A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Halfway down the stairs is a stair where I sit.
There isn't any other stair quite like it.
It's not at the bottom, it's not at the top...
If this charming little ditty takes you, like Paper Monitor, straight back to childhood (ah, rice pudding, a paisley eiderdown, and climbing the twisty willow outside the window... sorry, where was I?) then perhaps today's Matt cartoon in the Daily Telegraph will make you first snort, then stop short.
A boy and a teddy bear stand, hands on hips, scrutinising a piglet in a stripy jumper. The little pig, oblivious, lets out an almighty sneeze. And it is captioned: "Christopher Robin and Pooh decide to have Piglet put down."
The Sun goes for the headline "First Mexico, now... PIGS 'ERE". Do you see what they did there? If not, the Daily Mirror spells it out with their own rather more prosaic take - "SWINE FLU IS HERE" - and the Daily Express's "KILLER FLU: IT IS HERE".
And in the Times, a couple - both in blue surgical masks - share a kiss (by the by, ER is in the midst of its final scrub up).
The Daily Star, meanwhile, reports that Danielle Bux has been bitten by the cooking bug and wants to open a gastropub with fiancé Gary Lineker. Yes, she who tried to pass off a professional chef's ravioli as her own on Hell's Kitchen. Which should stand her in good stead should the pub dream come to pass...
And finally, the Telegraph is in clover, drooling over the finely turned ankles of a pair of nicely brought-up fillies - Carla Bruni Sarkozy and Princess Letizia of Spain. "Has Carla met her match?" asks the paper, above a photo of the pair walking up stairs in near-identical figure-hugging dresses and heels. Oh, and another snap of them kissing.
Nor can the Daily Mail resist such temptation, opting for near-identical photos and a very similar headline.