will tell". The word's 'time' Kev, but yes, time will tell. I give him a year, but it'll be a fun one.

Comments

  • 1. At 4:37pm on 05 Aug 2008, coopandy wrote:

    well said robbo as usual you've hit the nail on the head especially regarding geoff millers comments that a big score was just around the corner for mv, it shows that the england team is pretty much a closed shop and once your in your untouchable.this is proved with the selection of the next test squad the only change being bopara for mv.
    if there not going to try things in a meaningless test while kp is enjoying a honeymoon period i guess they never will.

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  • 2. At 4:44pm on 05 Aug 2008, BuzzInDaHood wrote:

    Don't forget Miller's last "bold choice" was Pattinson. QED.

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  • 3. At 5:37pm on 05 Aug 2008, Bucket Hat Matt wrote:

    As you rightly said Robbo, "There's nowt to lose...".

    England need their confidence back and KP has that in abundance so I guess there's some sense but the decision also means the selectors can carry on with situation normal.

    I have to support my Kent supporting Dad's view that Rob Key is really the man for the job but that would mean the start of a series of real changes in the England Squad and I don't think Geoff Miller has the stomach for a real shift in strategy.

    Regardless, decision has been made so the only thing to be said now is; "C'mon KP, make us all proud".

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  • 4. At 5:42pm on 05 Aug 2008, coopandy wrote:

    fair point but i do think theres a difference between county players who have performed for years and shown their class, deserving a chance and the pattinson selection.however that said did he really perform any worse then any of the other bowlers?

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  • 5. At 9:02pm on 05 Aug 2008, levdavidovich wrote:

    Kevin Pietersen has the mental fortitude of Geoffrey Boycott, the charisma of Imran Khan and the inspirational skills of Mike Brierley. He is a star, born to succeed, yet retaining his down-to-earth, humble outlook. The ego means nothing to Kevin; his only desire is to be a part of a greater whole: The team.

    He shuns the limelight, preferring to spend quiet quality time in the company of his equally-shy wife, a woman whose identity is not known to the public at large because she has no compunction to be in the public gaze.

    Throughout his career, Kevin has focussed on working hard for the team, and never complaining. His ex-colleagues in South Africa and at Nottingham speak very highly of him as a valuable, productive professional and a nice guy, easy to get along with, and devoid of any arrogant tendencies.

    When in South Africa, despite vociferous appeals for him to stay, Kevin gladly stood aside to allow a non-white player to take his place, so committed was Kevin to help to redress the decades of racial imbalance in his country. At Nottinghamshire, despite an extremely lucrative offer from that rich county, Kevin desired to go to a smaller county, Hampshire, and help to develop both the club and the young players there. High salaries mean nothing to him, it is the will to share his talent that drives Kevin.

    All of us must marvel at a truly fine example of graciousness, humility, and, above all, an imbued sense of giving to his fellow man.

    Hail Kevin!
    Hail Kevin!
    Hail Kevin!

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  • 6. At 9:31pm on 05 Aug 2008, beermatch wrote:

    Talk about nails on the head Robbo ( as often - rather than usual) more or less created a coffin with this one.
    Will anyone up there - in the Pimms arena listen to him.
    KP has shown no signs of team harmonisation yet and while MV's hairstyle is indeed similar to my wife's who is undergoing chemotherapy I am not convinced of his captaincy nouse. His field placing is awful although his bowling changes better. But compared with KP ( whose hairstyle will be similar to my wife's after a couple more treatments he is a master. Herein lies our problem. No choice ! Compare KP with the top captains elsewhere - even Daniel in NZ and I think it will be doomed.
    By the way Robbo why dont you blog re politics - GB will understand straight away even if he may not appreciate you



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  • 7. At 02:51am on 06 Aug 2008, DennyCraneWHU wrote:

    "...the gap between reality and fiction in the brain of the average Newcastle United fan"
    -- go for it, lol!

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  • 8. At 09:32am on 06 Aug 2008, Kapnag wrote:

    Robbo, stick to football.

    International Cricket selection is not your game

    "Drop him, drop him oh and drop him as well"

    Blogs like this stir trouble and unrest in the camp, and they're almost always written by people with absolutely no insight into it, or any experience of the game

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  • 9. At 12:37pm on 06 Aug 2008, ChelseaSaffer wrote:

    5. At 9:02pm on 05 Aug 2008, levdavidovich wrote:

    When in South Africa, despite vociferous appeals for him to stay, Kevin gladly stood aside to allow a non-white player to take his place, so committed was Kevin to help to redress the decades of racial imbalance in his country
    -------------------------------------------
    levdavidovich, what are u smoking man, you best let me have some! Pietersen is a backstabber, he would of made the SA team if he stuck around longer. Jacques Rudolf, Boeta Dippenaar,Neil Mckenzie all had there chances to make it in the SA team, with only the latter really succeeding. AB de Villiers is younger than he is and he made it. Bottom line is this, Pietersen just uses this racial thing as an excuse to make people sympathise with him. All the guys i've mentioned above are all white cricketers, SA is still picking players of all colours and the majority of them coming through from the provincial teams are white. KP, is not a victim! He's a traitor! All of the best to him.

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  • 10. At 12:54pm on 06 Aug 2008, ChelseaSaffer wrote:

    By the way, nice article robbo, funny as usual, especially the bit about newcastle fans!

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  • 11. At 1:23pm on 06 Aug 2008, ChelseaSaffer wrote:

    Why doesn't KP bat at 3 and Bell at 4?

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  • 12. At 1:48pm on 06 Aug 2008, ChelseaSaffer wrote:

    is there nobody out there?

