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Review of the week

Chris Charles | 14:21 UK time, Thursday, 19 March 2009

You know that feeling when you've had a bad day at the office and all you want to do is get home and belt out a few Lionel Richie numbers? No, me neither.

But if you believe what you read, that is exactly what Wayne Rooney will have done after Manchester United's 4-1 thumping by the club he loves to hate (was anyone really shocked at that comment, by the way)?

'A source close to Rooney' told the Daily Star (so it must be true): "He's not the best singer in the world but Wayne loves Lionel. He knows the words to every one of his songs and is constantly singing them to Colleen." Poor girl must have been to Hell-o and back. (Coat etc).

Lionel RichieThe startling news followed last week's disclosure that Sir Alex was a closet Abba fan, plus Morrissey's reported Millwall obsession. What next - Chopper Harris spotted at a Boyzone gig? Alan Carr revealing his secret past as a football hooligan?

More importantly, the last time anyone whupped Man Utd 4-1 at HQ was when QPR came-a-calling on New Year's Day 1992.

I remember the occasion only too well, having been invited around to celebrate my ex-girlfriend's 18th, where her United-supporting Dad was cooking up a tasty pheasant.

He gleefully informed me there was plenty of roast spuds but the only stuffing on offer was the one my lot were going to get on the telly. Five minutes in, we were 2-0 up and the only game he was interested in was the bird in the oven.

One of the players who starred in that famous win was my old sparring partner Ian Holloway, who earlier this week told me about his memories of the match.

"It was hilarious," Ollie recalled, "because before the game I couldn't get off the toilet. You normally get butterflies before kick-off but because it was the first time I'd played at Old Trafford, it was worse than normal.

"I went in, came out, went back in again...at one point the manager, Gerry Francis, shouts out 'Where's Ollie?' I said: 'I'm in here, I can hear you!' Everyone else cracked up and he ended up doing his team talk while I'm stuck on the loo!

"I needn't have worried because we were 2-0 up before I'd even touched the ball. Dennis Bailey went on to score a hat-trick and tore Steve Bruce to shreds. Dennis was a God-fearing man and he was convinced the Lord had got into his boots that day. I just thought he'd had a great game!"

Back in the modern world and Fergie and Rafa are turning into the Ricky and Bianca of the Premier League. Sir Alex admitted he needed to read more Freud to understand his opposite number, while Benitez - who The Sun have nicknamed 'The Goadfather' - retorted: "I don't understand the Scottish accent."

Fergie unconvincingly attempted to have the last word by suggesting United were the better team on Saturday, Mickey Rourke was a great advert for plastic surgery and Elvis had been putting the reserves through their paces.

You can guarantee it won't be the last we've heard of the Chuckle Brothers as the pressure hots up, but spare a thought for poor old Arsene Wenger, who can't seem to get a look-in on the top table these days and is forced into resorting to spats with the likes of Phil Brown.
Phil Brown
Incidentally, what on earth was the Hull boss doing wearing that coat against Newcastle? Either he's been taking fashion tips from Borat or forgot to put Head and Shoulders on his weekly shopping list.

Everton's Marouane Fellaini is surely in the running for Young Player of the Year after scoring his sixth of the season against Stoke, despite swapping his Shaft look for some Bo Derek corn rows. Maybe he could pass on some tips to Nicklas Bendtner, who couldn't hit a blue whale's backside with a banjo at the moment, never mind a cow's.

A shock contender for the Player of the Year, meanwhile, could be Titus Bramble, previously ridiculed as the worst defender ever but currently picking up man of the match awards for fun. The Wigan defender had another stormer in the win over Sunderland and if he continues to put in these mighty no-nonsense displays, might consider changing his surname to Andronicus.

Dodgy picture of the week involved Cristiano Ronaldo's mum, Dolores, who was spotted wearing a crazy combo of hotpants, leather cap and a cheesy CR7 top from her boy's 'fashion' range, complete with what looked like a mayor's gold chain. Mrs R has reportedly taken charge of her boy's love-life, but perhaps needs an adviser of her own to sort out her dress sense, which makes Phil Brown look like Kate Moss.

