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A Hitchcock in my Attic

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Mark Kermode | 15:50 UK time, Thursday, 8 July 2010

As the BFI requests the nation search its attics in the hope of locating a missing Hitchcock movie I am inclined to ponder what else should be up there...

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Comments

Page 1 of 5

  • Comment number 1.

    I'd have to go with the following:
    1. Percy Jackson and the lightning theif [2009]
    2. Johnny be good [1988]
    3. Mummy 3: Tomb of the dragon emperor [2008]

  • Comment number 2.

    Surely the collective output of the Wayans brothers would make a prime candidate. Were we to banish all existing prints of every film they've made to some impregnable vault (preferably guarded by laser-wielding robots) peace on earth would surely follow.

  • Comment number 3.

    1)"Survival of the Dead"

    Horseriding zombies gallop around Brigadoon.
    I love George and so pretend this installment never occured. It would be great if it no longer existed.

    2)"The Vanishing" (American version)

    The end of this movie! oh no no no what a waste. Another pointless inferior remake, in fact you could insert many english remakes here. Take your pick.

    3)The remastered star wars trilogy.

    Hans shoots first damnit!!!!

  • Comment number 4.

    Any misogynistic, anti-feminist pieces of vomit inducing celluloid.

    Porkys
    Baise-Moi
    Blacksnake
    Sex and the City
    Don't Torture a Duckling

  • Comment number 5.

    Anatomy Of Hell - Philosophical, avant-garde, navel-gazing, narcissistic micro waffle so utterly pretentious and annoying it should be burned and erased from history. Catherine Breillat is a moronic hack and there is no pit deep enough to bury her body of work.
    Sex And The City 2 - I think you covered this one for me good doctor, in your excellent review.
    Disaster Movie - It's just unspeakably bad. Obvious, unfunny and puerile nonsense.

    Surely the world would be a better place if these didn't exist? I'd certainly sleep a lot easier.

  • Comment number 6.

    3 movies that are hrrible in themselves but also taint other great movies...
    1. Be Cool - incredibly bad sequel to the great Get Shorty
    2. The Wicker Man remake (obvious choice)
    3. Godzilla (US version)

  • Comment number 7.

    Hi there Mark!

    Three films that should be burnt at the stake...

    1. Revolver
    2. Scary Movie 4
    3. White Chicks

    I feel sick just typing them out...

    Olly.

  • Comment number 8.

    i'm going with the last three films i have walked out of;
    1. sex and the city
    2.transformers 2
    it was a while back but....
    3.batman and robin.
    even though i did not make it to the roll of the credits its still time i will never get back.all demanding the kermode brand of "utter horse sh*t".

  • Comment number 9.

    Firstly (and most obviously) Exorcist II - The Heretic (the only redeeming feature is the excellent Morricone score). Secondly The Royal Tenenbaums (although it's hard to chose just one Wes Anderson film, Rushmore being the fluke exception to his typical films featuring naval gazing whining upper class depressives). Finally Adaptation (Oi Jonze- No!).
    The whole subject of lost films is an interesting one. Most people who actually saw London after Midnight and commented on it seem to be fairly ambivalent about it. I'm all for preservation of films regardless of their quality or merit (even Wes Anderson flicks), but just because something's been lost it doesn't mean it should be elevated to classic status. Perhaps the BFI should spend more time and money preserving films of merit rather than worrying about a supposedly second rate Hitchcock film for the sake of completeness.

  • Comment number 10.

    1 The Godfather III (the worst sequel ever made)
    2 Van Helsing, Hugh Jackman (worst Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein Jekyll and Hyde....
    3 Virtuosity (not really a movie, not really a TV show. possibly the worst thing, for lack of a better word, I've ever seen)

  • Comment number 11.


    1. Shutter Island: I consider it to be the "ugly-little-brother" of W.P. Blatty's masterpiece "The Ninth Configuration" -there are quite few similarities between the plots of those two films-. Many fans of Martin Scorsese loved it, but to me it's just another new age thriller with nothing new to give to its original genre.

    2. Bedazzled (2000): I hate it. Just for casting Brendan Fraser in the part originally played by Dudley Moore and Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil (Peter Cook delivered his finest performance as The Devil), I wish it to be gone. The magic words: Julie Andrews!

    3. Artificial Intelligence & Minority Report: Spielberg should STOP trying to become Kubrick, because he will never make it.

  • Comment number 12.

    For me it would probablt be

    1) Neverending story 2 (I feel the same way about this as Mark does about The Exorcist 2)

    2) Greece (No not Greece 2, Greece. I hate this film, the songs are kind of OK, but the charcters are shallow and dull, the acting is terrible, there is basically no plot, and the film has quite a horrible message, Change your apperance and personality to make your partner happy... and the worst part about is, loads of people like it!)

    3)Smoking Aces (Only because I have a friend who says this is his favourite film, and i can't talk him out of it. If there no copies of it left then he would have to settle to for Bladerunner)

  • Comment number 13.

    I've just realised how badly worded my post is! What I meant was that it's a shame to lose anything (even if it's really bad), but the BFI should probably concentrate on the good stuff first!

  • Comment number 14.

    1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 DVD
    2. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Blue-ray
    3. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Lost disk edition

    4. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Special edition
    5. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 download, DVD, HD etc.
    6. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Trilogy

    etc.

  • Comment number 15.

    The extent of merchandising and cross-platofrm formats requires quite a task to actually make a film disappear these days... We can take solace in the fact that DVD's and optical formats essentially "rot" and hard-drives break!

  • Comment number 16.

    Only 3! That's tough.

    1. Aliens vs Predator 2 - most of it was just a black screen, and the bits that weren't were terrible.

    2. Be Kind Rewind - self indulgent rubbish. The only film I've ever walked out of.

    3. Love Actually - S**t, Actually.

  • Comment number 17.

    I have decided to be tactical in my suggestions, by proposing that we find and lose the bad movies from a franchise that was once great. My personal preference would be that we save the Alien franchise by loosing Alien vs. Predator 1&2 and Alien: Resurrection (Yes, I’m one of the few who like the 3rd film).

  • Comment number 18.

    3) 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' (remake): Had it not been made, Platinum Dunes may not have lobotomised a generation of "horror" fans.

    2) 'Gremlins 2': This is a tough one because I actually like it, I just hate how it single handidly reduced the Creature Feature to a bubbling pile of green viscous.

    1) '300': Just flat out rank, taudry nonsense, if the slow mo shots were sped up to whatever the standard fps is, the feature would only run for 36 minutes.


    You could argue that exiling movies rumoured to have inspire violence (Basketball Diaries, Natural Born Killers, Childs Play 3) might pay some service to society but I personally think that the morons inspired by the forementioned would react the same way if they got too many coffee Revels in their pack.

  • Comment number 19.

    Surely if we can expend so many resources getting rid of small pox, we can eradicate the some really bad films.
    I'm not going to mention films like Sex and the City & Bride Wars because that would to them too much of a justice as to call them films proper in the first place.
    They are more like a can of diet coke than a piece of art...they are a product and nothing more.

