A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Sex, sex, sex and secrets - it's all laid bare. The Daily Telegraph continues in its proud tradition of plastering an attractive - yet just demure enough - gel across its front page, with page three devoted to a follow-up article.
Can it be... Keira Knightley? No, not this time. Princess Beatrice? Wrong! Kate? Neither Middleton nor Moss. Shilpa Shetty? Sort of (see below).
Give up? It's Margie Geddes, long thought to be just friends with John Betjeman - who famously noted that his one regret in life was "not enough sex" - who was in fact "just friends" with the former Poet Laureate. For two decades!
Perhaps as evidence that women's attention makes men more attractive, the pair began their affair in 1960, while "Betj" was married and conducting another liaison.
Further secrets are revealed a few pages on - quads crowded in a womb, cheek by jowl, filmed in special scans smiling and interacting with each other. How they find the room, Paper Monitor will never know.
And the Independent makes the so-very-wrong decision to reveal what Michael Winner wears on the beach during his annual escape to the Caribbean. Paper Monitor can bring itself to say little more than the dread phrase low-slung boxer shorts.
PS: Now that Celebrity Big Brother has become an international incident, the Telegraph wades in with a full page report on the alleged racism in the house. Unsurprisingly, in its profiles of the main players, the paper knows somewhat more about the fragrant and middle class Shilpa than of Jade, detailing her dress sense ("raunchy - by Indian standards"), her film career (not such great box office after all) and her parentage (both models... go figure).
And the TV editor details the alleged racist incidents for those Telegraph readers who may have been writing angry letters to Radio 4, or reading an instructive book, at the time. Perhaps rather too fearful for their sensibilities, he recounts that Jade's boyfriend Jack "referred to Shilpa as a '****', not a 'paki'." A what?