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Tim Key's new opponent: No More Women

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Lucy McDermott | 10:30 UK time, Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Tim Key Writes:

Tim KeyMy name is Tim Key. Awful. In this game of No More Women it's a bit of a "something a little bit different" situation. My usual opponent Mark Watson - a sort of very thin version of what he would look like if he put on a bit of weight - was unable to compete (personal problems). So Alex Horne the gap-toothed father and sometime commentator stepped into the breach and Mark Watson (personal problems) watched.

The key to playing someone like Horne is not to underestimate him. Easier said than done though since over the years, as we have developed the game, Horne has proved himself to be dreadful at it. Pitiful. Though he has grown up with the game and is a veteran of over one hundred contests it is very striking that he has no clear idea of what he is doing or why he is doing it or whether he's doing it right. The result is a fuzz of celebs and ill-thought-out definitions. I hate it.

There's a school of thought that says that all of this is a show. That Horne is presenting a veneer of stupidity behind which lays a smart, cute, analytical brain, plotting his opponent's downfall. Always appearing docile. Always scheming; craftily looking for openings. No, it isn't that. He's just awful at the game.

I went on his stag night a couple of years ago. We went to Budapest. He dressed up as a cricketer and bowed deeply whenever he met a stranger. One of our friends got in trouble with the police because he climbed onto a small building and jumped off into the street.  Aye, that was a good weekend.

My victory - I don't think it necessarily spoils things to say that I won; obviously I won - was the classic sucker-punch. Once Horne had stupidly establishing a hair-rule early on in the fight by invoking Simon Bird's prim locks, I simply had to wait long enough for Horne's pea-brain to forget about this and then pounce. And pounce I did. And the end, when it came, was delicious. Of course there's not much satisfaction to be had from defeating someone like Horne.  But it beats the hell out of losing to him. Pretty sure I couldn't cope with that. Pretty sure I'd take the pills.

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Tim Key is currently neck and neck with Mark Watson in the current No More Women serious at 3-a-piece. He's one of the hosts of We Need Answers and in his spare time he is hawking his show - The Slutcracker - in the theatres of London. It's on at the Arts Theatre, 3rd-6th; 10th-13th March.

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