    1. Righteous Kill
    Two of the greatest actors of all time running around in their 70s pretending they are still guys in their prime. Hitting the gym for awkward scenes with much younger actors. Really bad script too. It seems more time was spent making sure De Niro didn't have any less lines than Pacino in preproduction than actually making sure it had an interesting story that would become these two acting greats. Thankfully Pacino's performance in "You Don't Know Jack" has completely redeemed him in my eyes.

    2. The Wickerman (2006) One of the best horror films ever made, shat all over, robbed of it's subtext, atmosphere and reduced to just another in a line of bad performances from Nic Cage. Oh God how I hate Nic Cage.

    3. Star Wars Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace.
    go to http://www.redlettermedia.com/ and look for their BRILLIANT video review of this unfortunate piece of the Star Wars cannon. It's about an hour long and is infinitely more entertaining than the actual film.

  • Comment number 20.

    I personally don't mind Transformers existing in this world, people will forget them soon enough. I'm far more worried about the kind of movies often cited in the "top 5 of all times" lists, while in reality being average at best. Here are some examples:

    1. Requiem for a dream - patronizing, pretentious pile of propaganda.

    2. The Shawshank Redemption - people just need to let go of this one - ITS NOT THAT GOOD, ok? I'm sick of people talking about this film as if it was in the same class as The Godfather and Seven Samurai. For that, it must be destroyed forever, buahahahahahaa

    3. Mulholland Dr. - self indulgent, overrated, incoherent. Listening to Lynch fanboys makes me want to puke.

  • Comment number 21.

    Try as I might, I can't think of a single film which I dislike or disapprove of so much that I would see lost. Even though the intent behind this exercise is light-hearted, it's too close to asking which books ought to be burned -- the correct answer is "none".

  • Comment number 22.

    Mermaids - A film about a group of people I cared not one jot about. And then it ended

    eXistenZ - Just plain dreadful.

    Ultraviolet - I watched this to the end thinking "It can't possibly get any worse" and yet it continually managed to do so.

  • Comment number 23.

    Surprised no one's mentioned it yet, but Battlefield Earth would surely have to be one. Dreadful in more ways than I can entirely get my head around.

    I'm also tempted to say "every Uwe Boll film ever made", but I'll settle for Alone in the Dark.

    And to complete the trilogy of awful, I'd have to go with Catwoman. Rarely has a film so magnificently lived down to my expectations.

  • Comment number 24.

    Of the known films I would like to be lost, they would be...

    1. Jaws 4 (preferably all the 3 Jaws sequels).

    2. Exorcist 2: The Heretic (I felt I just had to watch the film to see if it was as bad as everyone told me... and it was as bad as everyone told me. But no one said it was laugh-out-loud funny as well).

    3. Battlefield Earth (how can a movie this GOD AWFUL get a DVD realise, let alone be considered for a Blu-Ray realise, I don't know. May be the power of L. Ron Hubbard compels it).

  • Comment number 25.

    The Star Wars prequels.

  • Comment number 26.

    1. The Time Travellers Wife - Really loved the book and was really let down by how rubbish the film was, had none of the subtlety of the book. I know it was a difficult story to film but how totally rubbish it is is only made worse knowledge that it was at one time going to be directed by David Fincher who decided to film Benjamin Button instead!

    2. Benjamin Button... 2 and a half hours of my life that I will never get back. So, so, so god awfully bad. Wooden acting throughout and delusions of depth. And it had oscar nominations... why?

    (2.5. Meet Joe Black - Benjamin Button audition.)

    3. The Beach - why did they turn him american and make him get the girl? totally changed the story. darn you dicaprio.

    Arnt films worse when you anticipate them to be so much better that they turn out to be - great directer, actors, cinematography and even when you watch it there is clearly so much good stuff going on but then bad editing or casting and the whole thing falls apart. The disappointment in watching these films is worse than something you were expecting to be pants... like Sex and the City 2 or Killers.

  • Comment number 27.

    1.armageddon....2.day after tomrrow....3.pearl harbor.i usually like big summer block buster movies but these suck big time...we dont need an attic to put these in but a bonfire.

  • Comment number 28.

    Epic Movie - The most wretched, vomit-inducing P.O.S. that I've ever seen.

    Pirates of the Caribbean 2 - Not the worst of the series, but I figure if you get rid of Pirates 2, then Pirates 3 will be ignored from then on.

    The Holiday - Just because I watched it once and it was rubbish.

  • Comment number 29.

    There are many but here are some examples:

    1. The Box - Torturous to watch. The cinematic definition of 'missing the point' layered with nonsensical pseudo-philosophical science-fiction slop.

    2. S.Darko - Somehow connected to my first choice in that both spawn (in some way) from Richard Kelly. The direct-to-DVD definition of 'missing the point' layered with nonsensical pseudo-philosophical spiritual slop.

    3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - I can handle Transformers existing... barely, but nothing justifies this hideous husk of a film. I sat in a packed screening surrounded by children and expected any moment for police to run in and arrest me for witnessing such a lurid, vile, sexually depraved film as this within 500 ft of children.

  • Comment number 30.

    I'm with #21 on this one. I like a laugh as much as the next person, but what you're suggesting is tantamount to artistic genocide. After all if you wished for certain movies to never have seen the light of day then you and every other film critic would be out of a job!

    Who is it said, "Where one burns books (films, etc), one eventually burns people."

    Shame on you.

  • Comment number 31.

    Last Year in Marienbad (utterly tedious)
    Citizen Kane (over-rated and tedious)
    The Dumbfounded King (tedious)
    Battle Beyond the Stars (pathetic)
    The Unbearable Lightness of Being (tedious)
    Eloge D'Amour (tedious)
    Karma Sutra: A Tale of Love (weak)
    You're Dead (pathetic)
    This Year's Love (unnecessarily depressing)
    Barnyard (male 'cows'?)
    3.10 to Yuma (latest version, weak story logic)
    The End of the Affair (painfully tedious)
    Bad Boys II (too distorting of real political situation to be credible)
    The Mosquito Coast (much the same, concealed jingoism)
    A Dry White Season (for making apartheid seem mundane rather than unacceptable)

    I try to avoid watching bad movies so these are ones that have slipped through the net. There are probably worse movies out there, some others have listed them, but I do not feel it is right for me to comment on ones I have not watched. These movies I have listed are either incredibly tedious or wrong, so discussion of them is far more engaging than the movies themselves.

  • Comment number 32.

    Hi Mark

    Three Films I wished were gone from history

    1) - DISASTER MOVIE

    How can anyone go and see this unfunny,unoriginal,hopeless,cringeworthy film that fails to meet any expectations at all.
    The cast are terrible,the story is just stupid and insulting in many different ways. I had to sit through the whole film
    just to say that i had seen IN MY OPINION THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. I am going to admit Plan 9 was ok if it was changed
    to a Comedy but You Can`t Call this A Comedy Mark, I Call This An Abombmiation Upon All Films.

