A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
As you read this, Paper Monitor has just finished digesting page three of the Sun through the fingers of hands that were hurriedly put over eyes in horror. It's not a good way to start the day, but it's Gordon Ramsay's description of how he sometimes starts his day that is the problem.
Talking about his "year from hell", he mentions his wife and how they have coped after he was accused of having an affair behind her back - something he denies. It starts off sweetly enough.
"She's brilliant. That hurricane made us incredibly closer."
But quickly enters the "too-much-information" stage.
"Her buttocks are so firm it's like clinging to a six-pack. She has the bum of an 18-year-old. I woke up the other day and she was doing buttock-clenching exercises."
Note to Gordon, please don't follow the route of telling us about how great your sex life is at every opportunity to try and convince us you are happy together. We're not interested, even if the Sun thinks we are.
Another thing we're not going to dwell too long on is Amy Winehouse's new boobs, but they are in most papers today - making the front page of the Daily Mail. It says she turned up late for the Q Awards in London, slurred her words and was rude.
Sounds as if she could have made it into the Sun's "Binge Britain" series. Day Two and the focus is still firmly on young women. The newest member of the "drunk girl" club is a young student in Sheffield, pictured being arrested for stealing a policeman's hat.
But just as Paper Monitor predicted, Drunker Girl is now the official face of female debauchery in the UK. After her debut in the papers last week, she returns today. Get used to those pants, they're here to stay.