No, YOU Listen Up!
Hey, anyone remember that we were after questions for the Gossip? No? C'mon, surely you remember? We were going to interview Beth Ditto and didn't want to take a load of offensive man-journalist hooey-questions about her size and her sexual orientation when we could take some real questions from real fans...remember? OK, most of the questions you sent in were about her size after all (well done on leaving the sex thing alone), but still, it was gonna be brilliant, yeah?
No? Oh well anyway, that's what was going to happen. Want to find out what DID happen? Then read on...
The story goes like this. On May 15th, in the year of Our Lord 2007, we asked you for your questions to put to the Gossip for an interview which was due to take place two days later. You very kindly obliged with the collection of hardline feminist dogma and total nonsense which is sitting under this very article right now (ChartBlog readers are clearly VERY clever, and also VERY easily distracted!) Then, because the Gossip are what that man in Zoolander would call "so HOT right now", the interview was moved back a day. These things happen all the time, no big deal...
...Sadly, on the day in question, the interview didn't happen cos the time set aside for the band to talk to reporters was also the time when the band were travelling by train up to Manchester, and they had an appalling phone signal. Little did I know at this point how the telephone was to dominate my next few weeks. Still everyone concerned agreed that it was no big deal, and that the interview would be very easy to reschedule. "Hell", they said, "if push comes to shove, we'll give you Beth's mobile number and you can ring her when she gets back to New York after the weekend".
So that's what we arranged. I got the number, and the new time, and that was that. Come the hour, cometh the ChartBlog...little bit of finger-tango on the keypad, handset to ear, ring-ring-ring, a click, a slight pause...
Suddenly an INCREDIBLY LOUD and distorted snippet from the song 'Wild Women Do' by Natalie Cole skewers my skull to the wall. It takes a couple of seconds to realise that this is Beth's voicemail message, rather than leaving a nice friendly "I'm sorry I can't take your call right now..", she wishes everyone who rings her to experience the true agony of a ruptured eardrum.
Oh well, the pain soon passed. So, thinking she must've just been out of the room when the phone rang, I tried again, with the same mind-stabbing consequences. Then again, and again. Half-an-hour or so later, ear-battered and confused, I gave up.
Another date was organised, and another, and another. Each one proceeding in the exact same way. I'd be told to ring at a certain hour, I'd ring, become deafened, ring again, and eventually collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor.
I offered to send the questions over in email form, for Beth to answer at her leisure, but was told she definitely wanted to do the interview properly, and could I ring tomorrow at six? With the usual painful outcome.
So, being VERY BORED of this game. I'm giving up. Thank you to everyone who sent their questions in, but you are now witnessing a very mild-mannered equivalent of a diva strop. The coffee has been stirred the wrong way, the puppies are the wrong colour, the cotton isn't Egpytian...that's IT.
And in the manner of someone who's been dumped but is trying to gain a tiny smidge of dignity, I'm offically say that even if Beth Ditto WANTS to answer your questions. She can't. I won't let her. Sorry, love, but this boat has SAILED. No, don't beg, don't cry, you made your bed, now lie in it, OK??
And before finally putting the lid down on this little box of pain, allow me to share some important lessons that I have learned along the way....
IMPORTANT LESSON NUMBER 1: Since this interview was first arranged, the world has become a very different place. Rihanna has knocked McFly off the top spot, the 2012 London Olympics Logo has been press-released, and withdrawn, Sophie Ellis Bextor has released the best pop album of the year so far, the Eurovision Song Contest came and went, as did Scooch, and someone in the ChartBlog team had tonsillitus, then went on a full 10-day course of antibiotics, and is now back at work. This just goes to prove that REAL LIFE is way more important than the shimmering ghost-aura of 'celebrity'. Unless the 'celebrity' in question answers her phone, then it's the other way around, natch.
IMPORTANT LESSON NUMBER 2: I've got Beth Ditto's phone number! In certain indie circles, just having Beth Ditto's phone number bestows instant cool on anyone who has it. You could be Chico himself, but if you had Beth Ditto's phone number, you would have indie respect. Beth Ditto's phone number...that's like having a hotline to GOD HERSELF, right?
Well, sadly, it's cack-all use, cos she never answers the bloody thing. Now, if you aetheists wish to draw some snarky comparison between this situation and praying to a God who isn't there, and then going on to criticise organised religion in general, you be my guest. I'm saying nothing.
OMG! What if this whole thing has been a plot by Beth to expose organised religion as a total sham or something?
What if she has used the shallow and meaningless rigmarole of a ChartBlog interview (you've seen our other interviews, right?) as a way of getting a very clever message directly to YOU about how you should never put your faith in false gods, even when they're really good at singing.
I think we should all pause a minute here and think about the wisdom of this message...
...all done? Good.
IMPORTANT LESSON NUMBER 3: The Gossip have a new single out on June 11th called - OH IRONY OF IRONIES - 'Listen Up'.
Should you feel like boycotting watching this YouTube video in solidarity with my poor aching ears, that's entirely up to you. Personally I rather like it...