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A Transformers Christmas Doohicky

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Mark Kermode | 11:45 UK time, Thursday, 24 December 2009

He knows if you've been good or bad.

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  • Comment number 1.

    Not much else to say other than that was hilarious!

  • Comment number 2.

    Cheers Mark, that was quality!

  • Comment number 3.

    Dear lord, it physically assaults his intellect!

  • Comment number 4.

    Merry Christmas to you too! :D

  • Comment number 5.

    I had to buy that film for my sister for christmas and it made me sick to have give money over to the makers of that film. I still find it hard to believe that she genuinely enjoyed the film and was crying when it looked like shia labouf was about to die.

  • Comment number 6.

    I have asked for neither DVD this Christmas! I'm looking forward to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in glorious Blu-ray hopefully!
    Merry Christmas Dr K

  • Comment number 7.

    Dr K, don't worry. I have your copy of Bride Wars when ever you want to come and pick it up.

  • Comment number 8.

    So who purchased Terminator Salvation and Transformers in order to make that little clip?

    You do realise you have funded terrorism, and McG and Bay will continue to bomb us with even more souless sequels.

    How do you sleep at night Mr. Kermode.

  • Comment number 9.

    All well and good Dr K, but I'd be careful with saying "If I see 10 movies worse than this" in 2010.

    Apart from a few films that might live up to promise (Inception, Daybreakers, Shutter Island, Invictus, Green Zone, Bad Lieutenant) there's a whole slew of sequels and remakes (inc. Nightmare On Elm Street & Predator) and some stuff that looks truly awful such as Legion and Kick-Ass.

    Given your recent musings you'll really dislike Piranha 3-D, Alice In Wonderland 3-D, Toy Story 3-D, StreetDance 3-D, Friday the 13th Pt 2 in 3D etc etc. Films that weren't intended to be 3D (Robin Hood, Iron Man) now look as if they'll also end up in 3D, just because they don't want to miss out.

    Oh, and George Lucas is threatening to remaster all six Star Wars movies into 3D and re-release them whilst Cameron is talking about doing the same with Terminator 2 and Titanic.

    Lets hope some little gems slip through to reach us too.

    Happy Christmas.

  • Comment number 10.

    We've had a Tulip Bubble, a South Sea Bubble, a Stock Market Bubble, a DotCom Bubble, a Housing Bubble ... are we now looking at a 3D Bubble? I may not be an economist, but this smells like one to me. I expect Mr. Cameron will be OK, because he got in early, but I think a few folks are going to lose their shirts over this, and the whole thing will fall ... flat.

  • Comment number 11.

    My Christmas dream has become a reality.....
    Michael Bay and McG roasting on an open fire.

    Fan-bloomin'-tastic :)

    Like many people, I'm looking forward to unwrapping 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs', and hopefully, the Jan Svankmajer boxset (However, I doubt many people have asked for that one!)

    Merry Christmas Dr. K :)

  • Comment number 12.

    and hes got an axe!

  • Comment number 13.

    that was init leg man! i still would of liked terminator but transformers i could have reacted like you- though i would have kept the dvd and sold it. get a bit of grand old dosh init!

  • Comment number 14.

    I'd recommend sitting down with a cup of mulled wine and the exorcist to help you get over those horrific presents.
    Merry Christmas Dr k!

  • Comment number 15.


    Someone on YouTube accused you of being a failed actor turned film critic! That's harsh - at least you're not Michael Bay who's a failed film director turned rich, famous and failed film director. Besides, we all know that short clip demonstrates more directorial ability in your pinky, than Mr. Bay, though that may just be down to your MASSIVE HA- nah, we should stop that now - it's Christmas.

    Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah, Dr Kermode.

  • Comment number 16.

    Absolutely heartbreaking.

    The look of disappointment as the festive wrappings fell away had me fighting back the tears.

    "Gawd bless us every one", said Tiny Mark.

  • Comment number 17.

    Almost like the time my Father bought me Dune because I told him I liked Blue Velvet....oh the tears.

    Rob x

  • Comment number 18.

    THRILLED to hear you too chose 'Let the right one in' as your film of the year. Undoubtedly mine also, and now in my top 4 of all time (having previously been a top 3 for a long time).

