Quotes of the week
"I know what JT's like and nothing surprises me about him so I'm not going to comment on that guy. I think everyone in football knows what the guy's like."
Craig Bellamy says an awful lot without commenting after the Chelsea-Man City game.
"People in glass houses should not throw stones."
Terry's curt response.
"I'm not excited about a handshake. I know many people are, but for me and the players, no way."
Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti wanted Chelsea's feet to do the talking at Stamford Bridge, but it was not to be.
"It would be hypocritical of Bridge if he shook hands and made out like they're friends now. If there was a 50-50 challenge that gave me the chance to go over the top and do one on Terry then I would, yes."
Former Arsenal star Perry Groves does his bit for world peace - quoted in The Sun before the Chelsea-Man City game.
Bridge and Terry - the best of enemies
"I'd have dealt with it by going down to see Terry in private. If that ended up in a fight, then so be it."
But Groves calms down a little later.
"I don't know where they will stay, it's not my concern. I'm hoping there will be a virus."
Fabio Capello speaks for the nation when asked about the WAGs' movement at this summer's World Cup.
"Richard's a great lad - and I totally disagree with him."
Aston Villa manager Martin O'Neill after Richard Dunne said the decision not to send off Nemanja Vidic in the Carling Cup final may not have made any difference to the outcome.
"I think what he does is is a model for other managers aorund the world - it's a perfect model for all the kids as well. As for the style of football, even Barcelona are now copying his style."
Rafa Benitez couldn't possibly get his tongue any further into his cheek when talking about Big Sam Allardyce.
"He'll be at Wembley for the final - and you'll probably be able to hear him."
Gaby Agbonlahor on his dad, Samson, ahead of the League Cup final.
"It's me. I'm jinxed."
Shay Given after Man City's FA Cup defeat by Stoke ensured the keeper's long wait for club honours continues.
"It was a penalty, but I like this referee."
Inter Milan's Walter Samuel, who tripped Chelsea's Salomon Kalou in the box but saw the ref wave play on.
"I expect people will be very pleased to see me because we were so happy when we were together."
Jose Mourinho feels the love ahead of his return to Stamford Bridge with Inter.
"I know Mourinho is always lucky at Stamford Bridge. I only lost one game there with Chelsea."
And loves himself so much he's started referring to himself in the third person.
"We are not living in Cloud Cuckoo Land, we are living in Let's Get Some Points Land. But I want to win if I'm playing tiddlywinks."
Wolves boss Mick McCarthy flips out after some fans moaned that he was playing too defensively by employing a lone striker.
"Crikey me! He's on a great goalscoring burst now."
Wayne Rooney's red-hot streak provokes an outburst of comedy swearing in Sir Alex Ferguson.
"I've done stupid things before when I've had too many sherbets but nothing
Wales back row forward Andy Powell after his arrest for drink-driving. Police arrested him at a service station - where he went to buy a bar of chocolate and a sandwich - after driving a golf buggy along the M4 motorway.
"If the reports are just half-true, I would recommend Tiger just call it a bad experience, say bye-bye, go out and be a wonderful playboy and win tournaments and have a good life."
Three-times married Donald Trump offers some interesting relationship advice to Tiger Woods.
"They keep coming up with these people, saying this man's one of the richest Arabs in the world and this one's Sheikh somebody or other. Solomon someone or the other, sitting there eating a big hamburger with holes in his jeans. The next thing someone else comes in."
Former Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp on the persistent takeover rumours at Fratton Park.
"The rest of us would be looking forward to a 100th cap but John would rather get off the pitch, get home and milk his cows."
Donncha O'Callaghan on Ireland team-mate and farmer, John Hayes, who won his 100th cap against England.
"Mr Benitez, the last time I saw you was in Istanbul in 2005 and you had a different silhouette - what has happened to your silhouette?"
A Romanian journalist tactfully quizzes the Liverpool manager about his weight, ahead of the Europa League clash with Unirea Urziceni.