Thankfully there are a few football folk left with a touch of class - step forward Jamie Carragher who has spoken about his love of the stage - and we're not just talking the Theatre of Dreams.

The Liverpool defender said: "A good night out doesn't mean getting drunk any more" (or any less in Ashley Cole's case). "I enjoy a trip to the theatre with my missus."

But Carra showed there's still a bit of work to be done to make the switch from clichéd footballer to ardent thespian, when he added: "Liverpool was voted European Capital of Culture and the Carraghers have embraced it."

Other unexpected news in a week of shocks was an outbreak of trouble at the New Den, where missiles including coins and a hard-boiled egg (?!) were hurled during the defeat by Leicester. Foxes keeper Tony Warner, a former Lions favourite, said: "Coins? That's standard procedure down here. I got hit by a burger at Cardiff when I was making my debut for Millwall. Half-eaten as well. They didn't even have the courtesy to make it a whole one!"

And finally, the story of the week involved Tranmere winger Chris Shuker, out for the rest of the season after breaking his arm.

Manager Ronnie Moore said: "I don't know how it happened. But from what I've been told, it was an accident at home and he was messing about with his girlfriend or something."

As bizarre excuses go, that's up there with Liam Lawrence falling over his dog, Dave Beasant's fight with the salad cream bottle and the back injury Alan Mullery sustained while cleaning his teeth.

But even they are eclipsed by 70s Norway defender Svein Grondalen, who once pulled out of an international......after colliding with a moose while out jogging.

OTHER STUFF

Bolo Zenden has a fight with the advertising hoardings
Ray Winstone's Respect ad

Comments

  • 1. At 3:25pm on 19 Mar 2009, superhoffy wrote:

    Ronaldo: all the money in the world and he still can't avoid getting embarassed by his mum!

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  • 2. At 4:01pm on 19 Mar 2009, boomshakalak wrote:

    Quite funny this Chris although you didn't need to have the dig at Ronaldos mum - leave that for the junky magazines that cater for idiots. How would you feel if I attached a picture of your mum looking a bit not so hot??!??

    maybe i'm just going a bit soft today???... or maybe i just fancy her?? hmmm????

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  • 3. At 4:08pm on 19 Mar 2009, Medieval-Evil wrote:

    That Ray Winstone vid, cliched as it is, underlines so much of what is wrong in football. I'm often very critical of poor refereeing, but some of the stuff people send their way is vile and embarrassing. As it says "Would you put up with this at work?" These guys are doing their job, if they do it badly, let the proper authorities decide. Don't make it personal and don't get abusive - there's no need, really.

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  • 4. At 4:21pm on 19 Mar 2009, Chris Charles wrote:

    2. boomshakalak: I love my dear mum but trust me she's worn a few outfits in the past that have necessitated me walking a few paces behind - although as she has pointed out, maybe I'm just not 'with it'. The fact that Mrs R is wearing one of her son's own designs would suggest he's more than happy with her fashion sense, maybe it's me who needs to wise up.

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  • 5. At 4:34pm on 19 Mar 2009, BCChris wrote:

    Cor, more seems to happen off the pitch than on it these days!

    Another very good blog Christopher, said it last week but its glad to have you back, love the cringeworthy comedy, and 'Shes been to Hell-o and back' that just epitomises it mate, classy stuff, love it.

    Keep doing what you do so well Chris.

    Oh and ive noticed that the best way to get hits on a BBC blog is to start a small debate somehow so... I say Cristiano's mum is hotter than Angelina Jolie.. There we go :)

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  • 6. At 4:35pm on 19 Mar 2009, BCChris wrote:

    Its Glad?? Or even 'Im' Glad and its 'Good' to have you back.. doh

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  • 7. At 4:37pm on 19 Mar 2009, The TM wrote:

    ha ha, Boomshakalak, way to go mate. But on the other hand if a middle aged woman is dressed like that then something needs to be said so she learns. So Chris, way to go..........