    2) - EVERY UWE BOLL MOVIE IN EXSISTENCE

    This man is talentless,rude and makes horrible film after horrible film and i feel sorry for every critic and audience
    member who has to put through with his garbage. I cant pick a particular film which is bad but i have sat through Alone With
    The Dark more than once and it is by far the most uncomfortable experience in a film.

    3) - SHOWGIRLS

    Just Don`t Bother it is just terrible in so many ways. Unlikeable Characters, A Plot Too Daft to talk about and should be
    erased from film history.

    I am also going to respond to other comments

    The Remastered Star Wars Trilogy - Yeah I Liked The Original

    Godzilla - Probably The Only Person In The Realm Of Exsistence To Say I Liked This Film (Bring On The Hate)

    The Godfather Part III - I think that film is misunderstood. It isn`t meant to be a Gangster Film. The Whole point Of The
    Godfather Trilogy was The Story of Michael Corleone and what happens when he is corrupted with power. III was an epilogue and
    the aftermath of his control over The Corleone Crime Family. Godfather III was never meant to be a Gangster Film, The Gangster
    Theme was a Minor Theme to the story.

    Be Kind Rewind - I Enjoyed that film mostly.

    Love Actually - Love that Film. Valentines Day is More Of A American Remake

    Star Wars Episode One - Another Childhood Favourite. Yes Jar Jar is annoying and Yes The Force speech is damn right insulting,
    but this was the first Star Wars film i saw in the cinema and i enjoyed every single minute. Say what you want about The
    Star Wars Prequel Trilogy but not everyone hates it.

  • Comment number 33.

    I would like The Avengers to go away, I culd happily go the rest of my life without watching that film again, Highlander 2 the Quickening for ruining a promising franchise, it decided that the reason for immortals is aliens fro,m the planet Zeist. Finally AI, it is the miost boring film ever made at in the piano something happens in AI nothing happens I feel asleep four times honestly it is damaging to your health watching it.

  • Comment number 34.

    Big fan of the blog, first time posting here.

    In no particular order

    #1 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
    It would have been far more interested to see Frank Darabont's script treatment instead of the irredeemable piece of trash the audience was subjected to. This film only serves to reinforce that age old axiom "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

    #2 Batman Forever
    A sentimental choice here, as it was the first movie I ever walked out of at the tender age of twelve.

    #3 Gone in 60 Seconds.
    A sort of precursor to those "Fast and the Furious" movies starring Nick Cage that proved to be the cinematic equivalent of waterboarding.

    And one for good luck: Armageddon. I was hoping the comet would win!

  • Comment number 35.

    Good question Sir Doctor.

    I don't know if the world would be a better place, but my memory would be better to be rid of the horror of Sex Lives Of The Potato Men, Freddie Got Fingered and Lightning Jack; all three of which I might I add I saw not of my own choice but with others and my sense of taste has yet to recover from.
    Films of such offensive and irrevocable stupidity and neanderthal sense of 'humour' I would gladly light the fire for.
    Hideous in the full sense of that word doesn't do the awfulness of these so-called comedies.

  • Comment number 36.

    1. Twilight
    2. New Moon
    3. Eclipse

    yeah that's right Kermode, you heard me. if possible i would like to throw every copy of the books in there as well. your recent proclamations that the story is about "true love" are ridiculous, true love should be about equality and trust and the relationship in twilight isn't either of these.
    and please don't liken it to gothic literature. i also think women are the clear leaders when it comes to gothic fiction but meyer is definitely the exception that proves the rule.
    Yours truly, a distressed 18 year old girl.

    P.S if you still haven't changed your mind by the time you've seen Breaking Dawn, i'll eat my marauder's map. even the twihards didn't like that book.

  • Comment number 37.

    1. The Jaws sequels - Why? Because they trashed my favourite film of all time.

    2. Exorcist 2: The Heretic - Why? Because it trashed my second favourite film of all time.

    3. Kids - Why? Because Larry Clark is a dirty old man. He claims the film is about "a day in the life of teenagers everywhere". But in essence, this is just a lame excuse for him to make an exercise in child pornography.

  • Comment number 38.

    Firstly i was unfortunate too see Music and lyrics which is so damned awful that i still have damp educing nightmares - Hue Grant leaning into my face singing soul rotting lyrics while the little girl from ET rides in circles around us on a piano bike hitting random keys and screaming as if she had witnessed her parents decapitation.

    2nd. Toys with Robin Williams - I am not sure how old i was when this came out - i have not seen it since - but i walked out of the cinema utterly disgusted - not even sure why anymore as can only remember Williams face and that woman - but the film still hits top when i think of terrible movies.

    lastly - The Exorcist - Yes that's right. Lets give the next generation of young people nightmares by telling Fairy tales of a long lost film so full of terror that all copies where destroyed for the health of all nations. Although people tell of one man, who locked himself away, obsessed by the-film-that-shall-not-be-named, who holds the only copy - the guardian to the gates of hell. Fear of his Hands and un-date-able hair style strike fear into children and adults a like.

  • Comment number 39.

    Only three?
    Green Street
    My Girl
    The Spirit

    To give reasons why means they made an impact.

  • Comment number 40.

    The last 3 MGM Marx brothers films. I think these films damaged the Marx brothers. They where baldy written slap stick comedys. This made many people think the Brothers where slap stick comedians which lead to them being mixed up with the 3 stoges. The Satire of the early paramounts forgoten. Get rid of Love Happy as well.

  • Comment number 41.

    I feel that, despite the appeal of casting many horrors into the darkest pits available, we should not let ourselves entertain the possibility of doing it.
    As a film maker myself I consider it absolutely invaluable to find what might be called 'rotten treasures', awful films which show exactly how NOT to do things; infitinitely better for the purposes of demonstration than a good film, because when things are done well it is more often than not overlooked.

    No, we should rise above this. These cinematic insults are like the ancient war machine in museums, they remind us of the evil that is possible and how best we can avoid it.

    I think it is best to compare this to De Sade's writing; as a philosopher said (I sadly forget who) it exists to mark the very bottom line of literature. And I know that however bad my films are, they will never be as bad as Bride Wars.

  • Comment number 42.

    Three game changers from the 70s. Not so much for the films themselves but for the annoying influence they had. I'm hoping if that with the films, that influence will be gone forever too.

    1 Star Wars
    2 Jaws
    3 Annie Hall

    Mark, since you mentioned Bride Wars, would you care to enlighten us with a half-yearly round up of 2010's worst films so far? Surely there must be worse films than Film Socialism, or have you been shirking your duties?

  • Comment number 43.

    Vincent Gareth Thomas what have you got against hellenistic culture, the birthplace of decracy , geometry, drama and philoshpoy. Are you upset by the finical iresposiblity or have had your holiday upset by the protests. Is it nana mscouri, or pompous classical references, or a dodgy moussaka. I agree Grease ,but don't knock greece.

