Review of the week
When Roy Keane did his disappearing act, his beard was heading for the door marked exit as well.
Much as I'd like to think he's a regular reader of these pages and took my 'sailor action man' concerns to heart, the real reason for the trim probably lay a little closer to home. Soon after his departure he was photographed in the car alongside Mrs Keane, whose facial expression screamed: 'Razor! Roy! Now!'
I know what you're thinking - he's droning on about that blinking beard again, it must have been a slow news week, Well yes, frankly, it has.
It reminds me of the good old days of the Sunday Sport when they'd splash the story 'World War II Bomber Found On Moon!' one week and the following Sunday remove the superimposed plane and reveal 'World War II Bomber Disappears!' Genius.
Still, as one door shuts, another opens and while Keane's dog was steeling itself for power walkies, Juande Ramos was unveiled as the new coach of Real Madrid.
The last we heard of the beleaguered ex-Spurs boss, the joke was he'd deliberately been caught speeding because he'd do anything for three points - he might as well leave the car running if Ramon Calderon's hire 'em/fire 'em record is anything to go by.
At least Real are several points off the pace in the title race - winning La Liga is a surefire way to get the boot from the Bernabeu.
Another manager feeling the heat was Chelsea's Luiz Felipe Scolari. Affable assistant Ray Wilkins stepped in to face the press after the Bolton game and admitted: "When you're speaking in a foreign language day after day it's not easy and he does get tired."
Wilkins added: "I don't think we're too concerned with too many records, we want to really get some silverware on the table, so as far as that's concerned, we're not too concerned about that, it's another three points as far as we're concerned." Sounds like Big Phil's not the only one in need of 40 winks.
In the Championship, Norwich won the 'Old Farm' derby (hats off to whoever thought up that phrase) while Steve Coppell used a strange description for Jimmy Kebe's sending off at Barnsley. "It was all a bit Frankie Howerd," he observed, before adding: "Ooh no, stop it, thrice nay, titter ye not".
There was also a startling 'revelation' from the News of the World about Reading's promotion rivals Birmingham - and in particular Alex McLeish's number two, Andy Watson. The paper gasped: "He may be a tough, no-nonsense, shaven-headed Scot but he stunned onlookers when he walked through the doors of a popular city centre bar wearing a suit jacket and...a leather skirt." What was he thinking of - never mix leather with herringbone.
Down in League Two, Darren Anderton signed off in style by thumping home the winner for Bournemouth in his last-ever game. His decision to call it a day was praised by environmentalists everywhere - just think of the rainforests that will be saved now all those sicknotes are no longer needed.
Anderton's old England team-mate David Beckham was quite literally splashed all over the popular press after taking a dunk in the sea courtesy of a 130ft bungee jump. The topless stunt was clearly designed to show Fabio Capello just how ripped and raring to go he really is -either that or it was a public audition for next year's I'm A Celebrity.
Ah yes, you didn't think I'd get through another blog without mentioning my girlfriend's favourite programme did you? Actually, confession time - she saw last week's musings and insisted I love it just as much as she does, even threatening to get a login address and reveal a few more home truths on the bottom of this blog. No-one wants that - do they?
Anyway, professional cockney Joe Swash took the spoils under the headline 'Joe King', which believe it or not was the name of my dear old uncle. He was a Brentford fan and had this habit of taking a step to the right every time he shouted "Go on you Bees!" At half-time my Auntie Joan would have to walk to the other end of the terraces to go and fetch him (told you it was a slow news week).
Back in the Premier League and The Sun claimed Steven Gerrard had kindly allowed developers in Dubai to name a new department block after him - and it had absolutely nothing to do with the £1m luxury flat he received in return.
Meanwhile, Manchester City striker Jo shattered the feel-good factor caused by team-mate Robinho and that trip on the bus. "It's because he hasn't learned how to drive on the left-hand side of the road yet," said the Brazilian.
At least Hull stalwart Ian Ashbee was keeping it real. The skipper was approached to write a book about playing for the Tigers in all four divisions but turned it down after admitting: "There are more interesting people in the world!" He's got a point.
And finally, the Christmas spirit is truly upon us if this alleged exchange during the Leicester-Southend game is anything to go by - Leicester fan: "It's pantomime season out there!", Leicester manager Nigel Pearson: "Oh no it isn't!"
Christopher Biggins, eat your heart out.