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  • 8. At 5:11pm on 19 Mar 2009, lordSUPERFRED wrote:

    PHIL BROWN - poor mans Mourinho , fashioned by primark

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  • 9. At 6:45pm on 19 Mar 2009, redhotbed wrote:

    Rubbish blog again Chris.

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  • 10. At 6:54pm on 19 Mar 2009, Ian Bittiner wrote:

    Good blog! Colliding with the moose made me chuckle... Only in Norway...

    redhotbed - No-one is forcing you to read his blog. If you honestly dislike them but keep on reading them, it probably says more about you!

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  • 11. At 7:20pm on 19 Mar 2009, jonnothecitizen wrote:

    Another strong and funny blog Chris, please keep this up!!!

    BCChris - im up for that debate lol. Compared to Angelina Jolie however, CRs mum seems to be better looking...

    Not all that keen on giant lips and twenty kids however, maybe thats biasing my opinion...who knows...

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  • 12. At 7:23pm on 19 Mar 2009, jonnothecitizen wrote:

    PS... anyone else think Ray Winstone sounds like a Mafia boss in that video about respecting referees...

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  • 13. At 00:04am on 20 Mar 2009, Wot Kuyt 'e did wrote:

    Stuffing & game - Very good. ;-)

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  • 14. At 12:48pm on 20 Mar 2009, Rabster wrote:

    Cheers Chris, Titus Andronicus looks quite a read.

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  • 15. At 12:58pm on 20 Mar 2009, BCChris wrote:

    Jonnothecitizen

    Mate i was totaly joking, Jolie takes down most women in the world when it comes to looks! lol behave.

    And the Ray Winstone comment, I take it you have never watched Love, Honour & Obey (Brilliant Film, absolutely top draw, one of those films you tend to whoop out on a friday/saturday night when everyones a little bit "tired" and you want a pure piece of classic greatness) but he plays a London Mafia boss in that, and in a cpl of other films ive seen him in hes been mafia (The Departed, Sexy Beast)

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  • 16. At 1:11pm on 20 Mar 2009, philtoon82 wrote:

    ...but spare a thought for poor old Arsene Wenger, who can't seem to get a look-in on the top table these days and is forced into resorting to spats with the likes of Phil Brown....

    i was totally thinking this myself yesterday!! how times have changed for Poor Arsene!! Shame Kinear isnt fighting fit for saturday otherwise you good have guaranteed their would have been a splat on the touchlines!!

    Regards Ray Winstone think he's a bit of a tool personally.. fat middle aged man with grey hair who thinks he tough cos he supports west ham ('so he's obviously a bit of 'boy') and has played a few tough guy roles in movies.... Clown!

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  • 17. At 3:57pm on 20 Mar 2009, BCChris wrote:

    Philtoon82

    HA! You silly boy. have you ever seen his first film? Entitled 'Scum'?

    You watch that film and then tell me Ray Winstone is not a hard man!!

    And anyone who has seen that film please back me up on this, his general demeaner has nothing to do with who he supports, its the bloody size of the lad that makes him hard as a scone made in a year 4 cookery class

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  • 18. At 4:07pm on 20 Mar 2009, jonnothecitizen wrote:

    Scum is a truly brilliant film. Havent seen 'Love, Honour and Obey' but Ill keep an eye out for it mate, cheers for the tip. Winstone is quite simply a giant. Last time I checked being a Hammers fan doesnt make you hard (and I reference Green Street here)

    If Jolie loses the kids and takes a bit of the crap out of her hugely inflated lips, then Jolie wins hands down mate.

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  • 19. At 4:11pm on 20 Mar 2009, jonnothecitizen wrote:

    ent ray winstone in lock stock?

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  • 20. At 07:57am on 23 Mar 2009, BCChris wrote:

    Nah Ray Winstone aint in Lock Stock, but that was a good film too

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  • 21. At 10:42am on 24 Mar 2009, lastonsunday wrote:

    Isn't Russell Bland a happy hammer?

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