  • Comment number 44.

    1. Alien v Predator (a bastardisation of not one but two franchises)

    2. Batman and Robin (Bat nipples...)

    3. Synedoche New York (Pretentious arty crap)

  • Comment number 45.

    The films I would like to nominate are

    1. Grease 2
    2. Omen IV: The Awakening

    which between them vie for worst film I've ever seen, and

    3. Down with Love

    which is probably the worst film I've seen in a cinema (the other two being on DVD).

    The problem with this is, don't we risk creating a following for these movies which would see a spike in their popularity and a subsequent campaign to unearth the missing prints, a la the search for the apparently rubbish lost Hitchcock.

    The last thing we need is lots of articles in horror magazines about how the Omen IV, to take my example, is really a 'lost classic' which deserves to be unearthed and reassessed as the best film of the series.

  • Comment number 46.

    Russian Ark - get me out of here!

    The Piano - please stop, life is too short, im dieing here

    The Star Wars prequels - George, seriously, you haven't a clue what you're doing

    other worthy mentions:

    Transformers - an offence to humanity, Michael Bay should be brought before the International Criminal Court

    Killing Me Softly - yes indeed you are

  • Comment number 47.

    1 Dumb and dumber
    Which killed film coemedy and replaced it is with mindless gross out trash

    2 Indepenace day
    Responsible for the tidal wave of ottt effect driven disater movies

    3 Lost in space

    Encouraged the production line of bad remakes of old tv shows ratherr than writing origibal scripts

  • Comment number 48.

    Any prequel. Star Wars Ep I, II & III, Hannibal Rising, Texas Chainsaw the Beginning, Exorcist the Beginning, Uhm...Dumb and Dumberer, well you get the idea.

    Also, I'm not looking forward to the new Alien prequel even it is in the hands of Ridley Scott.

    Only possible exception - Batman Begins (but is this merely a reboot?)

  • Comment number 49.

    1) Amelie.
    Horrible horrendous vomit-inducing nonsense I had to sit through 3 times in French class.

    2) Eyes Wide Shut
    Boring with no interesting or engaging features at all.

    3) Fight Club
    Another reminder of David Fincher's inability to direct.

  • Comment number 50.

    I have decided to pick all three sequals to the original Shrek. The reason why I pick these films is not because they are the worst films ever made, they aren't. I have choosen these films because of the harm they have done to the memory and reputation of the original. I think a lot of film lovers have almost forgotten how clever and ballsy the first Shrek was because of how uninspired the last few Shrek films have been. I know some people would agrue that Shrek 2 has it merits, and I wouldn't disagree. But I felt Shrek worked as a stand alone parody of Disney cinema, and I would rather it had been remembered as that one unique and interesting animated film, rather than a tired and dryed up franchise.

    Oh,and Hollywood, Shrek is by no means the only property guilty of this crime.

  • Comment number 51.

    I'd really like it if Terminator 3: Rise of the machines would disappear for good (I could list Terminator 4 as well but without the thrid we wouldn't have the fourth so there's no need in wasting one of my choices). Nothing offends me more than that film.

    I could also really do with never being at risk from being subjected to any of those Narnia films ever again as well. NOTHING HAPPENS!! And those kids are unbareable.

    And Love Actually. For which I feel I dont need to give reasons as everyone here is smart enough to know that Love Actually is unspeakably bad.

  • Comment number 52.

    # 1. Batman and Robin. It´s quite hard to wrap your mind around how awful this film is, especially when compared to the original 1989 film, which I still consider as Tim Burton´s finest work and a modern masterpiece. The only way this film would be easier to endure is to take a shot of alcohol every time the "Guvernator" makes a lame pun about ice. You´d probably pass out within 15 minutes.

    # 2. Bad Boys. It´s not the worst film Michael Bay has made, that dubious credit goes to Transformers 2. But if we had known back in 1995 how much terror Mr. Bay would inflict on the art of cinema, surely we would have taken the precautionary step and destroyed every print from every projector before they were seen by anyone, thus ruining his career before it had even begun.

    # 3. Gus Van Sant´s Psycho. In my opinion, it is the worst remake of all time because it doesn´t even try to tell the story from a different perspective, simply duplicating the original film and adding color. It´s sort of like listening to a bad tribute band that only makes you realize how much better the real thing is.

  • Comment number 53.

    Only 3 Doctor K? But Michael Bay has made 8 movies!

  • Comment number 54.

    1. The re-mastered Star Wars Trilogy

    They actually spoil the originals. The new (already dated) CGI overshadows the heart behind the old puppets and models.

    2. The re-mastered E.T.

    The new scene is totally out of kilter with the rest of the film. The CGI E.T. is also less believable.

    3. The directors cut of Donnie Darko.

    Tries to explain too much. Takes away the ambiguity and charm of the originally released theatrical version.

    Done.

  • Comment number 55.

    Sex Lives of the Potato Men
    The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
    North

    Three films with no redeeming features whatsoever. Most of the listed films so far have one or two good things about them, or are so terrible they're actually hilarious (i.e. Battlefield Earth and The Wicker Man remake). These are three absolutely appalling films in every possible way in which EVERYONE INVOLVED SHOULD BE THOROUGHLY ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES.

  • Comment number 56.

    I would lose the Batman and Robin and Zorro TV series in the attic (yes, I know, not strictly films). This is not because they were awful, but because I enjoyed them so much when I was younger, and finding them again to re-watch as adult might spoil them – I think they are now lodged in my memories as something other (possibly better) than the actual shows

  • Comment number 57.

    1. Star Wars I - Phantom Menace "What are midichlorians master?"
    2. Star Trek 5 - The Final Frontier "What does god need with a starship?"
    3. Jaws 3-D "You're talking about some damn shark's mother?"

    There's nothing like taking a popular franchise, suckering people in with promises and promoting high expectations and then spectacularly failing to deliver. The drop from expecation to reality is much bigger than watching a poor film that you are not expecting much of, or an unknown quantity that ends up being poor.

  • Comment number 58.

    I'm not suggesting any titles, simply because...

    I DO NOT SUPPORT FILM CENSORSHIP OR SUPPRESSION.

    Sorry to be a kill joy, but no, no matter how bad a film seems to be in the eyes of a particular audience, it should nonetheless be freely available to anyone who wishes to see it.

    I mean, it's just a bit of harmless fun, but we do actually live in world where this kind of stuff happens; i.e. Warner Brothers refusing to release The Devils because they think its trash.

  • Comment number 59.

