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Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal.
You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.
The patriarch of the Griffin family has no idea what the word "patriarch' means. While Peter likes an occasional adult beverage at the Drunken Clam, his real passions are harebrained schemes and public nudity.
Peter: Huh, you know something? I always thought that dogs laid eggs. So, yeah. I learned something today.
Lois: Peter, I'm off to my book club, don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting.
Peter: Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What are you high?
Lois: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funnybones. Now, I'm going to my book club and you are going to the meeting.
The high-pitched voice of reason in the Griffin house, Lois is the only woman capable of tolerating Peter.
Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.
Meg: Oh my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced. I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort.
The most disliked member of the Griffin family, mainly by her parents. Frequently found at home, not getting calls from boys.
Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh... excluding that first Ha.
This inventive, wisecracking tot is bent on world domination. And finding the perfect pair of snug jeans.
Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you might as well pack it in. Game over.
Chris: My name is Chris, I'm supposed to be on my best behaviour tonight and not mention poo.....
Oh God, what have I done?
Like a typical teen, Chris has a fondness for learning and self, um, discovery. Someday he hopes to be as dumb as his father.
Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don't worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month
Chris: We'll be his period.
Brian: Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
Peter's best friend and loyal companion. Brian, a die-hard liberal, lives with the Griffins and enjoys drinking Martinis, writing terrible fiction and burying things in the yard.
Brian: "I just spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a Hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead."
(Quagmire to a girl)
Quagmire: You must be a parking ticket, cuz you got fine written all over you.
A consummate ladies man, Quagmire is one of the only people to have an STD named after him. Giggety!
Quagmire: Soccer moms, all riiiiight! GIGGITY, GIGGITY,GIGGITY!
Dana Stevens is online content producer for BBC Three online.