A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Mr and Mrs Rooney will be grateful to be off the tabloid front pages for the first time in weeks.
Help has come from an unlikely quarter - the imprisonment of singer George Michael, which caught many commentators by surprise.
His first night in Pentonville Prison has the tabs scrambling for evidence of how he is settling into his new home.
The Sun and the Star emphasise how "tough" life is in this particular prison, which might come as some surprise to their readers, who are constantly being told how indulged inmates are these days.
The Sun quotes an "insider" and a "source" who explained that Michael was greeted with cruel taunts from his new neighbours singing lyrics from songs like "Freedom" and "Faith".
Apparently Michael realised he had hit rock bottom when, as part of his prison induction, he had to answer the question: "If Peter had four apples and Paul had three, how many apples would there be in total?"
His 25-year back-catalogue gives the sub-editors plenty of punning mileage - some clever, some distasteful, some just rubbish, like "CLUB TRAP-A-CANER"
Monitor note: A "caner" is defined on urban dictionary as one who smokes much marijuana.
If only they had been as inspired as Magazine readers who paid homage this week to the long-departed Punorama.