    This reminded me of something I think I once read in a book by Stephen Jay Gould. It went along the lines of "monsters are necessary, because if mutation, adaptation, and the rise of new forms is to occur at all then the concomitant tragic failures are absolutely necessary". He was talking about evolutionary biology, but I think the principal can be applied to any creative endeavors. In order to create great things it has to be acceptable to create monsters. We shouldn't say that they are good movies, books or whatever, in fact we should say and be aware that they are terrible, but we should celebrate them in all their hideousness. You, Dr. K, do this continually right here on your blog. I cite last year's ongoing "Ten Films Worse Than Bride Wars" challenge. It's fine to criticise them and we should be concerned when they thrive, but they should be allowed to exist.

  • Comment number 60.

    If I were going to get rid of 3 films it would be these three
    1)The godfather part 3...it just ruined everything...there was nothing wrong with leaving it at the end of part 2 why did you have to make that movie.
    2)Mamma Mia...I hate ABBA anyway but that movie was just dreadful, the storyline was bad, the way it was made was bad, the singing speaks for itself and it just generally makes me angry that such a shoddy piece of filmmaking made so much money.
    3)This is it...This film although it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be was just a shameful extorsion of the late great Michael Jackson, I don't want to "eliminate" this film because it is bad(it has it's moments and does feel rushed in parts) but because it's just a shameless attempt by the producers to make money from his tragic death.

  • Comment number 61.

    Hi Dr. K. I was going to suggest all the obvious ones. Exorcist 2, Transformers, Sex and the City etc. But since everyone else has already mentioned those i thought hard about it and here (hopefully) are some origonal choices. You might not agree with them but hey-ho.

    Lost in Translation: Dreary, pretentious non-sense. Sorry Sophia... But just because your old man made "The Godfather", doesnt mean im going to sit there and pretend to enjoy this complete non-entity of a movie where nothing happens and it happens far too slowly.

    Snakes on a Plane: I'm a big fan of Samuel L. Jackson so as much as it annoyed me when he started doing those Barclaycard adverts (and it DID annoy me), against my better judgement i looked the other way. Snakes on a Plane, however, is absolutely inexcusable! Here we have a truly gifted actor with an undeniably impressive CV and many millions of dollars in the bank... And he feels (for reasons i cannot even fathom)that he has to do a film like this?!? The mind boggles....

    And finally (and i KNOW you will agree with me on this good Doctor),

    Little Man: Enough said.





  • Comment number 62.

    I would love to tackle this question at the source of the problem, could we not make a reenforced heavily bolted attic in which to put fools such as Michael Bay and McG.
    Sure we could loose their previous dire attempts at film making and the world would indeed rejoice, but how long before the next piece of tripe was shat out by them to replace it.

    In regards to the question though,

    1) Alien vs Predator - Please stop destroying my childhood!

    2) 2012 - Utter utter pants!

    3) 10,000 BC - Just plain stupid! I have never seen so many beautiful and well groomed prehistoric people.

    On a separate note, I have not yet witnessed Predators (and I don't intend to), but I'm willing to put money on it being worthy of a place in the attic that time forgot. It is clear that this is just another excuse for studios and directors to fill their pockets when they run out of original ideas.

  • Comment number 63.

    Films so bad I either walked out or switched off/over.
    (There’s no point including ridiculously cheaply made exploitation / rip-off movies etc. They do what they say they do on the tin - and occasionally can be fun.)

    However my life would have been improved had I not seen all or part of:
    Highlander (and sequels)
    Wolverine
    Once Upon a Time in Mexico
    The Avengers
    21 Grams
    Happy-Go-Lucky (Actually, most Mike Leigh films)
    Breaking the Waves (Actually, most Lars von Trier films)
    Bad Boys 2

    Some of the others dregs mentioned above I managed to avoid.

    However suggesting that cinema would be better had Star Wars, Jaws and Annie Hall not been made (#42) is a bit harsh.
    I know what you mean (summer blockbusters like Transformers etc) but I liked all three of those films.

    Hollywood would have arrived at the summer blockbuster even without Jaws and Star Wars, whilst Annie Hall is one of my favourite rom-coms (along with Play It Again Sam, also by Allen).

  • Comment number 64.

    1. Avatar. My life, and all of our lives, would be so much better without it, because it's triggered off a 3D gold-rush to make any film in 3D, with producers and executives thinking, "Hmm, if it's in 3D, people will come, yea, and spend money, regardless of plot, dialogue, acting, editing, or directing."

    2. Jumper. I had the misfortune of watching this film in an amazing cinema in Australia. It had reclining lazy-boys, and you scheduled drinks and food to arrive at specific times during the film - it was truly an amazing experience ... except for the film. Hayden Christensen was so awful, it made his Anakin Skywalker role look like an Oscar-winner. Samuel L. Jackson must be getting senile, because it's the only reason I could fathom for him doing this film. Jamie Bell must have had contractual obligations, or else he needed the money. But, worst of all, apparently Doug Liman has not one, not two, not three but another four films in his head as sequels to this awful, awful film. If it weren't for this film, we'd have been spared the subsequent onslaught of another possible four Jumper sequels. Please, God, please. If that doesn't warrant the disappearance of this movie, I don't know what does.

    3. Alien vs. Predator: Predator was an amazingly good film, even with Arnie. Alien was just an incredible film. Alien vs. Predator was a film that the phrase, "Why, God, why?" was invented for. (It's sequel, Alien vs. Predator Requiem, then made you realise that there is no God, because we're living in hell on earth, and the Devil is a director making these rubbish films.)

  • Comment number 65.

    I would have to go with:
    1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - The stupidest film I have ever seen. Horribly racist and sexist. You can't see the action and the plot canyons are enormous
    2. Batman and Robin - The worst film I have ever seen. Horrible acting from Clooney. Horrific ice puns from Schwazeneger, numerous gay overtones which don't fit Batman and some of the worst writing in any film
    3. The Waterboy - Annoying acting from Adam Sandler throughout, racist stereotypes of Southern Americans, a horrible plot and a stupid premise streched way too far into an awful film.

  • Comment number 66.

    1) The Matrix Reloaded - I have only ever fallen asleep with boredom in a movie once and that was during was this one, all style and no ....wait...hang on a minute it didn't even have style! I so liked the first one, what happened?

    2) Freddy Got Fingered - (Yes that is the title) I'm not averse to a bit of toilet humour but this one takes the biscuit. This was lent to me by a work colleague who swore it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. Let me tell you he was wrong...crass, obnoxious, offensive, and not even remotely funny, I'll never get that hour back (that's right I didn't make it to the end, it was that bad!)Tom Green stay away from making movies I beg you.

    3) Freejack - Scifi movie, co written by Ronald Shusett (Alien, Aliens) starring Emilio Estevez (a big star at the time) and Mick Jagger how could it go wrong? Well go wrong it does big time! Just atrocious, with a ludicrous plot that is totally un-engaging and all over the shop. Trust me if you ever get the chance to see it, politely decline it will be the best decision you've ever made!


  • Comment number 67.

    1)Hello Again - Shelley Long rising from the dead as the film did the opposite
    2) Rancid Aluminum - and people are surpised we don't have a film industry
    3) Burton's Planet of the Apes - no Tim nooooooooooooooo!!!

