A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
When so much is going on in a news story, it's often easy to lose sight of what really matters. Take Britain's frosty relationship with Russia. With daily twists including murder, spy planes and expelled diplomats, it easy to forget the important questions we should be asking ourselves. Will it escalate? Who's to blame? Who's got the best boobs?
The Sun has the later covered. It's asking readers to decide who's the winner in the "cold phwoarr" with Russia. According to the paper it's a "war on two fronts" and the owner of the UK's two fronts is Page Three favourite Keeley. She says Russian President Vladimir Putin has a "ruddy cheek" sending spy planes our way. The owner of Russia's fronts is Kristina. She just thinks Putin is "great to look at". In Paper Monitor's humble opinion, the UK wins hands down when it comes to boobs and brains in that little contest.
If that head-to-head leaves you wanting to know more about the situation, a more serious double-paged analysis - albeit illustrated with cartoon-style images of nuclear bombs, fighter jets and troops - is buried on page 16 and 17 of the paper. Very Boys' Own.
Sex even makes it onto page three of the Times today. The whole page is devoted to the UK National Sexual Health survey and one finding in particular - that people over 60 actually have a sex life. Much of the debate is about whether the sex older people have is penetrative or just a sexually-orientated cuddle. Thankfully the Times illustrates the piece with a naked older couple having a sexually-orientated cuddle, rather than, well, you know...
The Sun runs the story as well - it's on page 35 and condensed into six paragraphs. The headline reads "romps galore for the over sexties" and it's written by David Mertens, who kindly put his age - 61. Do you think he's boasting or is simply open to invitations?