    I think I always knew deep down that my film collection was in desperate need of some pre-teen swedish vampire horror drama. Yeah. Thank god that film came when it did, don't know what I would have done.



  • Comment number 19.

    If you don't want Transformers 2 I'll take it (anything to get my hands on something that's touched the quiff of gold) also I don't think father christmas is going to put Megan Fox in my christmas stocking this year :(

  • Comment number 20.

    Merry Christmas from the States Mark! Totally agree with how bad of a gift those movies would make. It could be worse though! Could've gotten a copy of Bride Wars.

  • Comment number 21.

    Superb really are a leg-end!

  • Comment number 22.

    Having just watch your review of films 2009 on bbc news, i am shocked that you have a job. 'i will quit if you find 10 movies worse than bride wars' you dont like any big action movies so you should quit!!! no one would miss you

  • Comment number 23.

    You must have been very bad to be given those for Christmas, at least a lump of coal would keep you warm for a few minutes. Unless somebody misunderstood your request for a could of turkeys for Christmas.

    I'm pleased that there weren't too many bad films this year, I'd miss the wittertainment and recommendations for films that might not have appeared on my radar.

    Have a Merry Christmas.

  • Comment number 24.

    Oops, that should have been "a couple of turkeys"

  • Comment number 25.

    Bad times with Christmas turkey there- hope you got a healthy helping of good DVDs in your stocking too, Dr.K. Incidentally, where do you stand on blu-ray? I don't think you've mentioned before.
    I'm currently enjoying my Christmas morning and planning how best to watch my haul of Slumdog Millionaire, Frost/Nixon, Moon, Inglourious Basterds, Star Trek and Reservoir Dogs over the holidays. Merry Christmas!

  • Comment number 26.

    Struck me just now that the tune is quite catchy.
    Anyone care to enlighten me as to its title and performing artists?

  • Comment number 27.

    Now this is smashing lol. These are really damaging films. Merry Christmas Dr. Kermode. By the way, I hope that you can now sleep safely knowing that you just have 6 days left until you will have won your bet about 10 films worse than Bride Wars. let us all hope that the next year's moviegoing experience will be more intellectually chalenging and also emotionally more engaging than some cold metal robots hitting each other. A merry Christmas to you Dr. K.

  • Comment number 28.

    You are right, Santa does know if you have been good or bad.

    I know a critic who has been bad this year, not so much for over-praising Star Trek (which was bad enough), but for putting his
    fans through unnecessary angst that he might quit on a whim. I have a feeling that you never really intended to quit and I rather think (from the way you, Mayo and Isaacs have characterized Professor Williams) your other half would have had a lot to say about such a unilateral decision. Your Christmas goose would have been well and truly cooked.

    I have a wild theory the threat might have been a way of getting back at your employer after the tawdry Audry business when you appeared to have been made to issue a half apology over comments made about Mademoiselle Tautou. But if you had have quit they probably would have just filled your place with the same amount of care and forethought that they used when selecting Jonathan Ross for the big chair. But for now it seems, film criticism (on radio, at least) is safe in your copious hands.

    Of course I could be completely barking up the wrong tree. I might have also been wrong about Sean Connery being the proposed but abortive mystery guest at the Edinburgh Film Festival show but I never saw a denial about that.

    So that's two for two, then ;-)

    Merry Crimbo

    P.S. What's so difficult about B-flat? Real musicians should be able to play in any key.

  • Comment number 29.

    What no X Men Origins: Walverine, which is as bigger crime against humanity as Transformers 2 story and pacing wise and is an even bigger insult to comic fans than Salvation is to Terminator fans. What make it even worse is that it had much worse special effects than either both other films.

  • Comment number 30.

    I don't know which was funnier, the thought of you actually getting those DVDs for Christmas for real, or the hilariously bad acting which I assumed was purposely done as a comment on the performances in said films................Oh

    Keep up the day job Mark! Happy Holidays to you and Mrs K.

  • Comment number 31.

    Absolutely off topic regarding this post but how do you feel about the state of UK cinema chains.

    Frankly it seems to me that a major player like Odeon is unnacceptably overcharging for ticket prices compared to Vue and Cineworld for adult tickets. Generally Odeon's premier seats are the exact same seats as the seats you get as standard at any Cineworld or Vue but even the standard seats at Odeon, which are far more uncomfortable, cost more money than those at Cineworld/Vue.

