Blessed's Battle Cry? Imprison the beardy imposter!
Just give me five minutes in the Tower with that shouty tosser and I'll shove a vuvuzela so far up his jacksy he'll need a whole army to pull it out. And it won't just be his nostrils that are stretched wide - I'll tell you that much.
I knew this was a bad time to go on holiday. I told Catherine - "If you think I'm missing a whole summer of sport stuck in some crappy caravan by the sea you're cruising for a divorce." Or worse. But she got all moody and said she'd go without me. And last time I was left on my own I got my head stuck in the microwave so what choice did I have?
Bugger it, here she comes now with a bucket and spade. No! I don't want to go once more unto the beach. There's nothing to do and the sand gets in my codpiece. Maybe I can fake sunstroke and get down the pub by three. Come on England!
Join Henry VIII on his Tudor Holiday from next week here on bbc.co.uk/comedy. In the meantime, why not catch up with the first series of Henry 8.0?