Review of the week
You know that feeling when you've had a bad day at the office and all you want to do is get home and belt out a few Lionel Richie numbers? No, me neither.
But if you believe what you read, that is exactly what Wayne Rooney will have done after Manchester United's 4-1 thumping by the club he loves to hate (was anyone really shocked at that comment, by the way)?
'A source close to Rooney' told the Daily Star (so it must be true): "He's not the best singer in the world but Wayne loves Lionel. He knows the words to every one of his songs and is constantly singing them to Colleen." Poor girl must have been to Hell-o and back. (Coat etc).
The startling news followed last week's disclosure that Sir Alex was a closet Abba fan, plus Morrissey's reported Millwall obsession. What next - Chopper Harris spotted at a Boyzone gig? Alan Carr revealing his secret past as a football hooligan?
More importantly, the last time anyone whupped Man Utd 4-1 at HQ was when QPR came-a-calling on New Year's Day 1992.
I remember the occasion only too well, having been invited around to celebrate my ex-girlfriend's 18th, where her United-supporting Dad was cooking up a tasty pheasant.
He gleefully informed me there was plenty of roast spuds but the only stuffing on offer was the one my lot were going to get on the telly. Five minutes in, we were 2-0 up and the only game he was interested in was the bird in the oven.
One of the players who starred in that famous win was my old sparring partner Ian Holloway, who earlier this week told me about his memories of the match.
"It was hilarious," Ollie recalled, "because before the game I couldn't get off the toilet. You normally get butterflies before kick-off but because it was the first time I'd played at Old Trafford, it was worse than normal.
"I went in, came out, went back in again...at one point the manager, Gerry Francis, shouts out 'Where's Ollie?' I said: 'I'm in here, I can hear you!' Everyone else cracked up and he ended up doing his team talk while I'm stuck on the loo!
"I needn't have worried because we were 2-0 up before I'd even touched the ball. Dennis Bailey went on to score a hat-trick and tore Steve Bruce to shreds. Dennis was a God-fearing man and he was convinced the Lord had got into his boots that day. I just thought he'd had a great game!"
Back in the modern world and Fergie and Rafa are turning into the Ricky and Bianca of the Premier League. Sir Alex admitted he needed to read more Freud to understand his opposite number, while Benitez - who The Sun have nicknamed 'The Goadfather' - retorted: "I don't understand the Scottish accent."
Fergie unconvincingly attempted to have the last word by suggesting United were the better team on Saturday, Mickey Rourke was a great advert for plastic surgery and Elvis had been putting the reserves through their paces.
You can guarantee it won't be the last we've heard of the Chuckle Brothers as the pressure hots up, but spare a thought for poor old Arsene Wenger, who can't seem to get a look-in on the top table these days and is forced into resorting to spats with the likes of Phil Brown.
Incidentally, what on earth was the Hull boss doing wearing that coat against Newcastle? Either he's been taking fashion tips from Borat or forgot to put Head and Shoulders on his weekly shopping list.
Everton's Marouane Fellaini is surely in the running for Young Player of the Year after scoring his sixth of the season against Stoke, despite swapping his Shaft look for some Bo Derek corn rows. Maybe he could pass on some tips to Nicklas Bendtner, who couldn't hit a blue whale's backside with a banjo at the moment, never mind a cow's.
A shock contender for the Player of the Year, meanwhile, could be Titus Bramble, previously ridiculed as the worst defender ever but currently picking up man of the match awards for fun. The Wigan defender had another stormer in the win over Sunderland and if he continues to put in these mighty no-nonsense displays, might consider changing his surname to Andronicus.
Dodgy picture of the week involved Cristiano Ronaldo's mum, Dolores, who was spotted wearing a crazy combo of hotpants, leather cap and a cheesy CR7 top from her boy's 'fashion' range, complete with what looked like a mayor's gold chain. Mrs R has reportedly taken charge of her boy's love-life, but perhaps needs an adviser of her own to sort out her dress sense, which makes Phil Brown look like Kate Moss.
Thankfully there are a few football folk left with a touch of class - step forward Jamie Carragher who has spoken about his love of the stage - and we're not just talking the Theatre of Dreams.
The Liverpool defender said: "A good night out doesn't mean getting drunk any more" (or any less in Ashley Cole's case). "I enjoy a trip to the theatre with my missus."
But Carra showed there's still a bit of work to be done to make the switch from clichéd footballer to ardent thespian, when he added: "Liverpool was voted European Capital of Culture and the Carraghers have embraced it."
Other unexpected news in a week of shocks was an outbreak of trouble at the New Den, where missiles including coins and a hard-boiled egg (?!) were hurled during the defeat by Leicester. Foxes keeper Tony Warner, a former Lions favourite, said: "Coins? That's standard procedure down here. I got hit by a burger at Cardiff when I was making my debut for Millwall. Half-eaten as well. They didn't even have the courtesy to make it a whole one!"
And finally, the story of the week involved Tranmere winger Chris Shuker, out for the rest of the season after breaking his arm.
Manager Ronnie Moore said: "I don't know how it happened. But from what I've been told, it was an accident at home and he was messing about with his girlfriend or something."
But even they are eclipsed by 70s Norway defender Svein Grondalen, who once pulled out of an international......after colliding with a moose while out jogging.