  • Comment number 68.

    #17 - I like Alien 3, too; the best of the series in my opinion.

    #44 - AvP's a "...bastardisation" to you, a well-executed subscription to the theory of interventionary evolution (read Daniken) to me. To each his own.

  • Comment number 69.

    1 - Last Days by Gus Van Sant

    Stodgy heap of chunky, pretentious vomit, giving off a strong stench of self satisfaction and a worrying, almost reverent attitude to suicide. The movie is not helped by an incomprehensible performance by Michael Pitt - an actor who has become an indie darling seemingly for possessing a floppy haircut and a self consciously moody demeanor rather than any actual talent. Pitt mopes around in his mansion, mumbling to himself for a bit. People try to talk to him and he refuses to answer, simply responding with something along the lines of "mmmrmblemummblemacaronicheese." He then tries to make macaroni cheese. He succeeds in making the macaroni cheese. Then he walks through the woods. Then he dies.

    That's all that happens. The movie is two hours long. So dull I had to headbutt the television screen in order to stay awake.

    2 - North by Rob Reiner

    Tied with the Exorcist Part II as the worst movie ever made by a great director. It's hard to believe that the man who can produce movies as funny as This Is Spinal Tap or When Harry Met Sally, as thrilling as Misery and as heartwarming as Stand By Me, can produce a movie which aims for all of these qualities and hopelessly misses each and every one of them in such a spectacuar fashion. Reiner's first real dud of a movie and, as bad as some of the work he's produced since then has been, he has never quite managed to reach this level of sheer awfulness again. It's such a banal, witless dungheap that not even the sight of Bruce Willis in a pink bunny outfit could redeem it.

    3 - Remember Me by Allen Coulter

    Would have been a very average film without that final twist; the characters were vaguely sympathetic, and the central message ("it doesn't matter what you do, but it matters that you do it," as MK put it) rather cliched but acceptable. The denouement, however, felt like it was trying to take advantage of a very raw cultural nerve in order to provoke a reaction in it's audience, upstaging and undermining the film that came before it in an unnecessarily crass manner, and for that, the bloody thing needs to be discarded to the depths of obscurity. Urgh.

  • Comment number 70.

    I did actually walk out of a movie a couple of months back (I have never done this before)...the premise sounded so good and with nods to Alien and An American Werewolf in London, and a respect for the director I thought it would be good.
    Oh! but boy did it disappoint so much so that my mate and I left after about half an hour and managed to get in to see something else. It was marketed heavily for it's horror aspects which didn't make any kind of impact as they mostly happened off screen. The humour was lame and lacklustre like being gently slapped in the face by a wet rag. What was the movie? It's a Wonderful Afterlife.

  • Comment number 71.

    1. Birth (2004)
    2. The Happening (2008)
    3. The Boy From Mercury (1996)

  • Comment number 72.

    1. Cheating here a bit, but the whole Star Wars prequel trilogy. It's a none stop toy advert that totally ruins the original trilogy by turning Darth Vader, the most evil man in the universe, into first a wooden kid, then a whiny petulant jerk.

    2. Little Nicky- Without a doubt the least funny "comedy" I have ever had to sit through. Most of Sandler's work is awful, but this is just beyond the pale.

    3. Topaz- it only feels right that if we are possibly going to find a new Hitchcock, we should be able to lose one too. Topaz is a stain on the otherwise almost flawless CV of the greatest director of all time, and deserves to be forgotten.

    An honourable mention to "In the Woods", a 1999 dtv horror film that it without a doubt the worst film i have ever seen. It's worse than Manos: hands of fate.

  • Comment number 73.

    Holy cow, 70 posts already!? A lot of very angry people here.

    I'm going to pass on the three titles offer in favor of kidnapping Michael Bay and locking him up in an attic.

  • Comment number 74.

    1. the remake of 'the ladykillers'
    the reason is that this was so terribly bad and the original does not deserve in any way to be mentioned along with this muck....i imagine they will do what they did with 'cape fear' and we will find both versions boxed together on a supermarket shelf....for this reason the remake needs to be removed from film history.

    2. Strength and Honour
    a boxing film made in 2007 with a cast including Richard Chamberlain, Patrick Bergin, Michael Madsen, and Vinnie Jones...it was so bad, so bad...think of the worst film you ever seen, well, it's twice as bad as that....the trailer made it look ok..and as revenge for them fooling me with the trailer, i want it removed from film history.

    3. Lisztomania - a 1975 film by Ken Russell
    this film took Roger Daltrey and put him in a dress..yup, a woman's dress...and for that reason, taking one of the greatest rock gods and putting him in a..dress !!...for that reason...i would like it promptly removed from film history forever with immediate effect.

    i have spoken.

    many thanks

    doug matthews

    broadcasting from a shed in sligo, ireland.

  • Comment number 75.

    #72 - Darth (in)Sidious is 'the most evil man in the universe', you mean...

    Man, Ian McDiarmid can act; his Palpatine / Darth Sidious SOMEHOW melds boo-hiss pantomime villain (for the kids) and sinister master manipulator (for the oldies). Just superb.

  • Comment number 76.

    To be honest it's difficult to narrow it down. My top three could be filled with virtually any 3 of Adam Sandlers films (with the possible exception of the wedding singer), or any of George Lucas/Stephen Spielberg's recent output, but anyway, here goes.......

    1) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull - There's not many films that you can say managed to spoil your childhood from a distance of 25 years, but this one managed it. To risk sounding like Rick from the Young Ones, it's utter, utter, utter, UTTER cr@p.

    The 'bantering', the cr@p special effects, Indiana Jones surviving an apparent nuclear blast by sitting in a fridge, there's any number of things wrong with this film, and that's before we get to a basic lack of any plot. Talking of which......

    2) Sex and The City 2 (as easy target, I know). I saw this the other night at my wife's insistence - she thought it 'not as good as the first one, but ok'....

    Well, in the past few years, I've often worried about the plight of women in Islamic countries - their perceived lack of rights, the fact that they're almost invisible in society, the way the law is weighted against them etc..... I needn't have. Apparently, they're all ok because they're all wearing the latest Louis Vuitton underneath their burkas. So that's alright then.

    3) Loved - a truely awful, awful film about a woman who apparently can't enough of the beatings dished out by her partner because she loves him. It's almost unbearably pretentious, with moody looks, and slow stilted dialogue (to convey the heavy atmosphere obviously), but what makes it truely stand out from most the art house competition, is a little exchange right at the start where Sean Penn pops up in the hills above LA for no other reason that to tell William Hurt that 'Magnets, they repulse and attract at the same time....'. I mean ,what on earth was he going on about there? Oh wait, he couldn't be dropping the worst metaphor in history to prefigure why the woman stays with her partner is he? Nah, that would be too pretentious, surely?

  • Comment number 77.