    Let's break it down:

    Sherlock Holmes - 20:00 - 26/12/09

    Odeon Premier - £8.30
    Odeon Standard - £7.30
    Cineworld - £7.20
    Vue - £6.95

    Now to the much loved 3D

    Avatar 3D - 19.00 - 26/12/09

    Odeon Premier - £10.55!
    Odeon Standard - £9.55
    Cineworld - £9.10
    Vue - £8.70

    Now i know that you have commented on the stupidity of paying more money for the same film having compared the prices of the 3D and 2D version of Avatar before but don't you find it unnacceptable that Odeon seem to be charging more for the exact same film.

    Either Odeon are taking the Michael or they have employed personalized butlers to serve you cheese and wine whenever you please during the course of the film.

  • Comment number 32.

    "He knows if you've been good or bad"?

    Surely that should be "He knows if you've been bad or good", shouldn't it?

    I'll get me coat.

    Merry Christmas, Mark.

    Steve W

  • Comment number 33.

    Following up on my previous comment i just spoke to somebody who used to work at an Odeon cinema and he said that they only give student discount Monday-Thursday rather than Vue/Cineworld who give it everyday of the week. This adds coal to the proverbial fire.

  • Comment number 34.

  • Comment number 35.

    Success. The only DVD I was given for Christmas was Clint Eastwood's excellent Gran Torino. It was given to me by my cousin, and she said it was pot luck, but what luck! The one film I've been wanting to watch again recently, and I didn't even mention this to anyone.

  • Comment number 36.

    Okay, we get it you hate transformers 2.

  • Comment number 37.


    The tune is the magnificent Dodge Brothers and an instrumental rendition of the track 42 Days, to be found on their fabulous album Louisa and the Devil...

    btw Mark plays double bass, sings, and blows harp.

  • Comment number 38.

    Mcg and Bay both use the same wrapping paper, what a coincidence! They also have the same handwriting! Shit minds must think alike!

  • Comment number 39.

    Wow end 2009 on an interesting note.

    Michael Bay was asked if he'd make any 3D films. His response:
    "I prefer the flat screen. I'm not jumping to do 3-D at all-it's a pain in the neck to shoot it and I actually like the flat image. I've heard that some people can't even see 3-D and, moreover, that a major side effect of watching it is feeling exhausted. Can you imagine how you'd feel watching one of my movies in 3-D?"

    There's hope yet.

  • Comment number 40.

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to the Good Doctor. May your 2010 not be filled with horrible sequels, or new McGeeeee films. If only they were all as good as Moon, Up, or Star Trek XI.

    Of course, I would selfishly hope that 2010 *is* filled with terrible films, just so we can enjoy watching you rant and rave. I suddenly have this vision of the Bride Wars franchise doing "Bride Wars 2: Battle of the Baby Showers", and then the straight-to-DVD sequel, "Bride Wars 3: Days of Divorce".

    But, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Your blood pressure probably wouldn't take it.

    All the best, Mark. Thanks for making 2009 highly enjoyable and entertaining.

  • Comment number 41.

    The mighty Baron Michael Of Bay is quoted as saying "It's easy to go shoot an art movie in a winery in the South of France. But people have no idea how hard it is to create something like Transformers." To which the only logical response is "well, why don't you go make an art movie in the South of France then?"

    And now, a request: Could the good Doctor please ensure his 2010 holidays don't include February 12? It's been a long time since his legendary Sir Anthony Hopkins impression and I'd hate for the release of The Wolfman to fall to one of the standins. I'd let him take May 28 off, though, that's Sex And The City II week and I couldn't be that cruel.

    Happy New Year, Dr K. May 2010 contain only nine films worse than Bride Wars.

  • Comment number 42.

    Actually, this being a film blog and all, shouldn't the Santa know if you've been good or bad, or ... ugly? :D Just a thought.

  • Comment number 43.

    Shame Transformers 3 isn't out for Christmas!

  • Comment number 44.

    It'll be interesting to see how the Doc responds to Transformers: Dark Of The Moon; he hates Transformers movies, but loves movies involving the Moon.


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