Quotes of the week
"I think it's probably coming off my bald patch and that's helping me score!"
Wayne Rooney's run of headed goals has hit the spot.
"Chelsea move on. I move on. I keep winning important things, they keep winning...something. They won an FA Cup."
Jose Mourinho can't resist a sideswipe at Chelsea's moderate success since they parted company with the Special One.
"I've had five games where I've scored six goals - and one game where I could have scored five and got none. I'm back!"
Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner on his topsy-turvy couple of weeks.
"You can call me Robbie Southall. I'm just a natural sportsman!"
The ever-modest Robbie Savage likens himself to big Nev after Derby were forced to use him as an emergency goalkeeper against Reading.
"Robbie wasn't getting a kick in midfield so it was best he went in goal."
Derby boss Nigel Clough sees the situation slightly differently.
"It's sod's law it was him who scored - we were trying to sign him for months. I'll wring his neck!"
Steve Bruce ever-so-slightly bitter after Adam Johnson scores a spectacular equaliser for Manchester City at Sunderland.
"I thought our luck had changed when Kevin Doyle got up. Usually if you are hit by Jensen, you don't get up."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy after his striker survives a collision with the bruiser that is Burnley goalkeeper Brian Jensen.
"We have got no midweek games in April at the moment, but something like 7,000
in March as things stand! The Premier League want to get the fixtures in during
March so we've got plenty of time to repent during April."
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill is as mad as a March hare over his side's impending fixture backlog.
"If we go bottom of Super League, nobody spontaneously combusts."
Harlequins coach Brian McDermott.
"We've got to keep this in perspective. If we removed everybody in seniority
that committed adultery we probably wouldn't have anybody running the country."
Geoff Hurst on John Terry's alleged misdemeanours.
"At certain times here, and even in the hotel, there's nearly a stench of death
in the place."
Irish snooker star Fergal O'Brien is dying to get out of the World Championship qualifying event.
"It's like sex. If you really enjoy something, you want to keep doing
something. Maybe Michael is the perfect example - he hasn't run out of legs so
he's coming back for more fun."
David Coulthard on Michael Schumacher's romantic return to Formula 1 in Bahrain.
AND SOME FROM YOU
Alan Green: "He's just gone off there, Vidic, for treatment to a cut across his nose."
Robbie Earle: "That's the same nose that got banged on mid-week against Milan."
5 live commentary during the Man Utd v Fulham match. Silly of Vidic not to wear his spare nose.
(Libby Curran, USA)
That really did make me LOL - Ed.
"Newcastle just don't get beat, they've only been beaten four times."
Steve Claridge on The Football League Show, analysing Middlesbrough v Newcastle.
(Gareth Lyons, South Wales)
"And Wigan are forcing Liverpool into some unforced errors here!"
BBC commentator at the DW Stadium.
Mourinho - gotta love him
"Before the game I know everybody and I love them, and after the game I know everybody and I love them - for 90 minutes I know nobody."
The one and only Jose Mourinho on his return to Chelsea.
(Tumi J Mbaiwa, South Africa)
"If I ask him, he will want to play there, don't worry. So I don't ask him!"
Arsene Wenger explains why Samir Nasri won't be playing in the middle when Cesc Fabregas is fit again.
"We will have to see whether the tendon is completely severed, partly severed, or something in between".
Specialist Dr Sakari Orava on David Beckham's injury. Ah yes, the well known not-really-but-a-bit-severed stage which is not completely or partial.
(Sean Heighton, England)
"Since I have been here at McLaren, we have never really had an amazing rear end."
Lewis Hamilton speaking about his...car, after the Bahrain GP.
"It was a typical game, where whoever scored the goal was going to win it."
Gus Poyet proves his footballing knowledge after Brighton's 1-0 defeat against Swindon.
"Mawhinney, who took the reins in January 3002, was a controversial figure for fans of some clubs..."
Quote from the story on the BBC website about the appointment of a time-traveller as the new head of the Football League.
(Phil Deer, Hampshire)
"I think we had 15 chances - seven of them on target, seven of them off-target."
Wrexham manager Dean Saunders on the 1-1 draw with Ebbsfleet.
(Craig Edmeades, England)
"David Beckham, playing for AC Milan, will be returning to London this evening to face his former team Manchester United."
Heard this on 94.5 The Buzz (Radio station here in Houston).
"I wouldn't have thought there is a keeper alive who could have laid a paw on that."
ITV4 commentator after Juventus' second goal against Fulham. To be honest, I wouldn't have thought many dead keepers would have saved it either.
(Peter Smith, Scotland)
"And whether or not he (Carew) was offside, we can't pass judgement on, as we can't be 150% certain."
BBC WM radio commentator on Villa striker John Carew's disallowed goal v Reading. Why would you need to be more than 100% sure?
"Strikers are a bit like goalkeepers, aren't they?"
Graeme Souness after Arsenal beat Porto. No, Graeme, they're not. They're the opposite of each other.
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Fergie, Fergie, sign him up!"
Man Utd fans after David Beckham came on during the Champions League tie with AC Milan.
(Anthony Ko, UK)
Rightho, Rovers fans - in you get
"What time's your mini-bus?"
Spurs fans to the small travelling support from Blackburn.
"Thursday nights, Channel 5!"
Man Utd fans at the AC Milan game, directed at Europa League participants, Liverpool.
(Rahim Rajani, London)
United fans to Fulham Scouser Danny Murphy.
Cleverly overlooking their own Liverpudlian - Ed.
"Are you Walsall in disguise?"
Southampton fans while 5-0 up against Huddersfield, after hammering Walsall 5-1 a few days earlier.
"Is there a fire drill?!"
Sung by Reading fans after the mass exodus of Bristol City supporters at the Madejski.
"We're going to Italy, you're going to Coventry."
Birmingham fans at Pompey.
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Believe it or not, there will be five more minutes of this half! Five minutes of added time."
The announcer at Aggborough is less than impressed as the referee adds on five minutes at the end of the 90, despite there being few stoppages and Kidderminster being 5-1 down to Stevenage in the FA Trophy semi-final first leg.
(Dan Brown, Wirral)
"Would the driver of the Derby City coach parked outside the stadium please move it".
Pre-match stadium announcement at the Reading-Derby match. Fortunately there were only a couple of dozen Derby County fans in the stadium at the time!
(Mike Wilkin, England)
"And tonight's match referee is...oh dear God....Davy Malcolm."
From the Ballymena v Glenavon Irish Cup replay.
Add any quotes, chants or stadium announcements you may have heard at the bottom of this blog. Or use the old-school email postform.