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Doctor Firth saves Christmas

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Doctor Firth | 15:40 UK time, Monday, 21 December 2009

Doctor FirthHere comes salvation. It's Dr. Firth. Just in time to save Christmas.

Letter from Butch:

When is the best time to celebrate Christmas?

Butch, that's one of those questions that just keeps coming up. I couldn't tell you how many times I've been asked that, and even if I could, why would you care? My answer is simple. Go outside and stick your tongue out.

What does the air taste like? Christmas? Or just another shitty bank holiday? You be the judge, and make your own holiday season. You could even rename it to fit your mood. No one else will join in though, but I suppose people with actual friends don't write to online doctors do they?

Angus Diplock says: Summer was so crap this year, that I'm thinking about boycotting winter.
Letter from Granke:

Is it true that some people actually don't know the chemical equation for Christmas?

Granke, I wouldn't be surprised. The last I heard, only one third of the population have even the most basic grasp of Signal Transduction, and only around 60% of those idiots can pronounce it properly. It makes me dry heave every time I think about how stupid we, as a species are becoming. What scares me the most, is that so many people out there are experimenting with Yuletide festivities, without the supervision of a qualified Christmatician. This is a great danger to us all. Not many people realise this, but Christmas effects the same part of the brain as cheap curry and prostitutes - a potentially deadly cocktail.

Merrick Ristmas says: I'm the world's number one fan of Christmas. I actually had quite a serious breakdown last January because I was so upset about it ending.

Trumpton Wasserk says: Do Australian Christmas cards have snow on them?

Letter from MC Frisky Fresh:

I read a Christmas card in a room with limited light, and it gave me a headache. Am I in a position to sue?

I'll tell you what MC, I've sued for less, and won, so it's always worth a shot. I once sued a ambulance for waking me up in the middle of the afternoon - I had fallen asleep at the bus stop. This was very convenient for me because I was down to my last few pennies at the time, and I did it online so I didn't even need a lawyer.

I'd probably first suggest sending a card in return, but be sure to scribble out the printed greeting inside and replace it with an insult - "tosser" is always a good one. They can't get you for that, because it has more than one meaning. Once that's out of the way, simply connect yourself to the internet and sue some tits. I'll warn you though, it can become quite an addiction.

I've just been informed that answering questions has quickly gone out of fashion. I'll chuck you over to Jerry Jackson, who's made you all a Christmas cartoon:

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More from David Firth on BBC Comedy

Doctor Firth and Jerry Jackson are the twisted brainwrongs of David Firth who animated the severely creepy web phenomenon Salad Fingers, introduced the notorious Devvo to the world, and a whole lot more.

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