A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor likes occasionally to pass on the celebrity
tittle-tattle news, which it knows you like to read but are probably too ashamed to ferret out.
Paper Monitor has no such shame, but it doesn't feel right to intrude on the celebs' privacy by actually naming the people in question.
So here is the celebrity news without the monikers...
Starting in the Daily Mail, the foul-mouthed TV chef is on the front page. He has a "puffed-up face" and the Mail is convinced it's a side effect of his recent hair transplant.
In news from the beach, the paper draws attention to a very appropriately-named DJ, married to a former "ladette" and describes "tummy spilling over a garish pair of multi-coloured beach shorts.
And it devotes a whole page to the burning question of how the talent show presenter who used to be married to the much older light entertainer is hiding her baby bump.
In the Sun, the blonde one from the erstwhile girl group with the punning name is apparently going to marry her DJ boyfriend. They also find room for the "puff pasty chef".
The eight-year-old son of the footballer who is mysteriously-loved-by-the-masses is a style icon himself, the paper notes.
In the Daily Mirror, the front cover is dominated by a picture of the one from EastEnders who has a younger sister who is also an actress. She's lost three-and-a-half stone.
And the one from the erstwhile girl group with the punning name, who has split up with a rather good but disliked footballer, is reported to be planning meditation on a mountain to cheer her up.
And in the Daily Star? Well, all of the above.