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Blessed's Battle Cry? Imprison the beardy imposter!

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Henry Tudor | 11:57 UK time, Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Brian Blessed's Battle CryWho's this beardy imposter? Doesn't he know that impersonating the King is high treason!

Just give me five minutes in the Tower with that shouty tosser and I'll shove a vuvuzela so far up his jacksy he'll need a whole army to pull it out. And it won't just be his nostrils that are stretched wide - I'll tell you that much.

I knew this was a bad time to go on holiday. I told Catherine - "If you think I'm missing a whole summer of sport stuck in some crappy caravan by the sea you're cruising for a divorce." Or worse. But she got all moody and said she'd go without me. And last time I was left on my own I got my head stuck in the microwave so what choice did I have?

Bugger it, here she comes now with a bucket and spade. No! I don't want to go once more unto the beach. There's nothing to do and the sand gets in my codpiece. Maybe I can fake sunstroke and get down the pub by three. Come on England!

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Join Henry VIII on his Tudor Holiday from next week here on bbc.co.uk/comedy. In the meantime, why not catch up with the first series of Henry 8.0?

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