"If you think I'm big, you ought to see the fella behind me"
"It is the stress of answering questions from the press."
AND SOME FROM YOU
"People say 'go with the flow' but do you know what goes with the flow? Dead fish."
Roy Keane when comparing Wayne Bridge's withdrawal from the England squad to his own World Cup exit in 2002.
(Conor O'Donovan, Ireland)
"He has a bit of a hamstring and a bit of an Achilles."
Everton boss David Moyes confirming Louis Saha's anatomy is much the same as everybody else's.
"I think Sir Alex will decide, and I would think in about the year 2033 when he thinks to himself, 'yeah, I think that Champions League has gone past me for the final time', then I will have departed this earth long before him - because I've got a lot more worries."
Martin O'Neill rules himself out of the Manchester United hotseat.
"Villa are attacking their own supporters."
Guy Mowbray commentating during the Carling Cup final.
"It'll be a conundrum for Brian Laws whether Clarke Carlisle keeps his place in the Burnley team."
Caroline "Cheesy" Cheese referring to Burnley player Clark Carlisle's appearance on Countdown earlier in the week. He knows how to play a words and numbers game, not sure if he knows the rules to not giving away penalties, though.
(Dave P, Macclesfield)
"Nine goals without a game for Rasiak."
Mick Conway reporting from the Reading-Sheffield Wednesday match on Soccer Saturday.
(Blair Gray, Scotland)
"We've closed the training ground. It's off-limits. We're just going to train there and that's it."
Harry Redknapp reacts to the virus outbreak among Spurs players and staff. So it's off-limits, but they still trained there?
(Simon Batty, UK)
Commentator 1: "We're at this picturesque stadium just a Rory Delap throw away from the Mediterranean Sea."
Commentator 2: "Yeah, the sea is just three miles away."
Commentators during the Olympiakos-Bordeaux match.
Interviewer: "Richard, can you put into words just how disappointing this is?"
Richard Dunne: "It is disappointing."
Villa defender after the Carling Cup defeat by Man Utd.
"There goes Ancelotti with his hands deep in his pockets" - short pause - "I wonder what he has up his sleeve?"
Commentator at half-time in the Inter-Chelsea game.
"Just look at the noise here."
Marcel Desailly at the Inter-Chelsea match.
(Gary Bateman, Limerick, Ireland)
"I know Martin quite well, I wouldn't say I know him really well but he used to use the same Indian restaurant as me."
Reading manager Brian McDermott on his relationship with Martin O'Neill - ahead of their FA Cup quarter-final meeting.
(Tim Rushton, Isle of Man)
"They can't both win the Champions League this year."
ITV commentator on Inter v Chelsea. But they could both win it next year?
Sachin Tendulkar celebrates his landmark double century
"Very rare to hit a double-hundred in the 50-over format."
Sky News' Chris Roberts on Sachin Tendulkar's record 200 not out against South Africa -the ONLY double hundred in the history of ODIs.
(Craig King, Somerset)
"Is it me or does the pitch seem really big? It certainly looks bigger than when we were here last year, but then we were sitting further away."
Clive Tyldesley answers his own question at the Dragao Stadium during Arsenal's game against Porto on ITV.
"Vidic has been absolutely brilliant tonight, from the first minute to the second."
Roberto Martinez on BBC 5 live's commentary of Man Utd v West Ham.
"When he is at his best, he is a top player - he has played at World Cups and if he can do that for us, it will be great."
Harry Redknapp on Roman Pavlyuchenko. Spurs to win the World Cup in 2010?
As the Big Ed pointed out to me, Pavlyuchenko might have been at Euro 2008, but he has never actually played at a World Cup - Ed.
"It's tight. Very tight. And I'm not talking about Stevie G's vest here."
ESPN Presenter John Dykes at half-time during Man City v Liverpool, as the players trudged off and Gerrard had taken off his top to reveal a rather tight vest.