    I appreciate what you're doing here Mark, but as I read these lists, and yes these films are seriously flawed on almost every level, I can't help but feel a certain affection for them, for without fodder like this I would have missed out on so many wonderfully shared moments of horror and disbelief. Almost thirty years on, friends of mine and I still chuckle about the night we saw Battlestar Galactica. Collectively we have watched this beast three or four times since to revel in the memories and to remind ourselves of its absurdity. Would you take this joy away from us? You are a cruel man indeed.

  • Comment number 78.

    1. Kill Switch: A Steven Seagal monstrosity, it qualifies as a film only in the very loosest technical sense. It is so bad that it becomes almost bewitching, watching with head in hands and mouth open, as you realise all the levels on which this film is so awful.

    Done on a budget of about £3.50, with an unintentionally grotesque central character, laugh-out-loud-bad action scenes, a nonsensical plot, female characters who are clearly played by strippers not professional actresses, and a sound boom that gets more screen time than most of the characters are just some of the treats this film offers up.

    I have watched most of the other films in this list and this film is much, much worse than all of them. It makes Transformers look like The Godfather.

    Less straight-to-video than straight-to-bin.

    2. Wanted: Angelina Jolie shooting herself in the head was my favourite bit of the movie. I was hoping the other characters would catch on and we could cut to credits.

    3. XXX 2: The Next Level

  • Comment number 79.

    The Sweetest Thing
    Chasing Amy
    Hostel

  • Comment number 80.

    @Craig.

    Sorry, Fella... But you had the chance to go to an amazing cinema. Lazyboys, Scheduled drinks and food. It does sound like Nirvana!
    So my question is this...
    WHY OH WHY OH WHY DID U SQUANDER THAT OPPORTUNITY BY GOING TO WATCH JUMPER?!?
    One has to presume you saw the trailers, or at least one, so what in God's name made you think "Oh that looks good - I'm gonna go and pay to sit through that!" I'm sorry, Craig - but you have noone to blame but yourself.
    And another thing... I agree with you on Alien - it is far and away one of the best Sci-Fi/Horror films ever made - but Predator?? Mate - it's a steaming, sulphurous pile of tat. Thats all it ever has been. In fact, i'm surprised i didnt think of it when i was writing my three films!

  • Comment number 81.

    Sex and the City
    Sex and the City 2
    and the inevitable...you guessed it, Sex and the City 3.

    Burn them all.

  • Comment number 82.

    @Kaprikawn

    Hostel and The Sweetest thing i'll give you. However I'm sorry to say that you are completly - and i mean COMPLETELY wrong about Chasing Amy. Kevin Smith's best film since Clerks.
    Actually, saying that... it's either Chasing Amy or Dogma... hmm...

    Chasing Amy? Dogma? Chasing Amy? Dogma? Chasing Amy? Dogma?

    AAARRGGHH!!! Well i hope you're happy! This is gonna bug me all night now!!!

  • Comment number 83.

    @TenSeven: Well, since you asked ...

    I was visiting a group of friends at the time. Jumper was showing at the cinema. No Country For Old Men was also showing. I wanted to see No Country For Old Men. They said that looked depressing and boring, they wanted to see Jumper. I said Jumper looked rubbish. They said it would be fun big screen rubbish.

    It wasn't.

    They did admit to me afterwards that I was right, but it was a small consolation prize.

    As for Predator ... we can agree to disagree :) It remains one of my guilty pleasures.

  • Comment number 84.

    @Craig I like Predator too :)

  • Comment number 85.

    1. The Birth of a Nation

    D.W. Griffith's epic about the American Civil War and the birth of the Ku Klux Klan is definatley up there. Its a film so appallingly racist it was stomach churning. Never mind Hostel, ban this sick filth!

    2. 9 Songs

    It kind of pains me to say this because I am a big Michael Winterbottom fan. Bad acting, bad dialogue, real sex and great music. The only thing that stops this from bieng a complete abomination is the music.

    3. The Football Factory

    Not much needs to be said other than its a Danny Dyer film. There's to many to count but this is one everyone knows.

  • Comment number 86.

    Lost forever should be the work of the Wachowskis, specifically what was spawned during their self induced sycophantic stupor brought about by the cacophony of Hollywood cash registers. The success of the epic and breath-taking Matrix did not deserve

    1. The Matrix Reloaded

    a film noteworthy only for those scenes with Monica Bellucci – no prizes guessing why! But the lemmings and drones, some of them as old as 17, couldn't stop salivating over the complex plot lines which were, in reality, as intricate and as detailed as blended spaghetti. And so, sat in first class on the train to laziness and predictability, the Wachowskis gave us

    2. The Matrix Revolutions

    a film noteworthy for the anticipation of it being better that Reloaded and ... its end credits.

    Now it's at this point I'd like to think the Wachowskis had an epiphany, developed some self respect, and decided to make a very good film, which they did with V for Vendetta. But as the plaudits rolled in, the warm cosy feeling of buying tickets for the gravy train proved too tempting, leading us to

    3. Speed Racer.

    a film so bad, I don't think Uwe Boll would have put his name to it. I mean, it had a chimpanzee in the film called Chim Chim – they named an ape after a Dick Van Dyke song!

  • Comment number 87.

    I could say the Death Wish films or the Star Wars cash-ins, but that would be too easy. So here are the real crimes against humanity, the films that prove that both critics and film buffs can be idiots...

    Inglorious Bastards - the film that makes 'Allo 'Allo! look like The Sorrow And The Pity. I really enjoyed the films Tarrantino made in the 20th century but this was utter drivel. I literally had to force myself to keep watching it.

    Lost In Translation - awful, smug, self regarding. Who knew foreigners were still funny in 2003? Mind Your Language for the Noah Baumbach generation.

    Anvil - only the naive and gullible could find this attempt to find the "real Spinal Tap" from an ocean of failed metal bands charming. Everyone involved knew what was required of them and played their part accordingly. Shit sandwich.

  • Comment number 88.

    Psycho IV
    The Da Vinci Code
    Angels and Demons

    Utter, utter rubbish

  • Comment number 89.

    Well just too many to mention however here are three random selections..
    1. The Happening (2008) Erm but nothing actually happens....Should have been renamed ....Whispering Grass.

    2.88 Minutes (2007) Where Pacino made it feel like 188 minutes and sported a huge bouffant hairstyle which veered between Marie Antoinette and Cruella De Vil.( Available for Panto this December)

    3. The House of Wax (2005) Paris Hilton turns out for this ridiculous remake but it's hard to tell her from the wax dummies as the director shouts frantically from the sidelines 'Keep moving kid we're stock taking'

  • Comment number 90.

    1. Twilight
    2. New Moon
    3. Eclipse.

    Sorry, had to be done. I know alot of other people have probably said this aswell.

  • Comment number 91.

    Well, one of these comes easy, but the other two need some thought.

    Boondock Saints - Because I am absolutely sick of catholic guys at my college calling this atrocious film the best ever made. It's the worst of the post-2000 Pulp Fiction wannabes, and it's only redeeming factor is "Overnight," the enormously engaging documentary about how much of a prick the director was. How great would it be if the film itself were only remembered through that.

