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Henry Tudor | 14:50 UK time, Thursday, 26 November 2009

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I like the idea of ebuy, or whatever that website's called, but it's not so easy to use when your feedback rating hits rock bottom. Do they not realise I'm the bloody King of England? I'm trying to buy my sixth (and second favourite) wife an Epilady. She says to wait and buy it for her as a Christmas present but the truth is I can't leave it that long. I mean, she's lovely and everything but she is so terribly fuzzy around the leg areas. It's like sleeping next to a Brillo pad. I probably shouldn't say that, she has just been a total love and presented me with a massive bowl of luxury ice-cream with extra nutty bits and a bakewell tart on top. But no, I must get her some shaving equipment if domestic equilibrium is to return to the Tudor household.

I think the trouble with ebuy started when I decided to sell my "Ten Step Fat Attack" DVD. I shifted it in the first day to some bunter in the west country who'd been a little over-enthusiastic with the doughnuts, but I forgot to remove the item from my "For Sale" inventory. When I sold it again the following morning I thought I could improvise a solution and thus greatly increase my profit margin. It turns out that a print-out of a Mr Motivator routine is not deemed as useful in the fat-fighting stakes as the DVD was and I was promptly cussed to within an inch of my online membership. Some nerdy git with a face like a slapped arse even dared to write that from the look of my avatar I should maybe have kept the DVD and used it myself to lessen the considerably porky chops I was sporting. I believe he is inciting a 'flame war' which in my book means he's practically asking me to have him burnt at the stake.
 
So the problem of buying and selling through this pox-ridden site remains. And it's such a shame since I recently discovered that I own the rights to St James' Park in central London. Apparently I bought it as a hunting ground way back when. If I could only pop that online with a tag of, say, a couple of million, it would keep us both in Vienettas and Ladyshaves for a good long while - with enough left over for an Xbox.

- H8

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Brian Blessed
plays King Henry 8.0 in our new web-exclusive series. Watch more every Thursday on Comedy Extra.


Henry 8.0 is written by Mark Davison and Glen Long and is a Monkey production for BBC Comedy.

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