A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
As you've probably guessed by now, Paper Monitor did not win the EuroMillions jackpot. As much as this job is the pinnacle of any career in journalism, if £161.6m landed in the bank account it would be time to buy a newspaper empire - not write about them.
Fear not, dear reader, it did not happed. But the big question in the papers today is who did scoop the giant jackpot and, perhaps more pressingly, how to fill the column inches until they claim it.
The Sun has a handy guide to help readers spot if a neighbour is the winner:
One giveaway might be if a mega-bucks YACHT turned up on their driveway.
Another would be if a van pulled up and a bloke was seen carrying Leonardo da Vinci's painting the MONA LISA through the door.
A third clue might be US star BEYONCE arriving to sing in the front room - a snip at £750,000 an hour.
The Daily Mail goes for a classic space filler - the jackpot by numbers. Paper Monitor is always a fan of pointless measurements and today it is really spoiling us.
- 311 - miles £161.6m in £50 notes would cover if laid end to end, and the distance between London and Land's End
- 3.5 Big Bens - height of a stack of these £50 notes
- 1,738 tons - weight of £161.6m in £1 coins, the equivalent of 377 African elephants
The Daily Express features Adam and Naphtalia Derbi, who are celebrating wining £1m in the same EuroMillions draw.
However life-changing the money is for the couple from Cardiff, who have five children, it seems like small change in comparison to the jackpot. In any other week going from a cash-strapped taxi driver to millionaire overnight would be a great story. This week you're just space filler.
In a bizarre twist on the usual state of affairs, it's the Daily Star that takes the most serious approach, roping in the editor of Which? Money to give advice to the mystery winner. It includes setting up trust funds for loved ones, building a property portfolio and getting independent tax advice.
No puns, no boobs, just proper advice. That might come as more of a surprise to the winner than the actual money.