A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor, as regular readers know, is nothing if not health conscious. And vain.
After a morning spent munching strawberries and salad leaves (to keep dementia at bay) and walnuts (to keep potency at full thrust), Paper Monitor has spent the past few minutes in doleful contemplation of its knees.
For there are parts of the body where no amount of healthy living can reverse the effects of ageing. Just as Madonna has the body of teenager but the hands of a grandmother [copyright: Daily Mail], saggy knees have blighted actress Demi Moore. Until now.
The paper says that thanks to a £5,000 "knee-lift" 43-year-old Demi has a pair of knees worthy of stepping out with her 28-year-old husband Ashton Kutcher. Would such an operation be worth the money? Well, yes, if the grainy pictures are to be believed.
Speaking of 80s icons, has Dirty Dancing aged as gracefully as Demi? The reviews are in for the West End musical of the coming-of-age chick-flick, and it has translated itself literally from screen to stage with not a "No one puts Baby in the corner" or "I carried a watermelon" line dropped.
"Even the leads appear to have been cast for their physical similarity to the original stars," says the Guardian's reviewer.
Surgery and summer fruits aside, perhaps the best way to fight ageing is to replicate oneself altogether?