Quotes of the week
"I didn't expect him (Gerrard) to be charged, simply because it is a dysfunctional unit at the FA. I don't think they know what they are doing....but I certainly think if he was a Manchester United player he would have been done - as was the case with Rio Ferdinand."
Sir Alex Ferguson sees red after Steven Gerrard escapes punishment for allegedly elbowing Portsmouth's Michael Brown.
"He said this just on Friday? Which Friday? This Friday, or every Friday?"
Rafa Benitez learns of Fergie's mischief-making.
"It's not true that we don't love him, we love him a little too much."
Inter Milan's Marco Materazzi feels the love for team-mate Mario Balotelli - left behind for the Chelsea game following a 'blazing row' with Jose Mourinho.
"We should do like Rocky Marciano and retire while the going's good, because it won't get any better than this."
Fulham boss Roy Hodgson after knocking out the heavyweights of Juventus in the Europa League.
Robbie Savage - a bit of all white
"Nigel Clough took one look at it in the Derby car park and said 'Did you get a two-for-one on your teeth?'"
Robbie Savage after turning up for training with his car re-sprayed brilliant white.
"It was the best thing he did. I appreciate the days are gone when you can go around assaulting people, but home truths shouldn't hurt."
Ipswich boss Roy Keane fondly recalls the day when he was punched by Brian Clough at Nottingham Forest.
"After four-and-a-half years of working with Ric, I can't work him out. Luckily, the opposition can't either."
Stoke boss Tony Pulis on the unpredictable Ricardo Fuller.
"If that happens, I'll get an MBE, an OBE and a visit to see the Pope!"
Nottingham Forest manager Billy Davies will be holy satisfied if they win promotion.
"I'd prefer to kiss a nice, beautiful lady rather than the badge."
Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti when asked whether he would repeat Jose Mourinho's Inter Milan badge-kissing gesture ahead of the Champions League second-leg tie.
"It's always important that you don't sit on your laurels and stand still."
Scottish Premier League chief executive Neil Doncaster on the ups and downs involved in reforming the league.
"The thing I enjoy about it is that it's a chance to really annoy the
Mike Tindall on the best thing about earning a Test recall for England.
"Put in the superlatives yourselves, I'm running out."
Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola after Lionel Messi's stunning hat-trick against Real Zaragoza.
"We're all tanned and he looks like he's been hiding in the closet for a few months."
LA Galaxy's Chris Klein on the return of Landon Donovan from Everton.
Think the term has a different meaning over the pond - Ed.
AND SOME FROM YOU
Desmond was delighted with the score
"We're level at Fratton Park, its all gone Archbishop Desmond - 2-2!"
Commentary by Match of the Day's Jonathan Pearce after Portsmouth equalised against Hull.
(Phil Howlett, Cheshire)
"Kilmarnock got off to the perfect start with a shot that hit the bar."
Pat Bonner during half-time analysis of Kilmarnock v Celtic.
(Ranger Will Robinson!)
"For Arsenal to get a winner here, Boaz Myhill is going to have to make a save."
ESPN's Joe Royle on the Hull goalkeeper. I would have thought that for Arsenal to score, Boaz would have to NOT save it? As it turned out, it did take a save for Arsenal to score... so well done, Mystic Joe!
Having re-read it for the third time, I think I'm there! Ed.
"Well the goal was always going to come at either end, wasn't it?"
Online summariser on James McCarthy's spectacular own-goal for Wigan against Aston Villa.
"Did you steal another of my jelly babies?!"
Nick Mullins to Jonathan Davies during BBC1 coverage of Wales v Italy in the 6 Nations.
"I can repeat to you about five per cent of what Brian Moore said to me at half-time about the referee."
Commentator during BBC1 coverage of France v England in the 6 Nations.
(Chris Powell, UK)
"In the first-half we were like the Dog and Duck, in the second-half we were like Real Madrid. At full-time I was at them like an irritated Jack Russell."
Ian Holloway on his Blackpool players after the draw against Crystal Palace.
(Anthony Ko, UK)
"Rafael van der Vaart drew Real level with an opportunist strike. Fernando Alonso was on hand to give his side the lead just a minute later."
Alonso obviously has spare time between the F1 races in Bahrain and Australia, according to the report on Eurosport.
"In this yard, all horses are treated equally, but there is one animal that knows he's a little more equal than the others."
BBC News about Kauto Star. How exactly can you get treated more equally?!
(Rob Blenkinsopp, UK)
Think you need to get yourself a copy of George Orwell's Animal Farm - Ed.
"Hazard is their danger-man."
Channel 5 commentator, Liverpool v Lille.
"He's got gas to burn!"
Matt Dawson on England try-scorer Ben Foden. Maybe that's why he runs fast!
(Pete in Cardiff, Wales)
Clarke needs to learn another two words - staying and up
Spoony: "Did you know that Clarke Carlisle aims to learn two new words a day?"
Burnley fan: "I wish he would learn the word 'defend'."
Banter on 5 live's 606.
