A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
It's the start of awards season, when the twitchers of fashion emerge from their short hibernation to cast a gimlet eye over the red carpet hits and misses.
This is not a game for amateurs. You may think Penelope Cruz looks very fetching in that mermaidy frock, as does Joan-from-Mad-Men in her, er, pink dress.
But it takes a professional to really nail such observations. And not just for their grasp of the many and varied shades of pink. "Joan's" dress, for example, is actually "apricot sorbet", says the Guardian. A very 2010 shade, apparently.
But Liz Jones, of the Daily Mail, doesn't like it one bit, thinking her hourglass curves need more support. Judge for yourself in the photo above.
Nor can the experts agree on who deserves the gong for Best Dressed in Show. (Again, judge for yourself in the photo above.) For the Mail, it's Penelope.
"She looks undeniably, unforgettably Spanish, in a lace and chiffon vintage gown by Armani Prive."
The Guardian begs to differ - her black dress is "pointlessly fussy" with its lace top, "bodycon" (that's body conscious to the fashion unconscious) middle and "flamenco fishtail hem".
For the Independent - which adds to Paper Monitor's lexicon of pink with Maggie Gyllenhaal in "salmon" and Emily Blunt in "candyfloss" - the winner is Drew Barrymore in a 1930s-inspired dress.
"[She] demonstrated the understated hair and make-up and a healthy figure just can't be outshone."
The Guardian also praises Drew's "pitch-perfect" dress with its "on trend" pastel shade (is it pink? Paper Monitor is not qualified to say) and classic shape.
"The sparkly squirrels' tails at the shoulder and the hip are a curveball, but somehow they work. Lovely."
Sparkly squirrels' tails? Now that's a technical term Paper Monitor can do business with. Say what you see, fashion folk, say what you see.
So does the Mail like this much-praised ensemble? Not a bit of it - "Drew Barrymore looks bald, and far too washed out".
Ms Jones prefers Sandra Bullock's purple number - "pretty in a Quality Street sweet wrapper sort of way". The Indy, by contrast, sniffs that the only accolade it deserves is "greatest similarity to cheap confectionary".
Mmm. What with this comparison and the news about Cadbury's, Paper Monitor has a hankering for chocolate.