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Paper Monitor

13:54 UK time, Tuesday, 13 September 2011

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There are people who always try and avoid being judgemental, lest they be judged. Those people do not become newspaper columnists.

The art of being a columnist is going into your glass house, building a mangonel and firing through the roof. Columnists really don't care what you think about them.

Vanessa Feltz is doing some judging today in the Daily Express. She steams into Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' childcare techniques, namely the way they dress their five-year-old.

"She's lamb dressed as mutton, a child adorned like a wealthy middle-aged woman."

Right, OK. And then there's some more judgement on Victoria Beckham, pictured yesterday wearing extremely high stiletto heels while carrying her baby.

Some might think that despite the alarming look of the photos, La Beckham is fairly confident she's not going to fall and hurt the baby. Not Feltz.

"She puts her baby in danger of being fallen on or hurled into the air should she trip. Not pretty, not sexy, not attractive in the least."

Ouch.

But it's not just a question of judging, you also have to give details about your innermost thoughts to be a columnist.

Take Coleen Nolan's problem column in the Daily Mirror.

One correspondent writes that he has always had a thing for a nurse's uniform but fears his partner will break up with him.

She replies: "My husband Ray loves a uniform and that just came out when we were watching telly one night, so then I was able to ask him more about it."

Er, thanks for that.

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