"Frustration was the buzzword in the squad on Saturday."
England coach Martin Johnson. Strange buzzword, Martin!
"Arsenal defender Gael Clichy says he has struggled with the club's new 4-4-3 system this season."
From BBC Gossip Column, on Wednesday 17 March.
(Tom, Germany - and just about everybody else)
"I love it when a plan comes together."
Iain Dowie turns into Hannibal from the A-Team after being interviewed by Sky when he was named as the new Hull boss.
"Red Bull will be really worried about the blue smoke coming from the back of Mark Webber."
Martin Brundle during lap one of the Bahrain GP.
(Chris Fairclough, England)
"I don't bet, but anyone who had me down to score must be having a great party right now."
Fabrice Muamba after scoring his first-ever goal for Bolton against Wigan.
(Ginny Hadfield, Manchester)
"In many ways he's very human."
Carol Ann Duffy, Poet Laureate, on David Beckham. In what ways is he not human, I wonder?
(Libby Curran, USA)
"To win the Champions League with a much lesser team in Porto, you have to be tactically aware and tactically acute."
Tactically acute? Paul Merson talks about Jose Mourinho on Sky Sports after the Chelsea-Inter game.
(Jonny Madill, Belfast)
"This draw gives us what it gives us."
Arsenal secretary David Miles after being drawn against Barcelona in the Champions League. Eh?
(Conrad Edkins, Halifax)
"That was a good catch from Matsikenyeri, running away from himself."
Sky commentator after Stuart Matsikenyeri of Zimbabwe took a catch against West Indies, for which he had to run backwards to judge.
"He was a definite probably before his injury - now I am not so sure."
Alan Shearer on 5 Live, talking about Carlton Cole's chances of being picked in the England World Cup squad.
Drogba - custard or mustard?
"He's six foot four and made of custard!"
Mark Lawrenson commentating on the Chelsea-Inter game, after watching Didier Drogba fall over for the 500th time.
"The tactic was to get a goal and to win."
Inter's Wesley Sneijder reveals the true genius of the Special One after the Chelsea game.
"It's pretty much impossible, but it's still do-able"
Portsmouth's Tommy Smith after the win against Hull left them 14 points from safety.
"The bookies are literally waltzing out of here under cloud nine."
RTÉ's Colm Murray at the Cheltenham Festival.
"You know when people stop laughing at your jokes, it's time to leave."
Gary Johnson after leaving Bristol City.
(Joe Shread, England)
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Your shirt's too big for you!"
QPR fans to vertically-challenged Nathan Dyer, who appeared to have pulled on an extra-large Swansea shirt.
(Paul Demicoli, London)
"I was there when Muamba scored!"
Bolton fans after Fabrice Muamba scored his first goal for the club in the 4-0 win over Wigan.
"You should have stuck to watching rugby!"
Bolton fans to Wigan.
Sheffield United fans whenever Nick Montgomery got the ball against Blackpool - after earlier scoring his first goal since December 2005.
"There's only two David Martin's!"
Derby fans after our left midfielder came on to join his goalkeeper namesake against Middlesbrough.
"Same old Terry, always cheating."
Blackburn fans after a foul by Chelsea captain John Terry.
"You're supposed to be at home!"
Huddersfield fans chanting towards a resident in a block of flats in a corner of the Matchroom Stadium, during their 2-0 win at Leyton Orient.
You wouldn't like him when he's angry
"Keano, Keano knock him out!"
Heard at Watford-Ipswich, when John Eustace went over the top with a nasty tackle on one of Town's midfielders.
(Richard Mariner, England)
"Return of the Yak
"Return of the Yak
"Return of the Yak,
"We've noticed you've got fat!"
Everton fans welcome back Yakubu to Goodison Park in the 2-0 win over Bolton - to the Return Of The Mac tune.
(Jimmy Downing, England)
"There's only one Luke Chadwick!"
Southampton fans' ironic reaction to MK Dons' man-of-the-match choice, after Ricky Lambert got a hat-trick and Chadwick... well, was he actually on the pitch?!
"We are staying up!"
Pompey fans after equalising against Hull - despite their nine-point deduction leaving them 17 points adrift of safety before the game.
(Anthony Ko, UK)
"Does your father know you're (rubbish)?"
Cambridge United fans to Histon's Charlie Sheringham - son of Teddy - after he missed a penalty.
(Sam W, Cambridge)
"We hate Tottenham more than you!"
Arsenal fans to West Ham.
"We hate Chelsea more than you!"
West Ham fans reply.
(Kieran Poole, Hong Kong)
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Please will the owner of a ford Focus Reg XXXXX please come and move your vehicle as it is parked in somebody's drive and you are not allowed to do this.
Stadium announcement at Preston North End.
(Josh Gardner, England)
The same announcement was sent in by 'Iki', although they claimed it was a silver Toyota. Anyone? Ed.
Please add any quotes, chants or stadium announcements you may have heard by adding them to the bottom of this blog - or using the old-school postform.