A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The Daily Mail wants to alert you to something horrific that happened last night.
This terrible event happened at the finale of the X Factor.
"Parents were left horrified at provocative performances by Christina Aguilera and Rihanna on the X Factor."
There were "revealing outfits and racy content". Aguilera "writhed" surrounded by dancers in "raunchy costumes".
Jan Moir also wades in in a piece entitled: "We didn't need sex-crazed nymphs before the watershed."
Images of scantily-clad females displayed to young folk before the watershed are wrong. The Mail has to illustrate this point with some images of scantily-clad females.
The picture of Aguilera and her dancers is 5.5in (14cm) by 4in (10cm). She gets on the front too. The picture of Rihanna "in a strapless bra and a pair of knickers for absolutely no good reason at all" is displayed at 3.5in (9cm) by 12in (30.5cm). Her décolletage along is about 2in (5cm) across.
As far as Paper Monitor is aware, the Daily Mail is available before the watershed.
The Daily Star pursues a similar line, helping anybody playing tabloidese bingo by cramming "raunchy", "cavorted" and "gyrated" into the same short article. All you need is "romped" and you could shout "house".
Popping back to the Mail for a moment and there is a glorious use of a throwaway parenthesis. A piece about a young blonde Russian lady, who allegedly has links to Russian intelligence, briefly working for the BBC, contains a belter. It notes she is "known to wear short skirts around Westminster".
It's all grist to the mill of trying to make her seem a modern Mata Hari, a kind of Latter Hari, if you will.