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  • 13. At 2:11pm on 06 Aug 2008, ChelseaSaffer wrote:

    anyway, i'm gone!

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  • 14. At 3:24pm on 06 Aug 2008, chuck69norris - was pwnt. by BASSONG! wrote:

    I would like to know what gives a BBC employee the right to insult any of its readers? Joke or not I do not appreciate your choice. After all, do we not pay your wages?

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  • 15. At 3:48pm on 06 Aug 2008, FreddyOfGreggs wrote:

    How exactly is this funny? Do you get paid to write this? But I guess this is the London Broadcasting Corporation for you, insulting mass swaithes of the country for the amusement of southeners.

    Presumably, "Robbo", you are another Londoner. Please give up. Thanks.

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  • 16. At 5:00pm on 06 Aug 2008, taeryn wrote:

    Great article Robbo... made me chuckle out loud a few times.

    Pietersen as captain was I suppose the best choice available, but that says quite a bit about english cricket. I wish him well, and would love to see him excel in the role, but I'm afraid we're going to see just why Vaughan was kept around so long.

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  • 17. At 5:00pm on 06 Aug 2008, LittleBob wrote:

    Congratulations Robbo, I've just been on 606 and you seem to have peed off the entire Toon Army, all three of them. Well done mate!!!

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  • 18. At 6:59pm on 06 Aug 2008, TalkingCricketSense wrote:

    When in South Africa, despite vociferous appeals for him to stay, Kevin gladly stood aside to allow a non-white player to take his place, so committed was Kevin to help to redress the decades of racial imbalance in his country
    -------------------------------------------
    levdavidovich, what are u smoking man, you best let me have some! Pietersen is a backstabber, he would of made the SA team if he stuck around longer. Jacques Rudolf, Boeta Dippenaar,Neil Mckenzie all had there chances to make it in the SA team, with only the latter really succeeding. AB de Villiers is younger than he is and he made it. Bottom line is this, Pietersen just uses this racial thing as an excuse to make people sympathise with him. All the guys i've mentioned above are all white cricketers, SA is still picking players of all colours and the majority of them coming through from the provincial teams are white. KP, is not a victim! He's a traitor! All of the best to him.
    --------------------------------------------

    Difficult to tell for certain ChelseaSaffer but I think it might just be irony.

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  • 19. At 8:07pm on 06 Aug 2008, Things were better under Harold Wilson wrote:

    I'm all for shaking up the England team, but dropping Jimmy Anderson?

    That's ridiculous.

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  • 20. At 00:11am on 07 Aug 2008, gr8ron wrote:

    Robbo you rock!!. Still think that isa guha should have played in sidebottoms place instead of harmison though.

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  • 21. At 00:12am on 07 Aug 2008, AndyPlowright wrote:

    Robbo, stick to football me old china. Most countries stick by their players when they go through a bad patch or they drop them and bring them back. Neil McKenzie is a good example of a guy coming back. Michael Clarke grew up a lot. Damian Martyn spent time in the wilderness and came back a better player. Inzamam-ul-Haq went through a shocking run of form and came back and scored plenty of runs.

    The news that KP doesn't really know how to read a pitch in terms of what it will do is pretty stunning. The KP era is never going to be dull.

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  • 22. At 00:42am on 07 Aug 2008, Manno23 wrote:

    "I'd like to see the selectors seize the opportunity to draft in a couple of promising players along with Bopara. Rashid for Panesar, maybe? Shreck for Anderson? Denly for Strauss? There's nowt to lose, is there?"

    Are you mad Robbo? Bopara is a good call, he was unfortunate to miss out on playing this week, but the other changes you suggest are simply ridiculous. Denly, Shreck and Rashid are all good players but they are nowhere near good enough to face the South Africans...could you honestly see Denly scoring big runs against the likes of Morkel and Nel? The lad had a good T20 tournament and suddenly everyones raving about him...he still only averages about 20 in the Championship! Also, dropping the established players would only serve to upset the balance of the camp and could well effect future performance. In short, Robbo, stick to being a comedian and don't apply to be an England selector in a hurry!

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  • 23. At 10:28am on 07 Aug 2008, vanty9 wrote:

    Brilliant Robbo, inspired. laugjing my socks off. Keep it up!!

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  • 24. At 10:57am on 07 Aug 2008, rally1234 wrote:

    At 3:24pm on 06 Aug 2008, chuck69norris wrote:

    I would like to know what gives a BBC employee the right to insult any of its readers? Joke or not I do not appreciate your choice. After all, do we not pay your wages?
    -----------------------------

    Pfft. He pays his own wages too remember? What are you going to do? Sell your TV and ask for a refund to the licence fee? Get over yourself

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  • 25. At 01:24am on 08 Aug 2008, liamcomeonalonso wrote:

    you honestly have nothing else to do with yur days than write awful articles on something you dont even know about. England would be in more disgrace and misery if you ran the teams. As for your unwitty humour it seems a bit desperate for attention. Stick to living in your slum mate

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  • 26. At 07:42am on 08 Aug 2008, David wrote:

    is this a newcastle fan is disguise ?

    The gap between his bat and pad has been marginally smaller than the gap between reality and fiction in the brain of the average Newcastle United fan.

    i think that comment has got to him, its nice to see that it is not only north east fans who think newcastle are deluded

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  • 27. At 11:48am on 08 Aug 2008, Grazman wrote:

    Great article. I especially enjoyed the analogy between Moores and the clown McClaren. England have gone seriously backwards since Moores has been at the helm, and don't get me started on McClown.

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  • 28. At 12:29pm on 09 Aug 2008, Davaud wrote:

    Sorry coopandy, but just ask Hoggy and the Jones Boy if they're untouchable!!

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