"Irn-Bru Scottish Second Division - All matches postponed....all players no doubt begrudgingly dragged around shopping!"
Sky Sports Soccer Special results announcer.
(James Ellis, London)
"Iniesta, running into clear water."
Sky Sports commentator during the VfB Stuttgart v Barcelona game. Is running into water ever a good thing during a football match, regardless of its clarity?
(W. Brown, UK)
Presenter: "So Iain, are Bordeaux a good outside bet for winning the Champions League?"
Dowie: "Yes they are, I wouldn't put my kitchen sink on them, but worth a flutter."
Dowie's kitchen sink must be gold-plated.
(Wilfie Wilkins, England)
"He was just one of those players I just wanted to smash!"
Robbie Savage co-commentating on Man City-Liverpool, when asked what it was like to play against Javier Mascherano.
"Administration and the nine-point deduction that goes with it would make Pompey's relegation to the Champions League inevitable."
Not all doom and gloom in Portsmouth, according to the Sky News iPhone app.
(Mark Dobinson, UK)
"'Inter effectively sold Ibrahimovic and replaced him with Samuel Eto'o, Diego Milito and most of Wesley Sneijder', Marcotti told BBC Sport."
BBC interview with Italian sports journalist Gabriele Marcotti. So what happened to the rest of Wesley Sneijder, then?
(Thom Williams, England)
"That's three world-class saves I've seen today - two from Cech, one from Green and one from Myhill."
Garth Crooks getting his sums wrong on Final Score.
(Daniel Fripp, Ireland)
WINTER OLYMPICS SPECIAL
American commentator: "This is like Brokeback Mountain 2!"
British commentator: "Ha ha......not really sure where you're going with that one.."
After Canada scored in overtime at the Winter Olympics ice hockey final.
"And its gold for Canadia!!!"
BBC commentator Bob Ballard after Canada had just scored their overtime golden goal.
Canadian players celebrate ice hockey gold
"Ryan Miller, once, twice, three times a lady...denied."
More Canada-USA ice hockey commentary.
(Lyndon Kerr, UK)
Commentator 1:"And thats skier-cross at its best, a real man's sport."
Commentator 2: "Saying that, we have the women's final tomorrow and I expect that to be every bit as exciting."
BBC commentary of the men's ski-cross final.
(Joe Henney, UK)
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"It's all gone quiet over there!"
Stoke fans on the northbound platform of Stoke station, to the empty southbound platform where the Arsenal fans had just noisily departed.
"Drinking pints of sherry
Brighton fans (to the tune of Let It Be) serenading our new Spanish right-back, Inigo Calderon, after he scored his first goal in English football. Absolutely no idea where the line about sherry comes from but it certainly caught on.
(Mark Nickols, England_
"You're supposed to be a gnome!"
At the Port Vale-Lincoln match, to a rather small referee!
"12-1 on aggregate" and "We only want six more!"
After Spurs went 3-0 up at Wigan, a team they beat 9-1 in the reverse fixture.
"We're not very warm!
"We're not very warm!
"We're not very, We're not very,
"We're not very warm!"
Cambridge City fans at a windswept Leamington FC.
"Camp-e-ony, Camp-e-ony, o-lay, o-lay o-lay!"
Tribute to Nottingham Forest and England number one Lee Camp.
(Pedro Howe, England)
England number one? Ed.
"You're the away fans and you're louder than us!"
Exeter fans mocking their own support when 1-0 down against Stockport (Stocky only brought 102 supporters).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Number one, Artur Boruc........ number seven, Scott McDonald."
Stadium announcer giving the starting line-up at Celtic Park. McDonald joined Middlesbrough in January.
(James Owens, Scotland)
"Leeds 'the wheels have fallen off' United 0 - Brighton and Hove Albion 0." and "....celebrating our promotion winning game against Preston Dead End."
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"At least Barnes could rap."
Banner at Rangers v Celtic match, regarding Tony Mowbray's poor record at Celtic.