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Paper Monitor

11:34 UK time, Thursday, 2 September 2010

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Don't be fooled by yesterday's relatively earnest assessment of the Blair memoirs, Paper Monitor is the sort of biography browser who heads straight for the glossy pictures section in the middle of such books, then furiously scanning the index for juicy subjects.... before finally replacing the tome on the bookshop shelf and picking up a packet of mints instead.

Thankfully, the papers are of a similar mindset so there's plenty of coverage of titillating titbits in today's editions.

The Sun tells us Mr Blair consulted none other than Sir Alex Ferguson about how best to deal with a "really difficult but brilliant player" in his cabinet squad.

Ever uncompromising, Fergie replied: "Get rid of them."

Had Mr Blair followed the advice and given his then chancellor the "Paul Ince treatment", perhaps the British public would have been spared the on-going soap opera between New Labour's Big Time Charlies?

Shuddering past a story describing the ex-PM as an "animal in the bedroom", detailing a failed teenage fumble and comments on affairs despite no suggestion he ever had one, Paper Monitor's eyes meet the headline: "He's potty over toilets".

A toilet

A toilet... yesterday

Ah, the great British obsession. You have to hand it to both Mr Blair and the Sun, they know where the electorate's interests really lie.

In a reversal of convention, it turns out it was wife Cherie who was on her knees when Mr Blair proposed. She had just finished cleaning the loo.

The Daily Mirror helpfully provides a generic image of a toilet, lest we forget what one looks like, and regurgitates the ex-PM's passion for the smallest room in the house:

I like to have time and comfort in the loo. The bathroom is important and I couldn't live in a culture that doesn't respect it.

Did Mr Blair never share digs when a long-haired, guitar-strumming student, Paper Monitor wonders?

A Journey's real nuggets deal with celebrity, however.

Describing Bono, Mr Blair writes that the U2 frontman "could have been a president or prime minister standing on his head".

He might have had a "natural gift for politicking" but the Independent's High Street Ken diarist notes that Bono's "national and tax arrangements" would preclude him from leading a UK party.

A shame, ponders Paper Monitor, for he might have livened up Labour's leadership contest.

Full marks to the hacks at the Times who have dug out Mr Blair's opinions on all manner of rich and famous folk.

Kevin Spacey is a "really fun guy", Steven Spielberg "actually rather modest" and David Beckham "a complete pro".

But perhaps the most delightful image is that of the Queen, who Mr Blair describes clearing up his dinner plate to take off to the sink after a barbecue at Balmoral.

Paper Monitor wonders which brand of washing up liquid gets the Royal approval.

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