Black Eyed Peas - 'The Time (Dirty Bit)'
Hey remember the other day when I was saying how frustrating it is that the Will.I.Am / Nicki Minaj song is less than 100% amazing? We had some laughs, right? It was all in good fun. Nobody got hurt, there were no permanent injuries and we all went away assuming Will would soon bounce back, that he would save his best ideas for the next Black Eyed Peas opus.
I wish those innocent days were still with us. I wish I still believed such a turnaround were possible. I wish, in fact, that I had never ever heard this deeply terrible song, which is so very poor that it has come close to destroying a perfect relationship with the band's finest moment to date - the mighty 'Boom Boom Pow'.
I take no pleasure in saying it. I'm an optimist by nature and try to be fair, up to a point. I mean clearly some things are not going to be to my taste, and I'm fine with that. But it's hard to see whose taste this will appeal to. People who hate music? People who are a long way away? It's baffling.
(Here's the official audio. Don't listen to it. It hurts.)
I don't even mind the wholesale pinching of '(I've Had) The Time Of My Life' from Dirty Dancing. That's just a standard jump-off point for yer modern hip hop production. The real horror comes in when you have to make the lumpy transition from that wobbly rubbish portamento thing in the verses, to the rubbish shouted "I'M! HAVING! A GOOD! TIME! WITH YOU!" bit, and THEN the stuttery, edited vocals of the chorus, which are also rubbish.
It is so rubbish, in fact, it has left me wondering what I've done to hurt music's feelings this much. It's so bad it makes me want to go up to the art of popular song and hit its face off with a rubber mallet. It's so bad that it runs the risk of spoiling all other music forever.
It's a great big squirt of bleach in the delicious gumbo of pop. The fact that it arrives in a puff of self-regard and leaves without having the foggiest idea what disgusting stench follows in its wake makes everything somehow worse.
I'll leave the final word to Apl, a man who is already on thin ice after that rap in which he boasts about not "messing with the maggots" because he's in with "the baddest chicks in the club". It just makes me assume that he said a more offensive word originally, and a wise head in the BEP camp made him change it.
"Mirror mirror on the wall," he intones, "who's the baddest of them all?"
Well we all know the answer to that one, don't we? Shall we say it together? On the count of three...one, two...
Only VIP Media says: "It's a hot mess."
Pop From The Block says: "If this robotic nonsense wasn't the creation of the Black Eyed Peas, it would most probably be shunned by the media."
ADDENDUM: 'Like A G6' by the Far East Movement does everything the Black Eyed Peas should've with this song. And that is why it is rightly vaulting up the charts.