An Alternative Top 5
Next week, there's going to be a run of big singles hitting the CD racks, by some of the biggest names in popular song (and Same Difference); Britney, Takey, Madgey, Oasissy, McFlyey, Estelly, Pussycatty, TI ft Rihanny... All of which are damn near guaranteed to be enormous hit records.
This is clearly not news.
But what of the other songs, the ones which struggle to get attention because they are sung by people who, through no fault of their own, have yet to be hounded by gangs of paps or voted for by the public? Who is going to consider their feelings when their songs come out, only to be trampled in the dust by a herd of marauding pop stars (or to give them their Latin name, Mirrorkissus Wildebeatus)?
That's right. US!
I present to you an alternative to our current Top 5, based on niceness of song and nothing else.
Alternative Number 5: Alessi's Ark - 'The Horse'
This scratchy, ghosty, wafty little thing possibly won't trouble the chart compilers overmuch, but c'mon, it SHOULD. She's got a beautiful voice, it's a really sweet song, the video looks a little like those adverts with The Judderman in, and it's only 110 seconds long. That's a whole extra minute you can spend listening to something else when you've finished swooning at the sonic loveliness on offer.
Alternative Number 4: Emmy The Great - 'We Almost Had A Baby''
It may seem like a less dramatic slice of gender politics than Beyonce's - and set to a cheesy '50s ballad backing to boot - but it's not. The sweetness of Emmy's voice and the sourness of what she is actually singing just makes the whole thing much more queasily real. It is the essence of 'Foundations' by Kate Nash but without the one-liners and with a greater sense of terrible consequence. Hurrah!
Alternative Number 3: Frankmusik '3 Little Words'
That keyboard doesn't really work, you understand.
Anyway, this should be big. It has literally everything going for it, including The Happy, The Fun and The Not Rubbish.
Hell, if Alphabeat can do it, if Sam Sparro can do it, why can't Frank? EH? TELL ME!
Alternative Number 2: Santogold - 'Say Aha'
And before I can even wipe the rage-froth from my sneer, why isn't this a big hit on downloads already? It's as infuriatingly catchy as the Ting Tings, it's got a video which is deeply disturbing but does not show anything which would be out of place on CBBC, and it is brilliant. What more does anyone need?
Alternative Number 1: Solange - 'Sandcastle Disco'
If Big Sister Be can barge her way to the top with a silly song about boys being rubbish, and a video which starts like a parody of a Calvin Klein perfume ad, why can't Solange make headway with this? Are we THAT depressed by the onset of winter that we can't enjoy some unseasonably happy pop nonsense from time to time?
...what, ALL of you? Pah!