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The Arsenal. Love 'em, hate 'em or feel indifference towards football in general, those boys can certainly kick a ball about. And Arsene Wenger, he is quite the blacksmith when it comes to forging team bonds.
So perhaps the secrets of Wenger's pep talks might help to encourage the team at Monitor Towers to pull together - specifically that disgruntled PA, miffed at Punorama's extended stint on the subs bench (see Monday's Paper Monitor). And perhaps then start passing on those calls from agents, reality TV casting directors, Heat magazine and Collins dictionary that Paper Monitor has obviously been missing.
Handily, the Guardian has got its hands on the relentlessly motivational handout Arsenal players pore over on those long nights in Bolton hotels.
"The word 'team' appears 12 times," the paper's Sport section notes. The illustration depicts Wenger in front of an overhead projector (quaint!) beaming his tips for the top onto a locker-room wall.
Our team becomes stronger by:
- Always want more - always give more
- Stick together
- Show the desire to win in all that you do etc etc
Right, Team Monitor. Let's all "make the right decisions for the team", as Wenger might say.
And maybe the next time the producers of Hole in the Wall call, they will get through (a gameshow the Times quite marvellously has dubbed "Celebrity Schadenfreude"). Paper Monitor has always fancied a dunking while wearing too-tight silver Lyrca.