    American History X - Not because its really a bad film at all, but just because I really think the themes of the film are horribly muddled, and as it is it serves as "pat yourself on the back" encouragement for white people who don't actually want to confront racism. It's hard to discuss why I don't like it without spoilers, but it's supposedly a film about how its wrong to be racist, but the ending completely ruins it in order for it to be dark and deep. There is a good film about race in there, but it's not on the completed reels, and I would rather it be lost than held up as a one of the best films about race. (The same can go for Falling Down, which simply exploits stereotypes in the goal of being edgy and different)

    Fight Club - Again, not because its bad; in fact it's one of my favorites. The problem is that the film is chronically misunderstood. Instead of realizing it's about the conflict between the inner child and inner adult, people latch on to the things the film is railing against, to the point where I've seen flyers around for real-life "fight clubs." And this in turn makes those who would appreciate the film disregard or ignore it! I think I'd like to have all of the copies of this one hidden in my own attic, so I can share it with people who aren't going to treat it like a machismo-filled "bro" movie.

    That last one makes me sound pretentious as all get-out. I promise I'm not like that in real life.

  • Comment number 92.

    And Boondock Saints came out in 1999. That's embarrassing.

  • Comment number 93.

    Will anyone else here admit to having a momentary fantasy of you leaning out of that attic door just that little bit too far.............

  • Comment number 94.

    @ChrisCordo and @Rourkesdrifter You both really make me laugh! :D I genuinely mean that!

    @Rourkesdrifter your description of The Happening is spot on and hilarious! Whispering Grass he he! And Pacino's hair in 88 minutes! he he!

    @ChrisCordo - I love your theories on Fight Club and your little self deprecating bit at the end - Nice! :D

  • Comment number 95.

    Hi Dr K
    As I see this as a sort of room 101 for films you detest I would like to offer up this appalling threesome.

    At no1, Patch Adams. A very disurbing film about a bizare doctor who attempts to cure terminal illness by using kindness, laughter, and a red clowns nose. This had the opposite effect on me causing me to feel extreme nausea and a longing to beat up a clown.

    At no 2, Dude where's my car? I'll admit I haven't actually watched this movie, but by name alone it serves no particular purpose other than making me mutter bad thoughts under my breath.

    At no 3, Nutty Proffesor 2 (the klumps). This is the only film on this list that I actually saw at the cinema. I remember feeling so embarrassed at having watched this film that I waited untill nearly everybody left the auditorium before I made a quick dash for the exit. Please somebody, bury this film and my secret shame behind it.

  • Comment number 96.

    The thing that strikes me about lost films is how you long to watch them. I've seen a still photo of a 1920's City Under the Sea which has Human Divers surrounded by hundreds of armoured migets and I long to know why and how? Now image finding a still of any of the films mentioned above. Just one still image and trying to work out what the hells the film was about. The 70's King Kong? Hawk the Slayer? Battlefield Earth? Surely that one still could create in your mind the 'Best' movie never made? Like creating a island of dinosaurs from one blood cell in a old mans Amber cane.

  • Comment number 97.

    @joe90andabit:

    "I appreciate what you're doing here Mark, but as I read these lists, and yes these films are seriously flawed on almost every level, I can't help but feel a certain affection for them, for without fodder like this I would have missed out on so many wonderfully shared moments of horror and disbelief. Almost thirty years on, friends of mine and I still chuckle about the night we saw Battlestar Galactica. Collectively we have watched this beast three or four times since to revel in the memories and to remind ourselves of its absurdity. Would you take this joy away from us? You are a cruel man indeed."

    Yeah, it's a good thing that this is just an exercise and not an actual scenario because, thinking particularly as somebody who grew up on Mystery Science Theater episodes, terrible movies have their place and function just as much as the good ones do. You have to know how terrible things can be to truly appreciate good cinema.

    Then there's that whole issue of one man's trash being another's treasure, etc., because clearly not everybody's sensibilities are the same. For example, I hate The Boondock Saints with a passion, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life and the viewing experience has clung to me for years. There is not a single redeeming thing about that movie, it is stupid beyond fathom and has it's head stuck so far up it's backside it looks like a more anal-centric depiction of Ouroboros. But some people adore it.
    On the other hand, one person above suggested we wipe eXistenZ off the face of the Earth. eXistenZ! I would be hoarding copies of that movie if this ever really went into effect.

    Still, it always feels good to get a particularly horrible movie (Boondock Saints) out of your (Boondock) system and I can't fault people for responding to that. :)

  • Comment number 98.

    Giving this question more serious consideration, I have decided that there is too much garbage on the planet to wipe out in three picks. Instead, I suggest a much more constructive list:

    1) Dune
    2) The Brothers Grimm
    3) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

    Three black marks on the records of otherwise excellent directing careers. I think Fincher has had a few more misses but Button is downright banal and it would do his career good to be rid of it, Oscars be darned.

    But my Michael Bay offer still stands.

  • Comment number 99.

    Okay here we go:

    Blow -It represents everything that's bad about Hollywood. I has NO voice of it's own. It had lots of money poured into it and all the director has done is rip-off Scorsese's Goodfellas very, very badly! Essentially: a lack of vision and an overload of resource is the death of creative filmmaking. If the film was "lost" it would be a great message to studio execs.

    Caravaggio - Derek Jarman's film about the artist. It was screened during my film school days and never have I seen so many serious film enthusiasts leave a cinema screening so quickly. The movie may be "a masterpiece" but if you cannot hold a viewer's attention long enough to present your ideas with sound and image you've failed! Full-stop no debates!!! You may have the greatest story ever told but if you bore everyone... no one would listen!

    It's a Wonderful Afterlife - Gurinder Chadah's grand effort to sink any hope of British Asian Cinema being taken seriously!!!!

    Dear oh dear!

    "The Curry Killer?????????"

    Thanks Gurinder!



  • Comment number 100.

    1. Disaster Movie - Still the only movie I've ever walked out of in my life. I usually stay to the bitter end cause I did pay good money to see a film. However, I would happily pay the same amount to never see the first 30 minutes of Disaster Movie ever again. It was gut-wrenching, deplorable garbage that no human should ever have to suffer ever again. LOSE IT! I snapped at the "chipmunks having a seizure" scene. Perhaps the single worst scene in motion picture history.

    2. Sex and The City - A hideous car crash of a movie that wasn't just an excruciating movie, but also a personal insult to every hard-working, decent woman that's ever lived. Though this may be a tricky one, cause nobody in their right mind would even want the film prints stinking up their attics. Every copy would have to be burned. I know what you're thinking: What about effects on global warming? All those fumes from burning celluloid? It's worth it! A horrible, vile movie about disgustingly rich, fake women who consume EVERYTHING.

    3. Sex and The City 2 - See above and times one hundred.

 

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